Bizarre state...by default.

Bye Bye Blogspot!!!

2005-12-22T18:56:00.001+05:30

Yup, that's right. Z000nie has left Blogspot and moved to WordPress. It was a nice experience here on Blogspot, but then...

Anyway, kindly note my new URL, though its not a big change from my previous one (just remove the blogspot part from the previous link).

www.arz000n.com
([w][w][w][.][a][r][z][zero][zero][zero][n][.][c][o][m])

Please note on my new blog space:

No registration with WORDPRESS is required to make comments. Just punch your thoughts and blog URL while making a new comment.
All comments will still be moderated, as was happening with this blog
SpamKarma plugin will allow me to block specific IP address from making comments.
BlogRoll will be used to make BLOG FRIENDS list.

I hope to see all you guys in my new blog space soon.

Merry X-Mas People!!!

Countdown begins....

2005-12-17T12:48:00.000+05:30

Its been over a week now, I kept myself away from Blogspot (& of course blog hopping), the same place from where I started blogging exactly an year ago. After meeting so many good people, I'm finding it very difficult to stay away from blog world.

I can't give up writing posts, coz its always a good feeling to see people visit ma blog and have a good laugh coz of the bizarre thinking of Z000nie.

That's why I decided to start my blog at some other space, on my own domain name now. Yesss...I'm coming out with my own blog real soon, its just a matter of few days. Infact early morning yesterday, I was able to successfully port all my posts from this blog. Woooo..Hoooo!!!!

These days, apart from ma work, Im spending some time in learning CSS and PHP (yaaawwwnnn!!) in order to tweak my new baby, so give me a week's time and I think I'll be up and running....

Guys, dont forget to check out this space on 25th for my new blog URL. Hope to see you'll there soon.

Alwite, now its time for me to head for ma shower. What da...half of the day's already gone. Damn!!!!

Bizarre state... is PHROZEN in time!!

2005-12-12T19:02:00.000+05:30

This was planned couple of weeks back, but then I was finding it very difficult to keep myself away from blogging...away from all you beautiful people I came across.

However, looking at the goals and responsibilities set for me by the management, I may not be able to spend much time on blogs. Also, I need to catch up with lot of technologies coming out in the market, appear for a couple of certifications, blah, blah, blah…which I was not able to, thanks to blog-addiction.

Bizarre state... will remain phrozen for some time (not sure for how long ???).

Till then, I'll miss all you guys. I had amazing time of ma life and blogging was the only medium I used to cheer myself up.

Greetings for X-Mas & New Year to all ma blog-visitors.
Have fun and enjoy life.
Greetz!!

After outsourcing…its OUTSEXING!!!

2005-12-08T16:42:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Explicit material. Reader discretion advised.)

Outsourcing to India is the latest trend in IT industry, these days. You name it and “developed” countries are eager to outsource anything to “developing” countries under the name of cheap labor.

Take for example, few days back I read an article about one such outsourcing where final year exam papers were being scanned so that they could send it across to India, while the teachers enjoy the vacation. Now that is something which amused me a lot.

We were ruled by Britishers few years back, thanks to the effort of few great people; very soon we got our Independence. But what are we doing now? Paid slavery? I’m an IT slave and serving few clients myself. I know, what matters by the end of the day is the quality that you deliver and they don’t care about how many and what kinda people worked on it. You meet the deadline on time and the client’s happy.

So I believe the time is near, when anything and everything will come to us and we’ll happily perform the duty. The day is not far, my friends, when the following conversation will take place in almost every “sweet-and-happy” home somewhere out there on this planet.

HE: Honey, its Friday night. Time for “fun”!!
SHE: (I’m done with headaches, back aches, this ache and that ache…need to find out a work around soon): Yes!! You know our neighbors have come across this concept of outsourcing “fun” to India...and they call it as outsexing. We just have to DIAL 1-800-Out-Sexing for India and ask operator to connect to any couple of our choice. That’s it.
HE: Is it that simple? Wow!! I think we should give it a try. What say hun?
SHE: Go ahead!!

HE: Hello…operator…can you connect me to someone who can help us in having “fun”
Operator (someone from deep South): Vannakamm SARRR!! You have reached “fun” line of Out-Sexing. Please dial serro for “fun” on the phone
Please dial serro serro for “fun” on internet
Please dial serro serro serro for “fun” on web cam
Please dial serro serrro serrro serrro for...

HE: Errrr…hold on a sec dude... Why you have only serros…in your menu list?
Operator: SAAAR, the other keys are outsourced for some other purposes you see. Kaasst cutting is going on.

HE: Alright…alright…just make it quick..

HE: Hello…Is this the contact number where we can outsource our “friday night fun”
Voice from the other end: FUN?? Do you mean…
HE: Yes…yes. Exactly!!
Voice: What the F#$#? Where the hell is Babloo? I think he has registered our Phone number on some illegal sites…
HE: Errr…what?
Voice: Nothing. That was for my idiot son…And you….you…firangi…don’t you even dare to call here again!! We don’t provide any kind of entertainments like this.

*thud*

HE: Is that what you meant by “fun”
SHE: No…no… I think we got the wrong line. Can you please ask the operator to connect again?
HE: Betta this be the right one now.

This time I’m sure he gets lucky enough to get through the right “outsexed” couple. They both enjoy watching the outsourced “fun” and then…when the fun time is over…

HE: Boy that was awesome…What dya say?
SHE: It sure was…now I’m tired. Gotta get up early tomorrow.
HE: Gnite hun!!
SHE: Nite…Nite!!

However, don't be surprised if the actual thoughts go something like this:

HE: Damn…that chick in outsexing was HOT. I seriously need to consider this option of outsexing seriously.
SHE: Thanks to outsexing. I was running outta excuses anyway.
Outsexed guy: They never realized that I was doing “it” with a plastic doll…and I charged them for 2 people. Hehehe….sucka!!

Void in me...

2005-12-06T09:25:00.000+05:30

Two things which I’m always gonna regret till the time I exist on this planet are:

Not having pet like a giant Dinosaur &
Dreaming about having a GF from MARS.

My first obsession started when my mom took me and bro to watch Jurassic Park, which also happens to be my first movie in theater. Being a young kid of like 16yrs of age, I was very innocent and carried a beautiful thinking (I really mean it. Even though those huge creatures were roaming around naked, my eyes never ran on their private parts…I was that innocent kid).

While the movie was going on, I couldn’t resist the thought of having a pet like something as huge as a Tyrannosaur, which Mr. Spielberg had handsomely portrayed on the wide screen. Was he really of that big size in real life, or the theater screen made it look huge, I just wonder at times. Coz I remember watching GODZILLA on my 21 inch TV at home…GZILLA felt like a lost and panicked FROG from some rain forest. I was trying to get scared till the end, but I never was. Maybe the other reason was coz that chick (Audrey Timmonds) in that movie was too cute.

I like pets and have quite a few of them at my home. Addition of one small dinosaur would have completed my family picture. I would have kept Dino (I even thought of a name for him, back then) in my study room; feed him Indian Rice, curry and chapattis daily and weekends would have turned into bathing day for my new pet. I even thought of taking him to my school along with me, and dare if any teacher scolded me, I would have just said, “DINO CHOOO!!” and there you go…Steven Spielberg’s sequel of Jurassic park right in front of my eyes in my own school park!!

Boy...don’t you think that sounds more KEWL than owning an XBOX 360 and playing 3D shooting game on it??

(Alright that was kinda evil...I apologise)

Obsession for having a GF from MARS started immediately after I saw SPECIES. Thanks to cute Natasha Henstridge in that movie. I dreamed about calling my alien GF as Natasha itself coz I believe that’s one cute name in itself.

Introducing to my friends would be a lot exciting then. Dare anyone (I think all my retard, single and horny buddies would try) give a bad and lusty look to her; she would have easily taken care of everything, with her mysteriously long alien arms. What are they called as anyway...tentacles??

Whatever it is, as long as I breathe here, there will always be that small vacuum inside me, which I know can never be fulfilled by owning a GREAT DANE as my pet or even a hot RUSSIAN CHICK as my GF.

*sob*

*sob*

More Q's about Z000nie...

2005-12-04T22:48:00.000+05:30

I don’t remember from whom the following Q’s were stolen, but this post was lying in one of my documents for like ages.

UNIQUE

1. Nervous Habits - Fake gulp with tired look on face, sweat on forehead
2. Are you double jointed - Nope
3. Can you roll your tongue – Very much and it can even touch tip of my nose. (weird haan!!)
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time - Yes, I used to enjoy kinda mimicking THE ROCK and freak out mom, who thought I’m growing up into a retard.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles - No...I tried this while in college, but ended up spitting on the guy next to me.
6. Can you cross your eyes - Yes...afta this stunt I get kinda headache.
7. Tattoos - None (would go for one pretty soon)
8. Piercing - None (I’m really boring guy!!)
9. Do you make your bed daily – No...I hate this. My day starts with laziness.

