Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Secrets of IT Revealed: How to handle clients?

After my post on Survival in IT - Hidden Secrets Revelealed, few months back, I thought of writing a post on how to deal with clients, if you are working in this Industry. After gaining enough experience, I dont fear penning down my 9 commandments which I religiosuly follow everyday I enter my office.

Clients are like GOD in our sweet industry. No wonder, people have gone to the extreme of keeping clients photograph on there desktop, worshipping them before starting day’s activity and things like that. They play a very important role and your future (& your appraisal, salary, perks, etc.) depends on how much business they give it to you.

Then how to deal with them Z000n, I hear you ask.

Just follow 9 simple commandments given below, you will be running up the ladders (Might even land into your clients office if you’re fast climber)
  1. Thou shall always respect your client and treat him as GOD. International clients are never visible when you deal with them. You only hear there voice (and shouts) on your cell phone. GOD is also not visible, but you know HE is somewhere around.
  2. Thou shall never get “emotionally” attached to your client while working for him. Especially during audit when you are sent to find flaws in their processes. I remember while dealing with an Umm-ricccan client, he introduced me to his family. Then he used to drop me at my hotel after office too. Oh boy, it made me a bit difficult to highlight flaws in his business processes
  3. Thou shall never audit your clients laptop. Everyone likes to watch p0rn. Do I need to say anything more?
  4. Thou shall use your clients snap as wallpaper. This will act as a booster to work hard or get screwed from “human species” seen on that wallpaper
  5. Thou shall accept whatever your client says about yourself.You are dumb, if this is what your client says, accept it. Client knows better that what you really think of yourself
  6. Thou shall never sleep with anyone from the client’s side. Never do this. You’ll get screwed up from four sides at a time – office, client, home, girl friend.
  7. Thou shall treat your client with equal respect even when not involved in face-to-face communication. When we used to have telephonic conference call with our Japanese client, we used to BOW (Japanese ishtyle) in front of the telephone as soon as we hear the voice from other side. This is called giving “equal respect”. Hindi-Japani bhai-bhai!!
  8. Thou shall always accompany your clients for dinner, if they visit you. Never miss this golden chance. While having meals, keep on bouncing Q’s related to project at hand, to make them believe that for 24hrs only WORK is on your mind. It doesn’t matter if you play HALO-combat game when you’re actually suppose to work.
  9. Thou shall never cry in front of client for salary raise. Stop acting like a cheapo at least in front of your client. I’ve seen people actually doing this.

39 Comments:

Blogger ~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

1stttttttttttttttttttttt

now, lemme read :)

11/16/2005 03:47:00 PM  
Blogger ~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

now to comment :

Clients are like GOD in our sweet industry : NO WAY !!!!!

the extreme of keeping clients photograph on there desktop, : I HAVE A TWEETY SNAP ON MY DESKTOP .... heh heh heh :))

When we used to have telephonic conference call with our Japanese client, we’ll used to BOW (Japanese ishtyle)in front of the telephone as soon as we hear the voice from other side. : REALLY FUNNY !!!

Once , when we had a client visit , i had forgotten to remove my comic strips ... Hum Tum everything was still on the wall.
Our client was HELLA. And in one of my cartoon strips, there was a HELL printed in bold letters. My cabin mate had made it HELL(A) ... and it was damn embarrasing esp as the guy read the strip and then noticed the change.

11/16/2005 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger luke said...

well ...im not in ***...and i dunno ow does it loop back ...still studying ...as for the post ....still have to experience all this ..placed in hcl ...my frnds placed at ***

11/16/2005 04:01:00 PM  
Blogger My Ramblings... said...

'... we used to BOW (Japanese ishtyle) in front of the telephone as soon as we hear the voice from other side. This is called giving “equal respect”. Hindi-Japani bhai-bhai!!'
Too funny.LOL!
9th one... ouch! really? Thats sad.
Will pass on ur gyan to my friends in the IT industry. I am sure they will appreciate it.:)

11/16/2005 04:49:00 PM  
Blogger Łóòň Ġãĺ said...

woo in first five? am i ?? or u havent allowed some ppl yet??

11/16/2005 04:57:00 PM  
Blogger Rita said...

WOW! *eyes rolling in admiration*. Superb post, I say!! :D
BTW, ask me what telecons are like. I have stories to tell that will give you goose bumps. Boo hoo

11/16/2005 05:12:00 PM  
Blogger icyblue said...

Ah..clients.... "Gods" (God was easier to handle... there are so many of them) indeed...!! Been in this so-called industry for more than 18 months... I know all abt it...

From experience...