CLOTHES

10. Which shoe goes on first - Right shoe first (I've actually started wearing socks inside the shoes now...and Im enjoying it)
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? - Nope
12. On the average, how much money do you carry – 600 bucks max (but I carry 2 CC’s and 3 Debit cards...they always come handy)
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7 – Gold chain and Gold ring
14. Favorite piece of clothing – Black T-shirt (usually of some rock band - Mettalica and Iron Maiden are common)

FOOD

15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it – Twirl it. I like it that way.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam - No
17. Do You Use Extra Salt On Your food – A lot (I cant eat food without extra pinch of salt)
18. How many cereals in your cabinet – I really don’t have any clue.
19. What's your favorite beverage - Diet Coke / Sprite / Mountain Dew
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant – Smoking Joe’s (At times Subway too)
21. Do you cook – I tried this stunt once. Was not able to make out whether it was rice or white daal.

MANNERS

22. Do you swear – Nope (Its sign of weakness for me)
23. Do you ever spit – At times yes (People usually get annoyed)

FAVOURITE

24. Animal – Cats (I think they are cutest creatures on this planet...PEACE OUT guys!!)
25. Food - Italian (Any Italian blogger who is single...please contact me offline)
26. Month - August (Lot of birthdays in this month...from ma family and friends)
27. Day – Friday’s (Casual day,"bird" watching day, travelling back to Mumbai day...do you need more reasons now??)
28. Cartoon – THE SIMPSONS (My life blood...I watch repeat show at 1am on STAR WORLD)
29. Shoe Brand – Woodland / Lee Coopers (More on Woody's...they are much more comforatble than LEE)
30. Subject in school – Chemistry (Used to love remembering salt names and working out on different reactions. Wanted to specialize as Chemical Enggr...wonder what my blog name would have been then...)
31. Color - Black
32. Sport - Wrestling (How I luvvvv to see those punches all the time)
33. TV show – Seinfeld, Everybody loves Raymond, Friends
34. Thing to do in the spring – Never did anything special.
35. Thing to do in the summer – Go on short vacation (If there were any beaches around, would have gone for sun bathing and catch glimpse of few cuties)
36. Thing to do in the autumn – Watch leaves fall down...dont know what else to do and then write down here about it.
37. Thing to do in the winter – Snuggle up in ma sheets and goto sleep early...wake up late too.

IN AND AROUND

38. In the CD player – DJ Mylo, Black Eyed Peas, Sean Paul, Eminem
39. Person you talk most on the phone with – Mom (No one calls me during weekdays; Weekends I don’t attend any calls)
40. Reading – RD’s, PC Quest, Linda Goodman (Sun Sign)
41. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors – Nope. Don’t enjoy it much
42. What color is your bedroom – Light brown
43. Do you use an alarm clock – Only if I’ve early morning meetings or odd working hours.
44. Window seat or aisle – Window (If I don’t get it, I curse the person sitting near window)

DUMB

45. What's your sleeping position – Most of the time on my chest. (Never sleep on my back, coz I start thinking about my daily activities, and that screws up ma brain).
46. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket - Yes, I can’t sleep without a blanket.
47. Do you snore – I don’t think so.
48. Do you sleepwalk – Never...but I'd love too, and freak out people.
49. Do you talk in your sleep – Nope.
50. Do you sleep with stuffed animals – Nope. Thought of when I’d pet dog, but mom never allowed. My kitten do jump in occassionally to surprise me, when I'm at home.
51. How about with the light on – Only when I’m staying in hotels on business trips...never on ma own expense
52. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on – Not at home, my parents will kill me (Done almost every day for 4 months when I was in Delhi staying in hotel. Used to switch it off early morning)
53. Last interesting person you met – Can’t remember (I usually end up meeting retard people like me, nothing interesting in them to remember)

If anyone is intersted in taking this tag, please go ahead.

Interview with Fekta Kapoor

2005-12-02T13:57:00.000+05:30

(I like Ekta Kapoor and I love her determination, passion and dedication towards her work. I just love it. Infact I wrote one post about her like 267 days back, titled eKta eKta. Only thing I dont like are her crying soaps, which I was forced to watch till 2 years back, while I was staying with my family in Mumbai. Thank god, weekends are spared...now I enjoy going back home. Following is a short interview of FEKTA KAPOOR, which is totally a bizarre imagination of mine. Hope you'll enjoy it. Greetz!!)

The very first question which everyone is curious to know about is, how long is this 'K' factor gonna continue?
“K” is bringing me more success. Also HINDI OXFORD dictionary has around 6597 words starting from K. I don’t think they are gonna end anytime soon. As long as FEKTA is alive, “K” factor is going to be with her.

That’s nice. So how is your new soap, Kitni Mast Hai Zindagi different from the other family serials?
With this serial I’m planning to focus on youngsters as I know they are part of the family too…no matter how much they spend there time out smoking grass or screwing chicks in college. My next targets are kids, where I’m planning to come out with new serials like

Gramma’s day out
Kyonki saans bhi kabhi bachchi thi
Kwaa…Kwaa…my baby cries.
Who let the kids out?

Why did you choose MTV to launch this serial?
I approached many channels but then audience damaged all of them after my show was aired…I was bit paranoid to approach STAR. But, I don’t understand, why can’t people sit and tolerate my soaps any more. After STAR said no, MTV was the only option left, so I thought, this time I’ll launch it from here. My next launch will be from my own Channel TEAR PLUS, which I’m launching in 2006.

Why the hunt for actors? Is there a scarcity in Mumbai?
I always cast fresh people. After success of my long running soaps like Kyonki Saans… and Kahani Ghar…, I realized after 300 episodes, actors lose the touch of natural crying. I don’t want to spend unnecessarily on glycerin on each of my episodes. So right now I’m searching for natural born actors who can cry when I say CRY.

What's the reason behind the strange spellings of your serials?
Strange? They are not strange….they bring me luck, fame success, money and…more money. Infact I was planning to change my name to KEKTA KAKOOR, but then lots of K’s make you go K…K…K… and it doesn’t sound good too…so I continued with FEKTA.

After the success of “Kya kool hai hum” are you planning to come out in future?
Right now, nothing is planned as such, but I’m thinking of few titles for which I need to start writing scripts on…

Khatron ke Khiladiyon ki Kahani – all K’s in here (*grins*) This I’m sure is gonna reach OSCAR!!
Kutto ki zubaani, Ghar Ghar ki Kahani – this movie is dedicated to my pet dog who died last year while watching last episode of HUM PAANCH, my first soap ever. Right now only this two…I need to hunt cast for this too now.

Tell our audience something about your personal life. Now that you’ve turned 30, what is your immediate plan?
Turning 30 brings a lot of happiness from inside. Immediate plans are to quickly finish the scripts for the above 2 mentioned movies and launch my own channel pretty soon.

No, I mean, plans for your personal life. When are you planning to marry and get settled?
I’m not able to find a guy who could keep me happy after I come back home. You know what I mean…

Oh yeah, you mean *AHEM* *AHEM*
Jeeezz….no!! I need someone who could be like a house husband and take care of the family while I’m out directing new soaps and doing cast hunting. Who could finish my pending scripts for upcoming episodes on time. You know…

I wish you good luck FEKTA. Before we wind up, what message you’d like to give our youngsters who are reading this interview put up on some blog?
Three things will get you fame and money…and more money. Crying, Crying and loads of natural crying. If you think you can deliver this for 18hrs in a day, 365 days in a year and you look good after loads of makeup and new clothes on you, then I think you are part of my new soap. Contact me…hehehe.

Bizarre Interpretation!!

2005-11-30T13:42:00.000+05:30

Go Slow. School Ahead.
School teachers are pretty; don’t forget to catch a glimpse.

No Parking.
If violated, car will be scratched

No Smoking.
If violated, face will be scratched

Go slow. Men at work.
Read: GO. Slow Men at work.
Else Read: Men work fast at night, now they are working slowly.

Observe Silence in the library.
We want to hear who is screwing behind that last book shelf

Sealed for quality.
Beauty and quality lies in the eyes of the beholder. If you dare open the seal and don’t find quality, get your eyes checked before suing us.

Sprite can: Get 20% extra…FREE!!
Diameter of can already reduced by 25%, you dumb ass.

Pune Express Highway: Tunnel Ahead. Don’t stop inside the tunnel.
Dare you even thinking of having sex while in inside the tunnel, with no lights around.

Lost & Found
You lost it. I found it, so I’m keeping it. Get lost sucka!!

On Eatables: Best before xx-2005
It’s already expired. If you delay it further, you will be expired.

(I’m busy in meeting my project delivery dates and also taking technical round of interviews for new candidates these days. Hopefully, next post will be on “FEKTA KAPOOR” and her upcoming soaps sometime soon, till then GO BIZARRE guys!!)

A-to-Z about Z000nie

2005-11-28T12:25:00.000+05:30

A - Age you got your first kiss: Yet to be kissed. (Came close last year, but didn’t take the initiative. Damn, I'm so dumb.)
B - Band listening to right now: DJ Mylo.
C - Crush: I do have a crush…a huge one infact.
D- Drink of Choice: Lemon Ice tea (Lately I’m in love with Mango/Orange Slush too)
E - Easiest person [people]: My mom.
F - Favorite band at the moment: Black Eyed Peas.
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears? Gummy Bears.
H – Holiday: Hmmm…Need to go for a short vacation soon
I - Instruments: None. I was never interested in playing any instrument, though I enjoyed watching others play it.
J - Juice: Mango (At times I prefer Grapes/Watermelon too )
K - Kids: I just adore them. Might adopt one in future.
L - Longest car ride ever: I had to visit my clients place in Al-Ain which is around 3-4hrs from Dubai. We planned to start early, but meetings at the last moment took time, and finally the journey started at 11am. Traveling in that desert heat at the speed of more than 130KM/hr was one awesome experience.
M - Major: Computers (Kam-puter in simple terms))
N - Nicknames: Z000n, Z000n bug, Z000nie.
O - One wish: I wanna goto US :(
P - Phobia[s]: Of getting hit by a vehicle while on street.
Q - Quote:

Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.
~ Lao Tzu

R - Reason to smile: My parents, friends & people who know me online.
S - Song you sang last: Sun jara…soniye soon jara – From Lucky (Few weeks back, used to hummm this almost everyday)
T - Time you woke up [today]: 0530hrs
U - Unknown fact about me: I was so selfish in love that when I sensed things were not looking good between us, I told her that I was ready to leave everyone including my family if she asks for. Now I regret for looking down ma family for someone I hardly knew much about.
V - Vegetable you hate: Eggplant /Aubergine / Brinjal. I don’t see anyone cooking nice edible dish using Brinjal (Sorry guys)
W - Worst habit(s): Speaking out everything inside. I can’t keep secrets…I tried hard but I carry a false sense of security about people around me. They are waiting to stab me anyway.
X - X-rays you've had: Chest Routine Medical Checkup
Y - Yummy food: Pasta, Spaghetti and Pizza anytime of the day.
Z - Zodiac sign: LEO (When I say this, it makes me feel like a LION. I know Im not anyway..hehehe)

If anyone wants to get tagged, please go ahead.

Blog-o-scope by Sojan Bloggerwalla

2005-11-25T09:39:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Please note this is yet another Bizarre post from Z000nie. Believing on the predictions totally depends on you. I'm a LEOn, right now I'm myself confused whether to Meeaooww or Grroowwl!!)

Aries (March 21 – April 18)

New posts, Blog hopping, commenting – all three keep you more than busy in second half of the year. You'll try to improve your personal relationships by trying to make maximum comments on your fellow blogger friends. However, it is in the sphere of your blog template that you have the most visible activity. Blog Add-on's like chat-box, multimedia, funky graphics in side panel, etc. will have to be handled carefully for maximum visitor hits.

Taurus (April 19 – May 19)

Inspiration in blog-o-sphere becomes your main focus, rather than religion or spiritual pursuits. A good development for you is your sharp thinking enabling you to comment FIRST in every new post of your blog mate. At the same time, your determination and decision making traits to face unusual and filthy comments from Anonym-asses with ease on your blog, will come handy. On the personal front, there is greater family bonding and warmth, especially with older relatives, parentsafter your dedication towards blogging is revealed.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

You now blog at work to please yourself in terms of doing something worthwhile. While you excel obviously in blogging, you may have a little misfortune in terms of loss in business or even in your next appraisal. You need to tread with care where your blog mates are concerned. It is good time for taking up free-lance template design work or even some work from home (viz. updating your wife's or kid's blog).

Cancer (June 21 – July 23)

You may be enthusiastic about certain developments on your blog in terms of new Add-ons. Your efforts and hard work will be appreciated by regular blog-visitors. Blog-hopping is the interface that holds you together; it is where the fun part of this day happens. You could find giving advice to someone new to blog-o-sphere. This is good time to sign-up with Technorati to make new contacts. Make new blog templates at your place tonight after office to increase visitor count.

Leo (July 24 - August 23)

You'll be more focused in coming out with innovative ideas for your new posts. Your determination towards making new posts every day will become more organized. Those in IT industry will benefit coz of lot of idle time (read no project at hand). For few, ideas for a short break from blog-o-sphere may surface tonight. Love life may be tense due to your partner's inability to understand your needs. In case of breakup, chances are that you might find your new blog-partner today.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)

Work will progress smoothly and there could be favorable developments in office. You may get involved in a serious love affair with a blogger, which will give you immense satisfaction. Don't forget to clarify the gender before making any blind commitments. A new comer on blog might try to divert all your blog traffic on his new blog. Don't view this person with suspicion for there might be a lot of sense in what he says. You'll see shitty comments from Anonym-asses as bad dreams of life, rather than obstacles.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)

You are likely to be in restless mood due to a long break of almost 2.2 days from blog. A new hobby fascinates you. You enjoy expressing creatively. Music is likely to play a more important role now; you might even go ahead & add a music-add-on in your template. You might come across your childhood friend (who is also blogging now) while blog hopping. Let your hair down this evening and dedicate time to family who long for your presence. Plan to enjoy a little quiet time with a loved one writing a short & sweet post for tomorrow.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)

It could be a hectic day at work but don't let this deter you from being proactively blog hopping from your cell phone or penning down new ideas on office notepad. You will earn name and fame only if you register to Technorati, Blogflux, Blog directory, etc. Short travel will create tension as it will keep you away from blog-o-sphere for a while. Visitors from unexpected part of the world (viz. Timbuktu, Andaman & Nicobar Islands, Antarctica, etc.) are indicated. Married bloggers will enjoy healthy sex life.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)

You may have to actually work part of the day today, but after lunch afternoon is all yours. You'll be able to utilize it for blogging either for writing new post(s) or blog-hopping. Blogger pals might find you witty and eccentric just now. Understanding with your life partner will be good. You may get promoted and transferred to a department with high-speed and unmonitored internet connection. This evening you may find yourself in a poetic mood, which might result into a new post for tomorrow.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)

There will be lots of activities at work and you may have a tough time staying on schedule for your upcoming posts. However, during later part of the day you might want to update your blog template or even change it to a new one. As far as post is concerned, think about writing a review of an activity, city or accommodation while traveling or vacationing. Romance and flirting on blog will be healthy.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Blogging at work will be smooth sailing and you will be inspired to put in your best efforts. Your sense of humor and ready with will draw bloggers on your blog. Blog-rolling new links is on agenda. This is also the time of your life where you'll be able to enjoy by able to make first comment in at least 13 favorite blogs of yours. Minor health problems are likely if time spent in blog-o-sphere is more than 17hrs. Cardiac problems are indicated, if comments for 15 consecutive posts are less than 4.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Hectic activity at work could leave you feeling tired and exhausted. Romance goes from low on the priority list to number two (number one obviously hafta be blogging). Sympathy and understanding with fellow bloggers are emotional qualities that take on greater importance. Its wisdom, not knowledge while making comments that counts now. It's also time for sweet words, candlelight and romantic posts at nights. Enjoy it!!

Those were the "socks" days of my life…

2005-11-23T11:40:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time, I used to wear socks inside my shoes, but now as I’m growing old and lazy…I just don’t feel they are necessary at all. It’s a fact, if you want to judge a guy’s personality, look at his shoes. Nowhere it's mentioned, look whether he is wearing socks inside them or not. I wear LEE COOPERS the costliest one, so I carry a good personality. But when you look inside it, where are the bloody socks?? Does that mean I’m having FAKE Personality?

As a kid I was forced to wear socks by my mom while going to school in those tiny white shoes that was compulsory according to school’s policies. But now, when the company policy is to wear formal shoes, they never said you hafta wear formal socks along with the shoes too. I know I know…they even never said anything about formal underwear anywhere in that “Employee Handbook”, but I believe underwear is compulsory…whether it’s formal or casual it’s up to the guy wearing it.

Frankly speaking I really don’t remember buying any pair of socks myself. Whenever I needed them, I used to go, “Mom, I need new pair of socks” and BOOM!!…there you go…brand new socks right on shoe rack. And the surprising fact is that no one ever measured ma foot size, but whenever I try new pair of socks, they just fit in perfectly. Voila!!

Being a bachelor and staying away from family comes with its own small pack of advantages. Like we can move around for months without cleaning up anything that is lying around the bed, wash clothes only when AXE deodorant gives up its fight of making us smell good and of course when the guy from end of the floor complains of either smelly socks or a dead rat.

Yes, that’s the first sign of getting a new pair coz washing is like torture-test to the detergent. At times I wonder instead of those commercials showing how to bring safedi (whiteness) on shirt with stains, they should try washing ma used socks instead. They might change there slogan to, “Aaaya naya UJALA, poori bottle wala”, coz char boond will not make any difference at all. Infact, I’m so sure they’ll never come out with a new version of there product in future.

Being a religious guy, I strongly believe that instead of having “USE AND THROW” concept on ball-point pens, they should start using it on socks….you use it, pass on your shoe stink to it and then throw it. You are happy, you shoes will never smell bad and yes, your neighbors in office will never think of throwing stapler in your direction, whenever you cross their cubicle.

By the way, ever thought of this. If your body stinks, you have soaps & perfumes; if your arm-pits stink you have Deo’s. But it’s unfair that you don’t have anything if your socks stink. One of ma retard friend used to apply DEO in there, just to skip washing them…..yiiikeeess!!

Backup Backup!!

2005-11-22T10:59:00.000+05:30

Just 2 days back, I tried accessing two blogs (Di’s – peepssheep _ blogspot _ com and Katya’s – katyacoldheart _ blogspot _ com) that I used to frequently visit when I entered blogging, I was surprised to see that they were hacked by some punk. Whole blog was deleted and URL was used to sell his shitty products.

That’s when the thought of taking backup came in my mind and I had to Google for some information. I would like to share that with ma blogger pals from this post.

Its all the hard work that we put up in creating a blog, which I don’t think anyone, will enjoy getting erased by someone “just for fun”. Requesting you all to kindly take precautionary measures about the same.