(10) Thou should never give ur mobile number to your client.
They literally expect u to answer their call even if u are .............. (left to ur imagination

11/16/2005 05:17:00 PM  
Blogger Invincible said...

wow !! quite interesting.
Never sleep with ur clients :)
Never miss opportunity to go for dinner with them to show off ur interest in work :)
Equal Respect :) :)

11/16/2005 05:57:00 PM  
Blogger PuNeEt said...

hey Rocking post...
woohoooo

@treat him as God...
Ye I remember my first boss saying this to the entire team...
He is god... no doubt ;-)

shall never get “emotionally” attached to your client while working for him
so far never worked with a hot chick as client ;-)

You’ll get screwed up from four sides at a time – office, client, home, girl friend
Lolzzzz this was the best...
4 sides... ROFL

good one dude...

keep rocking
Cheers

11/16/2005 06:32:00 PM  
Blogger ayvid said...

9 commandments.wat happened to the tenth one?!
ok lemme note this down......will need it wen i finally join the industry!!:-s
n lemme go check out the other one....
chal bye for now...
TC,
Divs

11/16/2005 07:51:00 PM  
Blogger niki yokota said...

hahaha~(^o^);; screwed up from four sides at a time??
wat a nightmare!!!!!
japanese clients?? oh wat a shame!!!! (we juz cant stop bowing. plz think that they are woodpecker and u dont have to peck so many times.)
sooo sweet of bhai. thank uuuuu/

11/16/2005 08:49:00 PM  
Blogger Smyta said...

And the tenth commandment is-

"Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's."

Dont let your client become a neighbour. So hurry, if the client is a woman then marry her now and if it is a man make sure he believes you were reincarnated because you were brothers in the last birth! Either ways do not let yourself covet from neighbours. :-)

Smiles etc.,

Smyta

11/16/2005 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger San said...

lol

you have far too much time on ur hands mister

11/17/2005 02:51:00 AM  
Blogger musings (m000nie) said...

lol z00n so funny... specially the equal respect n God thing.. mannn u really got some weird ideas...

hehe

11/17/2005 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger uttara said...

hey hi .. just dropped in to say ma alive .lol

i will be bk on the comment soon
have a gr8 day.......
uttara

11/17/2005 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Nothings aplenty said...

"Thou shall never sleep with anyone from the client’s side. Never do this. You’ll get screwed up from four sides at a time – office, client, home, girl friend. "

LOL!!
Good post:)

11/17/2005 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger virdi said...

//Thou shall use your clients snap as wallpaper//

also put the photos of the client as your screen saver?? hehehehe...

11/17/2005 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Sushmit said...

Sorry - nothing to do with the post. but a very pretty Jolie picture you have there!

(yeah...the testosterone does speak at times!)

11/17/2005 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger Pallavi said...

LOL LOL .....

11/17/2005 01:39:00 PM  
Blogger Shikha said...

Noone forgets the 'client is god' speech..its like a revelation!

11/17/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger burf said...

audit the lapotop :D 4 sides :D

hmmm

11/17/2005 02:33:00 PM  
Blogger ~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

L000nie Z000nie ....

trrrrrrrrrrrrrrring !!!

Running away , is it ???
Been patient since morning

11/17/2005 03:40:00 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@Deepa
Yup...yup..
You first!!

I HAVE A TWEETY SNAP ON MY DESKTOP
:)

and it was damn embarrasing esp as the guy read the strip and then noticed the change.
Hehehe...
One of ma colleague from previous company, Hagrid, used to post Dilbert toons on his cubicle walls ;)


@Luke
placed in hcl ...my frnds placed at ***
Kewl!!
Now I expect, that you dont track me down in real life...hehehe ;)

@Ramblings
Will pass on ur gyan to my friends in the IT industry.
Yup...
Please do that...I want every guy working in IT to be successful in handling the clients afta following 9 commandments ;)

@Cheesy
Yup...you 4th!!
Wooo..Hooo!!

11/17/2005 05:58:00 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@Rita
Superb post, I say!!
Thanks....that was nice to hear ;)

I have stories to tell that will give you goose bumps
Hehehe...
Few of ma friends work in that field too...gotta catch them if I eva need goose bumps

@IcyBlue
They literally expect u to answer their call even if u are
Oh yeah...
Have seen that...though I neva was on call directly by the clients...but yes, few of ma colleagues from previous company were and boy-oh-boy...what life it was for them

@Puneet
Ye I remember my first boss saying this to the entire team...
Jeeeezz....really??

never worked with a hot chick as client
I did worked with 2 ummm-ricaan cutie's last year and the only thing I did was to stare in those deep blue eyes. Used to hate when one of them used to go out for smoke....Grrrrr...

Greetz to you too!!

@Ayvid
wat happened to the tenth one?!
I follow bata principle...everything has to be in digit 9
9 commandments
99 facts ;)
etc

will need it wen i finally join the industry!
Yup....
dont forget to read "hidden secrets of IT" too...that will be more helpful for you.