Backup Method I:
If you have patience and can play around with Template file, please go ahead and give “Blogger: How do I create a backup of my entire blog?” a try. It tells about a method, which requests you to make certain changes in the template file and take backup of your posts. After that you need to revert back to the original template file.

I need to try this out, maybe during the coming weekend, right now loads of work on ma head already.

Backup Method II:
Download HTTrack Website Copier. HTTrack is a free software that lets you download a website or a weblog straight into your computer. It will automatically build directories and obtain HTML, images and other files from the server in to your computer, creating a "mirror" site locally. This will make sure that you have an offsite copy of your blog all the time along with the comments, in case you need to upload them all if you fall pray for some hacker.

For guys who are making posts from café or office shared computer, might be interested in knowing more about how to prevent themselves from getting hacked. Kindly read my post “OMG, I got hacked” to know more on how you need to punch in your passwords safely.

If anyone knows any other method, please share it with me.

(Z000nie’s bizarre post, “I don’t wear socks” is coming today evening, thought of making this quick post to share ma knowledge with all you beautiful people. Greetz to everyone!!)

Z000n's Secrets Revealed

2005-11-20T15:06:00.000+05:30

The following list of Q's are shamelessly stolen from Becky.

Smoked a cigarette – Never, and don’t even feel like smoking ever in ma life.
Crashed a friend's car – I don’t know how to drive. But was caught on 2 occasions where I was sitting next to the drivers seat and had an accident. Came out without a scratch though.
Stolen a car – Nope (If I was in US, I would have attempted for it during my teens...excited hormones you see)
Been in love – Yes. *blush*
Been dumped – Yes…at start of this year.
Shoplifted – I just can’t. If I ever, I might faint on the spot.
Been fired – Nope. When one of my previous company’s was not leaving me after my resignation, I asked them to fire me so that I could get relieving certificate.
Been in a fist fight – Yes. Once in 8th std.
Snuck out of your parent's house – Nope.
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back – Yes. I carry crushes hidden inside me…and then after sometime I realize…if I only I’d said something…
Been arrested – Never.
Gone on a blind date – Hmmm…not a date, but went to meet an online friend.
Lied to a friend – Yes.
Skipped school – Never.
Seen someone die – Not a human being…but my pets, yes.
Had a crush on one of your internet friends – Yes.
Been to Canada - Never
Been to Mexico – Nope
Been on a plane – Lot many times.
Purposely set a part of yourself on fire – I would never do that. Not even in my dreams.
Eaten Sushi – I would love too (only on company expense!!)
Been jet-skiing – Nope.
Met someone in person from the Internet – List is quite long.
Taken pain killers – Yes. I get severe headaches at times.
Loved and missed someone – Yes. I still miss that special someone.
Flown a kite – Yes.
Built a sand castle – Nope.
Gone puddle jumping – Nope. Never enjoyed rains.
Cheated while playing a game – Nope.
Been lonely – Yes…it hurts.
Fallen asleep at work or school – School…I don’t think so. Never slept at work, even when working on odd hours.
Used a fake id – Real life….nope.
Watched a sun set – Yes
Felt an earthquake – Oh yeah…quite a few times.
Touched a snake – Yes.
Slept beneath the stars – Yes…at my hometown.
Been robbed – Nope.
Been misunderstood – Yes...I'm always misunderstood. Thats the tragedy :(
Petted a reindeer/goat – Yes.
Won a contest – Yes…just few days back I got a big silver coin from RD.
Run a red light/stop sign – I usually do when Im out with ma bro on his bike.
Been suspended from school – Never.
Been in a car accident – Yes…when traveling with ma boss from previous company, he dashed a two-wheeler head-on.
Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night – Nope.
Had déjà vu – Oh yeah…a lot many times.
Danced in the moonlight – Nope.
Witnessed a crime – Nope.
Been obsessed with post-it notes – Not much. Though I carry it in ma office desk.
Squished barefoot through the mud – Yes.
Been lost – Yes. I have poor sense of geography. I hate traveling alone.
Been on the opposite side of the country – Nope, but I would love too.
Swam in the ocean – Nope...infact I dont know swimming (Started reading "Learn swimming in 48hrs", lets see)
Cried yourself to sleep – Yes…as a kid I used to.
Played cops and robbers – Yes.
Recently colored with crayons – Nope.
Sung karaoke – Yes…but alone.
Paid for a meal with only coins – Nope.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't – Yes.
Made prank phone calls – Nope…but I used to give miss calls to this gal studying with me in 11th and 12th std.
Caught a snow flake on your tongue – Nope. I so want to one day.
Written a letter to Santa Clause – Hehehe…nope.
Been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend – Nope...not yet.
Watched the sun rise with someone you care about – Nope.
Blown bubbles – Nope.
Bonfire on the beach – Nope
Laughed so hard you pee your pants – Never
Cheated on a test – Yes.
Been kissed by someone you didn't like – Nope.
Gone skinny-dipping in a pool – Hell no!!

If anyone wants to get tagged, please go ahead :)
(Deepa and Truth Fairy, I'll be working on your tags next weekend. Thanks!!)

Intelligent Nugget‘s

2005-11-18T10:35:00.000+05:30

“Dude, why is your new monitor so dull looking? Is there any problem with its resolution or something?”
“Nope. I had to decrease the color resolution.”
“And that is because…?”
“If I keep the resolution high from now itself, when its already new…I’m sure the colors inside this monitor are gonna fade pretty soon. I don’t want this to turn into a black-n-white after like 2 years down the line”
“You are genius!!”

“Can I borrow this mouse attached to your PC for a while?”
“Why?”
“I’m playing HALO in multi-user mode on a single PC. And my friend also wants to have a mouse to operate all controls”
“Do you think that will work?”
“It has to. I got 2 USB ports.”

“Do I need a CD-writer to take backup of all my data on a CD from my system?”
“Yes, of course. How you gonna burn the CD then?”
“No…I got latest version of this CD burning software 2 days back. Software makes everything come true. I don’t think there should be a problem.”
“If you are able to, please make a copy for me too then.”
“Oh sure I will. After all we are CD-Brothers...remember!!”

“Z000nie, what time is it now bro?”
“Dude, you are working on your system that has a nice little clock module at the bottom right corner of your screen. Also, god has given you a nice Nokia Cell phone which is working without any problem. Do you still need to ask the time again and again?”
“I was just checking whether you are aware of all this or not!!”
“How I wish to see you getting punched right on your nose, d!ck head!!”

“I just sent you an email, did you received it in your inbox?”
“I think I should have. I trust the mail server.”
“It’s not the mail server dude. I don’t trust the admin guy maintaining that server. What if he is snooping all ma emails and deleting them at his will”
“Since I sit in your adjacent cubicle, you can drop by anytime after clicking send to confirm about it. But what if you are sending mails to someone outta this building. How are you gonna check?”
“I send another e-mail, asking for confirmation”
“Wow!! You are one guy with brains. Boy, you are wasting your hidden talents in India.”
“I know…”

“Wawww….she’s one hot chick, man”
“Yeah I know…and in that tiny dress...she even looks cuter”
“Can we just edit this photo in a notepad and…you know, as every file is made up of 0’s and 1’s…”
“Yeah…I know that. What’s your point?”
“We will replace all 1’s with 0’s so that we get to see her naked”
“Brilliant!!”

Secrets of IT Revealed: How to handle clients?

2005-11-16T15:50:00.000+05:30

After my post on Survival in IT - Hidden Secrets Revelealed, few months back, I thought of writing a post on how to deal with clients, if you are working in this Industry. After gaining enough experience, I dont fear penning down my 9 commandments which I religiosuly follow everyday I enter my office.

Clients are like GOD in our sweet industry. No wonder, people have gone to the extreme of keeping clients photograph on there desktop, worshipping them before starting day’s activity and things like that. They play a very important role and your future (& your appraisal, salary, perks, etc.) depends on how much business they give it to you.

Then how to deal with them Z000n, I hear you ask.

Just follow 9 simple commandments given below, you will be running up the ladders (Might even land into your clients office if you’re fast climber)

Thou shall always respect your client and treat him as GOD. International clients are never visible when you deal with them. You only hear there voice (and shouts) on your cell phone. GOD is also not visible, but you know HE is somewhere around.
Thou shall never get “emotionally” attached to your client while working for him. Especially during audit when you are sent to find flaws in their processes. I remember while dealing with an Umm-ricccan client, he introduced me to his family. Then he used to drop me at my hotel after office too. Oh boy, it made me a bit difficult to highlight flaws in his business processes
Thou shall never audit your clients laptop. Everyone likes to watch p0rn. Do I need to say anything more?
Thou shall use your clients snap as wallpaper. This will act as a booster to work hard or get screwed from “human species” seen on that wallpaper
Thou shall accept whatever your client says about yourself.You are dumb, if this is what your client says, accept it. Client knows better that what you really think of yourself
Thou shall never sleep with anyone from the client’s side. Never do this. You’ll get screwed up from four sides at a time – office, client, home, girl friend.
Thou shall treat your client with equal respect even when not involved in face-to-face communication. When we used to have telephonic conference call with our Japanese client, we used to BOW (Japanese ishtyle) in front of the telephone as soon as we hear the voice from other side. This is called giving “equal respect”. Hindi-Japani bhai-bhai!!
Thou shall always accompany your clients for dinner, if they visit you. Never miss this golden chance. While having meals, keep on bouncing Q’s related to project at hand, to make them believe that for 24hrs only WORK is on your mind. It doesn’t matter if you play HALO-combat game when you’re actually suppose to work.
Thou shall never cry in front of client for salary raise. Stop acting like a cheapo at least in front of your client. I’ve seen people actually doing this.

Anti-blogging chewing gum!!

2005-11-14T00:18:00.000+05:30

Ever switched on TV at weird times (time slot that does not fall under prime time)?

Majority of Indian channels show Telebrands/Teleshopping – it’s a show where a bunch of happy and smiling people are selling unbelievable products.

Yes, you name it, and they have something to meet your needs.

Glow in dark condoms (Yes, I saw this episode. They asked a short-n-slim guy to actually wear the condom like a cap on his head in order to show how it glows in dark)
Knife that will cut your coke can, furniture and even your pets into pieces (ewwww)
Hair dryer that will dry hair like objects from every part and pit of your body (No comments)
Facial cream that will make your skin glow (I remember watching one episode where after applying the cream, that model literally gave out radiation. I’m sure she got selected for STAR WARS - 4)

While watching TELEBRANDS, the only thing that comes in my mind is, “Boy, all these people make me proud of the acting industry. You see, they are natural born actors…the only bad thing is that they were never able to grab the opportunity at the right time”. I think, maybe now they have given up all struggles and have decided to become on-screen sales person.

The other thing that is very common is that long toll-free number flashed on screen soon after marketing is done. “Dial the number flashing on your screen, and we’ll deliver this product in minutes. Hurry up!! Early bird will receive lot of free goodies FREEEE. So what are you waiting for? Dial the number now. It’s flashed at the bottom of your screen.”

This reminds me of late night shows I used to watch in Dubai, where some cute naked chick used to appear suddenly while watching a good movie and say something similar. For a moment, yes…you are tempted to dial the number. But for Telebrands…jeeeez, give me a break!!

Majority of the time these people try to sell products that will help you give up addiction of Smoke and alcohol. I don’t do any of these, but yes I’m addicted to blogging. Now I’m waiting for something similar to come up very soon:

Hello, guys I’m Billy Bob. Last year during X-mas, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating behind my back. To get over the depression, one friend of mine introduced me to blogging. After that my world totally changed. I enjoyed spending hours and hours at a stretch on blog, writing posts at weird hours and blog hopping on weekends. I got so addicted that I started neglecting my job, my family and pets. Until one day I realized, I was job less, my family moved somewhere else, without even commenting on my blog, where they are right now…and pets, I don’t remember where the hell they are right now. May God bless their kind soul!!

But now, things have changed yet again for me, thanks for this anti-blogging chewing gum from BOOBLE.com. Whenever I get the urge to write a post or do blog hopping, I chew this gum to take my mind off it. Now I get time to hang out with my friends after office hours and they too have given up blogging. My pets have returned back to me from the wild. However, I’m yet to track down my family, but I know once they see this Ad on TV, they are going to call me back. “Hi mom!! Hi dad. This is me Billy.”

Guys, I know what I’ve been through myself and I know while this show is being aired on your TV channel, few bloggers out there are busy writing some post for there blog. Believe me this chewing gum is going to put your life back on track. You can see happiness flowing out of my face, right here…right now. You'll see that on your face too.

The long wait of frustration and lonliess is over.
Place your order now. Number is being flashed on your screen. Hurry up!!
First 100 lucky customers will get anti-smoking chewing gum free and next 100…unlucky fellows, you’ll not get anything…so please don’t even ask for it.

Hurry up!!
Don’t think, just call on the number flashed on your screen. Mom, dad I’m waiting for your call too.

And *dare* anyone even think of writing a post on this. We reserve rights to sue if we see our brand name appear on any blog.

Weekend Humor: Warning signs!!

2005-11-12T10:41:00.000+05:30

Company pick-up bus:

Pick pockets on the rise. Stay alert. Claims will not be approved.

Outside Bosses cabin (during appraisal):

Crying inside, strictly prohibited.
No CRYING. Tissues are not provided by the company.

Inside ladies special bus:

Reserved for GENTS.
Reserved for BACHELOR.

Outside Z000nie’s Cubicle:

This is Z000nie. Please don’t enquire about RAMA.
I’m not getting paid to find out who & where RAMA is.
All BEP fans will get FREE MP3 CD on request. Hurry before offer ends!!
I reserve rights to fart in ma own space.

On Resume (at the bottom of every page):

*Conditions Apply. Please read risk document before calling.
Projects mentioned can change without prior notice.
Resume once sent, will not be taken back.

On pack of Condoms:

Do not iron. No dry cleaning.
Wash only with mild warm water.
Starching will give better results

ID, VC & CV

2005-11-10T15:36:00.000+05:30

After post on Identity Cards, its time to say something about those small white color cards that sit nicely in your valet and also serves as a good medium to start a conversation with strangers (read chicks in business meetings). Yes, I’m talking about Visiting / Business Cards (VC)

I carry amusing history of these cards. When I Was in my first company and afta spending like 9 months, we gained popularity and started getting invitations from “after dark” happening places for meetings. It was observed that, people don’t mind if you flash your VC on their face (just like FBI, don't move, we got you...kinds) and then with a smile start the conversation. Its one of the good things of being in IT, you already have a reason to initiate a conversation. How can I forget those angry looks (at times words too) I used to get, after saying, “You look familiar to me, were you in this college” or “Your face reminds me of Katrina Kaif…sisters??”

Jeeezzz....

Anyway, so before sending order for printing, my boss asked me, “Will you stay back for like an year, so I’ll order 100 VC’s for you”, and my obvious reply was, “Definitely”

After I got that bunch, within a week I resigned. Shamelessly I carried that VC-box along with me as Souvenir.

Came my 2nd company and I realized that during International trips, it’s very much necessary to carry minimum FIVE VC’s along with you all the time. During a meeting, you are definitely going to exchange three; remaining two can serve as spoon while munching cone ice cream’s after office.

I kept that in mind before leaving for ma 2nd trip and I didn’t even check what was printed on my VC, when I got call for 3rd company. I resigned directly from Dubai, even before landing here. While in third company, I never even bothered to carry it around coz my Designation was kindda stupid there.

However, in present company, I applied for them on my very first day itself. Thought it'll break the jinx. Somehow I survived till now, it’s already been 9months. But I don’t know for how long, as I’m already getting poached since last weekend.

Enough of me, lets focus on Visiting Cards. The main problem is to carry them around with you. I mean, in your vallet, they consume a lot of space and while travelling, one butt cheek suffers a lot. I hope I don't end up having one flat cheek...The best place is to keep it inside your tie, at the bottom part which is pretty wide. It also serves the purpose of keeping it in place.

Also, at times I wonder why VC's don’t carry a small passport size photograph on it. Then how different will it be from Identity Card? The only difference being, ID’s don’t carry summarized summary of your achievement in 2 lines, but VC does. Isn’t it?

Then can CV be called as expanded version of VC??
(Please don’t get confused in abbreviations, CV-Curriculum Vitae and VC-Visiting Card)

How many of you remember people just by looking at VC you get in a meeting from some dumb looking guy? I just cannot. I’ve poor memory for faces and most of the time I don’t even care to read what’s written on it.

Something to ponder: Do gals carry VC’s in there handbags?
I never got any in ma life yet. I mean, just wondering, are they pink in color having lipstick at the bottom. Maybe they even apply perfume to smell good. How about having a small mirror behind it, so that in emergency they can rely on quick make-up.

Who knows?

They are mystery in themselves!!

Mu"D"ick on your body!!

2005-11-09T18:54:00.000+05:30

Musical breast implants

Computer chips that store music could soon be built into a woman's breast implants. One boob could hold an MP3 player and the other the person's whole music collection. BT futurology, who have developed the idea, say it could be available within 15 years.

Read more about this on "Musical Breasts Implants" article.

I love music and I wouldn’t mind if its coming from iPOD or urB00B. But 15 years down the line, I think hopefully I’ll be married by then with kids. So after reading this news, I was not sure whether to jump outta joy or to cry that I’ll not be able to hear music from “natural resources”.

The researchers say that rest of the control, (volume, song selection, etc.) will be provided on the wrist in the form of a panel, which will be connected using Blue Tooth. I don’t understand this, when the whole music stereo (along with MP3’s) is inside those “twins”, shouldn’t they use the natural buttons GOD himself has provided there?

I came to know about such implants when a friend of mine showed me raunchy snap of Pamela Anderson (during her B00b-watch …I mean Baywatch days) way back in 2001. For a moment I was not able to make out whether she was wearing Halloween Costume or had watermelons stuffed inside. Later I saw on Discovery (my ultimate knowledge guide) how painful the whole process is of getting silicon stuffed inside.

I was just wondering what kinda implants do guys do for?
Hair?
Butt?
Chest??
I don’t know…even Google is not helping me too.

Now that B00b-mp3 player is out, I was just wondering if those researchers extend their research on guys too.

Where will they even think of planning to put the player?
Biceps?
Jeeezz…I’ll have to run down to Gym to get those muscles then.

What else?
Nothing.