11/17/2005 06:03:00 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@Niki-chan
sooo sweet of bhai.
Hehehe :)

Yes...thats y I was asked to learn Japanese 2 yrs back. It was indeed a beautiful language...but my tongue used to twist a lot...coz of which I forgot how to pronounce few english words too ;)

Always welcome Niki-chan!!

@Smyta
"Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's."
Amen!!

Either ways do not let yourself covet from neighbours.
Hehehe...
Good one there Smyta.
Greetz to you too!!

@Sangeeta
you have far too much time on ur hands mister
I dont know...
I was working whole of last night..went back home at like 530 in the morning..and just now coming in to check ma mails ;)
I love IT and then no wonder I come out with posts like these..

@Ut000nie
Yes...good that you dropped in here to inform me that...coz I was planning to play a real life prank on Puneets website on ya. So BEWAAAREEEEEE!!

Hehehe...
Good luck to you for your exams and take care!!

@Nothings a plenty
Thanks for appreciating the post.
Welcome to Z000nie Bizarreness!!

@Virdi
he photos of the client as your screen saver??
Not a bad idea..
I need to start making a screen scaver right now
How about replacing all Yahoo and MSN Emoticon with ur actual client reactions?
That will fun na :)

@Sushmit
Yes...I like making new blog header pics

@Pallavi
Hehehe :)

@Shikha
Noone forgets the 'client is god' speech.
Oh yeah!!
Every where you get to hear this....by ever where I mean in each and every company you get into

@Burf
Yess....never touch clients lappy without his or her permission...
After all they are also human beings..right?

@Deepa
Been patient since morning
I went to sleep at 6am in the morning..was in office na till 530 :(
So just now came in to check ma mails..will be leaving early has hafta prepare for ma exams on coming sat.
Wish me luck!!

11/17/2005 06:11:00 PM  
Blogger Dreamgirl said...

HI,
First time to ur blog.
Sorry no comments abt this post..
& I donno which exams u have...Just thought of giving u a looooot of best wishes 4 it.... :-)
Tk care

11/17/2005 06:46:00 PM  
Blogger Rohit Talwar said...

"Thou shall always accompany your clients for dinner, if they visit you"

"When we used to have telephonic conference call with our Japanese client, we’ll used to BOW (Japanese ishtyle)in front of the telephone as soon as we hear the voice from other side."

love it!!

dude how many pics you have for your blog?!

11/17/2005 09:25:00 PM  
Blogger Akruti said...

Hey,my brother is also a techi,so i was reading out your post and was listening to me very carefully and he says he will take a print and put up on his desk,hahaha.
Where do you get all these dieas from?

11/17/2005 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger manjari said...

lol...this is wat i do everytime i read ur posts...only u can do justice to humour arzoon

keep smiling always

11/18/2005 12:33:00 AM  
Blogger shobhna said...

read this long time back but some how did not get around to posting a comment :)

you have kept the 10th one secret!!!

11/18/2005 07:43:00 AM  
Blogger ~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

yes dear .... " Good luck " ... hope to talk to u on Sat after ur exams ...

i am disappearing on sunday :)

11/18/2005 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@DreamGirl
Welcome to ma blog!!
That was really nice of you to wish me for ma exams. Thank you cho much :)

@Rohit
dude how many pics you have for your blog?!
Quite a few...

@Akruti
he will take a print and put up on his desk
Hehehe...
Make sure to that he shows it to his client during their visit. He might get good appraisal.
(Try it on your own risk tip!!)

Where do you get all these dieas from?
I really dont know...maybe coz of IT fever ;)

@Manjari
only u can do justice to humour arzoon
That was a nice comment Manjari.
Thanks and hope to have clean humor all the time on ma blog. Have a nice weekend ahead!!

@Shobhna
you have kept the 10th one secret!!!
If I publish 10th Commandment, people will be more successful than me. So hafta keep it secret ;)

11/18/2005 10:47:00 AM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@Deepa
Oh..sure.
No probs :)
Disappear?? Where??

11/18/2005 10:49:00 AM  
Blogger ~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

;) ...

i told u the last time we talked ..... :))

11/18/2005 10:52:00 AM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

Oh yeah..

I rememebr now...and yes...your new post helped me too ;)

Enjoy life!!

11/18/2005 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger :: The Protector :: said...

lol...very funny

:)

11/18/2005 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger indiacorporatewatch said...

My friend recently joined accenture
and one of his clients was supposed to come from Japan

I will tell him to read this

11/18/2005 01:23:00 PM  
Blogger Nikita said...

You are the Bizzzaaarddd Of OZ.

Amazing Post! He!He!

11/18/2005 02:33:00 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

@Vishnu
Thanks :)

@Indiacorporate
Sure...this will help in loads ;)

@Niks
Hehehe..
Thanks...that was really cute
:)

11/22/2005 06:30:00 PM  

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