The only other body part is *Ahem*….*Ahem*

I think that’s the only place we guys can think of storing like 10-60GB (depending on the mood) worth music with Dolby Digital Surround sound in the “twins” available below.

Thinking a bit deeper, why not to have FM Antennae plugged in too and we can point “it” in any direction we like, right??

Voila!!
Live music for 23hrs!!

Wooo….Hooooo!!

Dude, where’s 1hr gone, I hear you ask?
Come on, we guys need some rest while peeing, don’t we??

Anyway, in future if you hear such a news from trusted news channel, you know where you heard about it first, right fellas?

I so wanted to patent this idea of mine, coz I can see myself counting dollars (no indian currency this time) from now only.

Kir-ket and Marri-age

2005-11-07T19:57:00.000+05:30

Cricket never attracted me towards itself. I remember going for after-dinner walk when the finals between arch rival and India was being aired on Star Sports. Infact I came to know what a test match is when I started ma graduation and was forced to watch 5-day matches in hostel TV room, after bunking lectures.

As a kid, I used to hate ma friends glued to TV set for hours on weekends, reason – Ravi Shastri is going to bowl and bat in this match. Jeeeezz….I used to laugh at them saying, this is all set up already. Director of this match is sitting somewhere outside and this “movie” of people getting out and fours-n-sixes are all part in the script. Stop getting excited and let’s go out and play hide-n-seek.

When match fixing scandal came out few years back, I can’t put down in words how happy I was (please note my vocab is limited). It was like a dream come true for me, I was so thrilled as I’d never thought that my Indian team would make ma dream come true one day and make me PROUD too.

YIPPEEE!!

Anyway, this post is not about cribbing our improved version of cricket team however, it’s about the fascinating (at times funny) commentary that goes in the background. This is something which always surprises me. What’s the need of commentary in the first case?

Alright, there are few guys already on the ground giving necessary audio to the ongoing action, then huge audience who give instant response to each and every ball thrown on the field. Why there hafta be 2 guys giving background noise all the time?

If you think for a while, what’s the difference in watching a recorded match and a shaaddi-da-video (wedding video)? Former one has a commentary while the latter one comes with a good marriage songs or live recording of voices to feel the real action. Ever heard following while watching wedding cassette:

Ravi: We are here to witness the live action between BRIDE and GROOM straight from Lokhandwala Complex Marriage Ground. Very good morning to ma fellow commentator Maninder. And to you people watching this from their living room while munching pop corns and free left over wedding sweets.
Maninder: Very Good morning Ravi. As you can see BRIDE has won the toss and she has decided to come into the mandap before GROOM. I just wonder what he is doing inside his dressing room for so long.
Ravi: I’m sure he is preparing for his class action once he gets in front of her.
Maninder: I would like to remind our viewers that this video recording is sponsored by MOOD Condoms (Safety First, Rest laters) and co-sponsored by Birth Control Pills (Goli ki Humjoli), Divorce ki pappi (by Advocate Shaadiwala for on the spot divorce. Just send SMS with DIV to 8686) and After-Honeymoon Blogging-Package (Life membership of templates free).
Ravi: And don’t forget to mention that our refreshments are thanks to TolaRam’s left over diwali pack of sweets.
Maninder: Hehehe…yes. How can I forget that? After eating them, I already went thrice for nature’s call. What an awesome arrangement?
Ravi: Errr….whateva…Maninder, I hope you remember that GROOM has an excellent record in his previous innings…I mean marriage, where he scored triplets in just one year. However, due to poor performance after that success, he never was able to perform well.
Maninder: Yes, I clearly remember that innings. He was just 19 that time and what a terrific innings that was. I have a copy of his innings in ma personal best collection.
Ravi: Anyway, back to the mandap…

And the commentary continues…

Ever heard something like this on a wedding video?
I don’t think so anyone has yet…but no worries I will put mine on blog, so that you guys get to see and yes, hear of course, a bizarre blogger wedding.

Please note, commentary will only be put up on blog, for video with blurred faces there will be certain charges, which are not decided yet. For full unedited version of ma wedding video, there will be extra charges, depending on how much “extra” shots I’m putting in.

Random bubbles of Bizarreness

2005-11-05T22:26:00.000+05:30

Harry Potter is kinda long name and consumes around 15 sec of oral communication time and around 2.3 mins while writing it down.
Can this name be merged into a single name, HOTTER??

While waiting on the signal, I saw this garbage dumping truck waiting next to ma vehicle. Clean MUMBAI, GREEN MUMBAI was written on one side of that stinking, brown colored truck. I was just wondering what’s the point in writing CLEAN & GREEN on that stinking vehicle. Shouldn’t it be, “BROWN & DIRTY SHIT inside to make CLEAN & GREEN MUMBAI outside”

While in Delhi, traffic came to halt for like 5 mins, because some VVIP was traveling in his ambassador with all those Bikes and Jeeps with sirens in front and behind his vehicle.
Now if due to some emergency, he has to travel on his bike at the last minute, where will that SIREN be placed so that he can avoid traffic.?
On top of his helmet?

I’ve seen people clicking snaps of there loved ones with a long and broad smile at any weird place you can think of. Take for example, just few hours ago I was in a shopping mall, where I saw one guy clicking snap of his GF (hope I’m right) bang outside the entrance of PANTALOON. Jeeeez…
Give me break.
Which makes me think…why they are called as Kodak moments?
Coz such moments doesn’t come back. They are precious. Ten years down the line, they will remind of the moments captured in the form of a snap.
I don’t click snaps even though I carry ma cell phone with cam in it. I think ma life is already very flat to capture any “moments” of any sort. Maybe 5 years down the line it will be bumpy like a pot-hole and another 5 yrs…it will be manhole.

Manhole reminds me…
I did read few incidents of people having accidents coz of open man holes during pre-monsoon season in Mumbai.
Now if a guy falls in an open MAN hole, can that be said as: “He is Gay fcuker”, coz he literally got screwed up by that open man-hole.
And what if a chick falls down an open man-hole…

But hold on a sec…never heard of any such incidents. Maybe gals are smart enough to watch out for any open “MAN holes”.

Gals don’t think about sex, like we guys do…all the time.
I think they don’t have to, in the first case…
They just have to “protect” and serve…
By that I mean, take necessary protection and then serve…
Oh yeah, we are Bad boys…Bad boys…
Wtch you gonna do…
Wtch you gonna do…
When we come for you!!

Ahem...I need one...cough

2005-11-03T11:08:00.000+05:30

“What do you want dude??”
“I need some movie titles. Show me the collection.”
“What kinda movies?”
“How about English movies? Hollywood…”
“Double X or Triple X”

Jeeeeeeeeeez.

This was the conversation I had with almost every DVD owner in Pallika Bazar (Delhi) during my last trip to this pirated zone.

It makes me wonder, what species of human beings spend money in buying such things?
Dude, it’s available for FREE on net, spend time there instead of making a bold move in public. I mean, considering the looks one get from people around, after you say…”I need p0rn”, is kinda weird. They will look at you from top to bottom, as if the only movies they ever watch are Ramanand Sagar’s Complete RAMAYAN and B.R. Chopra’s THE MAHABHARTA. P0rn is like taboo for them, and people who watch it are horny freaks.

I myself give bad looks to people who ask for such movies openly.
I don’t know why.
Is it coz he is such a jerk to speak out loud?
Or I need to modernize myself to 21st century.

There are few things, which are necessary after you hit a certain age in your life. For example, guys don’t need shaving kit soon after they come to know how to spell it. No one is born with a beard and moustache. Only after 14yrs or so, you suddenly feel growth of facial hairs, which needs to be removed on daily basis. Same is with p0rn and condoms - you require it after you hit your teens.

I myself have never purchased condom yet…nor have I seen people purchasing it in front of me. Now it indirectly means, you are going to have a “supa-dupa” time as soon as you leave the medical shop. Definitely they are not going to be used has Big B’day balloons in your b’day party. People making purchase along with you in that shop are bound to give some looks…or giggles in your direction. Don’t you think so?

In order to avoid all such embarrassment, there has to be some secret code…a universal one, using which when you enter the shop, you don’t have to speak out loud. For example, while you enter a movie shop with the intention of “action” movies, the code should be used in a way like:
You enter the shop and see people around buying “clean” movies.
You look at the owner and start your secret hand-shaking process.
Slowly you shake your head twice in right direction and in thrice in left direction.
Owner gets the signal about your “requirement”
He goes inside slowly and comes out with a brown paper bag.
You exchange money with brown bag and happily go back home.
People don’t know what you purchased, no one gives you bad looks and above all, no jerk is going to sit and write this whole matter as a post on this blog.

See everyone’s happy!!
Life is not that complex and filled with embarrassment anymore.

Now where the heck is October issue of Playboy I downloaded last night…

Se7en

2005-10-30T21:28:00.000+05:30

Thanks to everyone who tagged me for this. I’ve purposely not disclosed there names coz this post is gonna be one hell of a boring write up (infact I fell down twice on the keyboard while writing) as my life is already very flat and dull…on that if you want me to scribble down seven things, it will be seven times more dull.

So get ready to yaawwnn…

Seven things I plan to do:
I plan a lot of things, but they are never put into action. In fact, you can say, I’m a very good planner, if not for my laziness I would have been more successful person than what I am right now. These are the following things I want to do in near future (in next 7 days, I mean)

Make a plan first of what to do seriously. This I’m planning to write down on a piece of paper and not on some imaginary scribble pad.
Get new pair of Woodland’s. It’s almost 1.5yrs I haven’t purchased new shoes and this one stinks. I gave up removing shoes during office hour’s coz guy from the other cubicle once locked a call with the helpdesk. Later on he told me about stink problem coz of some probable dead rat somewhere near his cubicle. *damn* that was close.
Clean up my lappy. It’s all sticky and kinda smelly coz of the drool.
Download more MP3’s. I seriously need change in my play list. (Kindly let me know if anyone wants me to sing any of BEP’s song from both Elephunk and Monkey Business birthday’s…I’ve by hearted them by now.)
Clean up mess in my apartment. If not the whole room, at least throw wrapper’s and prepaid cards lying at 2m distance from my bed. At night, they make funny noise when fan is put up in full speed.
Give up making fun of gals on my blog. Last weekend met a friend of mine online and she was pissed off after reading my posts which made fun of chicks. I’m still trying to figure out which post was that.
I really don’t know what I’m thinking right now. Should I get firecrackers or download few more flash animations from online. Hmmm…

Seven things I can do:
Being a LEO, I don’t think anything is impossible for me. I throw this statement at anyone who asks the same question.

I can be real pain in neck, if you try to test my IQ.
I can be real pain in a$$, if you force me to watch Bollywood movie in theater. Many have tried doing this, now they are just invisible to me. Don’t know where they disappeared.
I can fart and walk around at the same time. This trick I learned after I started blogging, though blogging and farting has no relation what so eva…but I just wanted to say I CAN DO IT.
I can write posts for ma blog at weirdest hour and at un-thinkable places. I was meeting a friend of mine afta a long time while in Delhi and while talking to her, I was writing post on ma cell. She was like…whats happening?
If free time in hand, I can spam everyone in ma mailing list with tons of forwards I get daily. I never get tired doing this on weekends
I can write post of around 238+ words with a single hand.
I can stand and watch chick’s whole day outside Frank Finn Air hostess training centre. I never get tired standing there…dunno how.

Seven things I can’t do:

I can’t cook. I just can’t. I tried making out-of-the-pack 2 mins Maggie noodles for evening snacks one day. It took me like 20 mins to figure out whether to boil water for 2 mins and then drop these noodles in it…or to both boil and stir noodles at the same time.
I can’t play Solitaire and work on document in office at the same time. So I prefer keeping 20 mins from ma 8hr schedule only for Solitaire and Freecell.
I can’t lie. I’m a poor liar. The other day someone asked me, do you really mean what you write in your blog. My reply was if I’d to lie, there was no need to spend so much time in writing, right? She replied back, you are retard then. Damn, I should have lied to her.
I can’t tolerate bodily odors. I get headaches. I prefer avoiding people rather than having headaches.
I can’t blog hop much these days. I’m kinda tired doing that for past couple of weeks.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do that.

Being a blogger friend of mine, if you are reading this, kindly figure out what is “this” and “that” & let me know in order to receive a surprise Diwali gift. Being a festive season, my brain has just stopped thinking.

Seven things I say most often:

What the hell?
Fcuk off
Sh!t (or something close…Holy Sh!t)
Oh boy…
I’ll screw your happiness, if you fiddle around with me
I’m pissed off right now.
Something stinks in here…is that smell coming from my shoes.

Seven people I want to tag:
I liked this section. It’s similar to those forwarded mails you get every time, at the end of which it’s written:

In order to make your wishes come true, forward this mail to:
1. 100-90 friends – One chick will throw her used tissue paper on you this week.
2. 70-90 friends – If you are working, your boss will make an offer to sleep with you. If in college, one of your classmates will.
3. 50-70 friends – If you wanna see your neighbor run away with your wife
4. 30-50 friends - If you don’t wanna see your kid/sibling becoming a blogger.
5. 10-30 friends – If you are at home on dial-up and really trying to finish homework before your parents get back home.

Keeping this in mind, I so wanna tag following people for Se7en. (Guys get down to work now & please don’t curse me)
Niki-san
Pallavi
Erika
Harshul
Phoenix
TripleSix
Mirage

Gummy Bear

2005-10-27T20:12:00.000+05:30

As a kid, I remember when we used to fall short of pocket money and could afford only one Gum per week, the only way to keep on chewing for 6 days was to wrap it up at night in the same wrapper it came from.

Did I hear someone go ewwww??

Believe me it tastes funny in the morning and surprisingly it never decays. I never understood how and why behind it, and I never put any sincere efforts on it too. In fact, right now my network cable is in place for like 6 months now, thanks to Centre-Shock bubble gum.

If you work in IT, either you’ll get addicted to smoke or alcohol or if you carry athletic background, you’ll chew gum to keep themselves entertained. I call these people as IT-Cows; you look at their face and their jaws will instantly remind of you of those poor cattle down the street.

As of me, I don’t do anything of the above, but its fun to chew gum sometimes. I usually do this on Fridays when it’s a casual day and people are in jolly mood. Once you know you’re done exercising your jaws, make a nice roll and randomly throw it in some cubicle. If you hear “Ewwwww…Ewwww…Ewwww” (sure she’s female) or “Mutha fucka” (guys, boss, visitor, pizza delivery guy), just have a nice grin and slowly stand up with a surprise look. If needed, show your friendly attitude to the victim friend of yours by helping him hunt down The Culprit.

There are many ways you can enjoy your boring work in office, this was one of them. Rest will follow as I continue blogging ahead.

At times I wonder, can bubble gums be recycled?
I mean, before going to sleep, you put it in freezer along with flavored juice (mint, strawberry) and some jelly’s. Next day before starting for office, put the new recycled home-made gum in your mouth and there you go. Now that the idea is out, if someone tries to sell such a product, you guys know where you read it first. Right? Boy, I can imagine counting Rupees right now (can’t count dollars, this cheapo idea will make money in India)

If my memory helps me here, when I was in 5th std. I was thrown out of the class once. While my English professor was teaching Shakespeare I was focusing on softening the gum for blowing bubbles after the lecture (that’s one of the stupidest technique I eva used to impress gals). Damn, she asked me to throw it from the window, right in front of the whole class. Later on she became a family friend and I always used to avoid her with the fear that she’d bring up this issue in front of my mom, which until now (Thank you Gum-God!!) she hasn’t.

However, word of caution for those who carry filling in there tooth. Kindly take care while chewing with all your enthusiasm. I once neglected this warning and after 10 mins, along with the sugar present inside the gum, my filling also magically disappeared. Think it was pulled out by that sticky substance and before I could find it out, it was outta my mouth. Now I used that vacant space to hide emergency toffees.

Taquila ka shot - Tanushree Dutta

2005-10-27T20:08:00.000+05:30

I got around 7 pics of Tanushree few days back in email, most of them are in the pose shown above. Now I dont understand one thing, is she trying to

show that she is bra less?
show her bare cleanly shaved smooth back?
show her butt?
or what??

Gals in tiny clothes can be confusing these days...

*pooooof*

(Thanks to FD for forwarding it.)

Shine, shiner and shining

2005-10-25T19:21:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Please note, I don’t differentiate between black hair and invisible hair. I’m strictly against any kind of discrimination of any sort. Thanks)

Fortunate or unfortunate, I let you guys decide, but till now I’m lucky enough not to suffer from poor eye-sight or hair loss. I used to wear specs of my friend during school days. That was fun…oh yeah.

As a kid I used to observe one of my bald neighbor (his daughter was cute…is it coz he was bald…still a mystery to me) very closely. From his actions, at times I used to think that he was from a different planet altogether. One fine afternoon I was not able to stop myself and asked him, “Are you bald since you were born or this is your new hair style?”

I wonder at times, how life will be if I turn bald, one day:

I’ll save heavily on comb(s).
No money will be spent on shampoos, perfumed soaps either.
I’ll not feel embarrassed every month while visiting my barber for hair cut, and he asks me, “Should I just trim it or you need a baby-cut?”
Obviously, no worries about hair style!!
Guys, who don’t want me to DYE my hair ever, will jump in joy.
I can easily hide my age, as ‘shining top’ always reflects neutral look (white hair and a wedding ring, speaks out real age all the time)
Always find place in humorous posts, jokes, stories, insults, etc.
I’ll never have ET’s in any part of my body (what do they call those insects, ticks??)

And best of all, there’s very less probability (in fact negative) of me going self-conscious, prespire and then screw up, when a chick drops by suddenly in my cubicle.
Why? How? I hear you ask...
No matter how stressful and fucked up my day is, it’ll be smarty hidden by my baldness, unlike other people, who speak out loud from their “hairy expressions” even if they come out from 45 mins of ‘natures call’.

The reason I was triggered to write this post was the VISA application form, where it was mentioned - Color of your hair:
Now how to reply this?
Do baldies write in, “Invisibly black” or “They came, they stayed and now disappeared. You are pretty late, dude.”
Jeeez...what an embarrassment?

It’s like asking a blind guy, “Color of your eyes:”
Dude, my life is colorless since ma birth. What difference does it makes what color my eyes are?

Talking about embarrassment, once a female friend of mine confessed no matter what, no sex with a bald guy. After I asked her the reason, she was like, “Hair does matter…not on face, but on top of skull for sure. I would rather enjoy watching him go bald after marriage, thinking about me all the time. And moreover, no Prince is bald…why should mine be?”

Makes sense to me. Raise your hand if you’ve seen a p0rn clip with a bald guy. I’m sure the number of hands raised will be Nil (Anonym-asses, if you are reading this…even if you raise your hands, legs or yourself, its not gonna count.)

Anyway, please note the following words to avoid during conversation:

Shining beauty
Baldy-mom
Toothless comb
Butt-twin
Light house or Light reflector
Glow in dark top

I would like to conclude this post by saying, please respect these innocent creatures on our planet earth. They too are human beings with red blood cells and flesh. They are not aliens without antennae for god’s sake!!!

You have been blogging too long when…

2005-10-24T00:14:00.000+05:30

When you remember your and blog mates address (BLOG URL’s) better than your postal ones.

When every discussion you start with your colleagues ends with, “How many comments now?” or “Who will be the first to comment…yeah?”

When after a dispute with your GF, you threaten her to put all the discussion on blog, in order to shut her up

When breakup doesn’t bring tears in your eyes anymore, as you know next 4 months will be busy in writing posts related to your relationship.

When you shop for clothes looking for colors matching your blog template

When you start comparing HOTNESS of a female from her template used on her blog.

When you start looking for “Visitor’s count” below your name plate while entering your apartment

When you call visiting few of your friends on weekends, as “FRIENDS HOPPING” day

When you start firmly believing in “blog at first sight” rather than Love at first sight.

When you start categorizing people under three categories – Bloggers, Non-bloggers and Anonym-asses

When cleaning your room on weekends, sounds like removing free advertising Add-on’s from your blog.

When having sex at night means delay in uploading new post next morning

Behind every successful man…

2005-10-21T08:17:00.000+05:30

Such a beautiful quote…isn’t it?
Anything that has success & SRK sells these days.

So, how do you define success??
What makes a MAN successful??
Can a MAN alone achieve success, or there are always group of MEN working hard to become successful??

All these questions haunt me at times, when I look behind and try to see how much successful I’ve been since past couple of decades.

Team work is what I think, makes a person successful. Since ma engineering days, I was taught how to work in a group of people (IT Lingo: TEAM) and be part of their success. Without a hard working team, it’s not possible to laze around (that's what happens in IT industry) and point fingers at people around me, in case of project delay. Isn’t it true?

So that means, it’s a group of people that achieves success, and not an individual. I need to rephrase the quote as:

Behind every successful TEAM…there is a woman behind it.

Now I don’t understand one thing, why every successful man is related to one woman behind him?
Why she has to take the credit for his success?
And who is this woman, referred in the quote.
Forget success, I would love to meet her one day.

As of me, I’ve been achieving ma deadlines on time and am happy with ma team’s performance too. Looking at the project load and add to it, blog hopping, writing new posts and surviving tag-game, everything is met without any problem what so eva…touch wood.

Does that qualify to call myself successful, if you consider 40+hrs per week that I spend in office?
Now where is the lady who should actually be taking all ma credit?
Where is the women who will properly fit in, “Behind successful Z00nie, there is ######”

Hmmm…

My cubicle is at end of the floor, so if I look behind right now, I can see Emergency Exit door (I’m not sure whether it will work during emergency or not) and Rest room next to it. I think for me, I need to rephrase the quote to,

“Behind successful Z000nie, there is an EMERGENCY exit”

Or even better

“Behind successful Z000nie, there is a TEAM of cuties in the rest room”

Damn :(

IT ki KranTI

2005-10-18T11:38:00.000+05:30

I was walking down to finance department one fine afternoon, when I passed a cubicle to see couple of good looking chicks working on laptops. Its not that I’ve never seen a gal use laptop before, but I don’t know why, I paused for a while to have a look at once-in-life-time scene, right in front of ma eyes. However, it didn’t last for long when one of them looked in ma direction, and…do you guys expect me to tell you what kind of nasty stare I got afterwards?

When I interact with couple of female friends of mine who are working in IT, there schedule after office is:
(If they are staying away from family)

Go home.
Have a nice relaxing shower.
Spend time reading something.
Cook dinner & eat it afterwards
Organize everything in the room
Pray and goto sleep

Ladies, if your schedule doesn’t match this, please don’t spend efforts in updating me. Thanks.

Now if the office is providing them a laptop, where will this cute thingy fit in the schedule discussed above?

If you think for a while, gals don’t:

Play games (3D shooting or strategy games, which only works perfectly on office provided laptop, with high end graphics card and 3d surround sound-card)
Play Solitaire (FYI, Solitaire is not a game, it’s a program to keep yourself busy while caught in a long conference call during work. Please neva eva insult this proggie, by calling it a game.)
Make good use of DVD writer that comes attached with it (Good for making backups of all your, dad’s, grand-dad’s, pets, maids, neighbors, etc music collection)
Rip Audio CD’s and then spread it around to chicks (a very good way to become famous)
Rips DVD’s and upload it on P2P (you take it for free…you return it back too)
Watch p0rn (No further details)

I still don’t get one single reason why they need to carry a laptop and roam around, straining poor shoulder of theirs. Unless it contains some gossip about their boss or gramma’s collection of recipe which she mailed while suffering for arthritis…jeez keep it in office only.

I remember witnessing an incident few days back while I was traveling to Mumbai one weekend, and when the bus halted in Food Mall, I saw this cute chick running up and down, staring at the lappy I was carrying. After a short while, driver announced that she had lost her office laptop, so everyone please co-operate. I was about to burst in tears for her loss, when she came spoke to me, “It was very much like yours, but from IBM”

She was not even close to looking tense; tears…forget it, not even fake tears in her eyes. Which proved, that “poor thingy” just acted like one more shopping bag in her hand, which she was least bothered about. Unlike us guys, who can’t survive to fool around during the weekend, on that “poor thingy”…hehehe

Digging down further, I remember watching this old movie, “Jhaansi ki raani”, and I was totally mesmerized by the strength and courage that lady carried along with her (of course we should not forget her poor pony-turned-horse too). If you map that to our era, todays chicks are not less than Jhaansi ki rani. You make one false move, and she is going to throw that nice looking lappy (Swords, Knives, Cell Phones, Cd’s, DVD’s, Pen drives, etc are banned for safety purposes) on your head for self protection.

“IT ki KranTI”, is what I call these cute and innocent looking chicks, nowadays.

So guys, lets give a standing ovation to these beautiful species of our planet. Lemme stand on ma hands to pay slightly bigger tribute.

*ouch*

Bourne Identity...Cards

2005-10-17T00:10:00.000+05:30

“Z000nie, why do you carry this photo-card with you to office?”
“It’s required. Else we’ll not be allowed to enter office premises.”
“I wear that in school too, but mom said, this will prevent my teachers to identify me, in case I’m lost somewhere.”
“Yes. I too had one when I was of your age”
“You take care of yourself, Z000nie. Even though you carry a cell phony and photo-card with you, your mom’s still worried about you all the time.”

That was the conversation I'd with ma 9yr old cousin, few months back when he saw ma company I-card lying around somewhere in ma room.

Identity cards/Swipe cards, what ever you call it, sure are one hell of a thing, that finds place around every IT slave’s neck for whole day during office hours. We guys call it as “Mangal-sutra”, which you hafta wear like a necklace, once you marry (join) a company and show it around with a proud look.

I don’t understand people wearing it outside office premises too. Unless you are working for Microsoft, Google, or even say Oracle, dude care to remove it and keep it in the back pocket, Are you expecting any special concession on showing your I-card or what?

When I moved to my third company, where I was introduced to beautiful concept of I-cards, while the HR was busy handing me pile of forms to fill up as “formality” on my first day in office, she silently slipped a form related to Identity-card along with it. It was written in bold font on top right corner, 3 PHOTO’s required. Being a curious chap since I touched 5yr and 8 months, I was not able to hold myself from asking, “Do I need to get family photo in here?”

It took me like 10 mins and a little bit of embarrassment (which I was not able to measure accurately that time) to realize that it was impossible to hold a family of four in a small passport size photo required on the card. Jeeeez, how innocent I was during those days?

One good use of I-cards is that they can act as a good ice-breaker if you really wanna start a conversation with someone. How, I hear you ask.

I remember in ma previous company, while I got into the elevator for canteen on top floor, I spotted this elderly-bald friend of mine working in Network Administration Department, inside. Being pathetic in initiating a conversation, I didn’t know what to ask this guy. So I glanced on the cute snap on his ID and said,

“Dude, whose I-Card you carrying with you? Think you misplaced yours with someone else”
“Why do you think so?”
“Come on, check the snap in there. He is soo…hmmm…so not bald in there. Look at the amount of hair this dude is carrying on top of his head.”
“This I-card was made 12 years back when I joined this firm.”

I looked at him…looked at the shining scalp on top of his head…then looked at which floor I was suppose to jump out, before he gets motivated to turn me into a bald twin.

Anyway, lot many times (in smoking zone along with other colleagues), we're used to making fun of people from how “healthy-n-happy” they were on that snap, before joining the company. No wonder I always carry this warning on front of ma I-card, which clearly reads:

Guy in snap is much closer than he appears.

So beware, before you speak out anything, I hold all rights to punch on your face after this cute and innocent warning.

Random bubble of bizarreness

2005-10-12T04:38:00.000+05:30

Why is it all the time, “Ladies and Gentlemen…”?
Why not "Gentlewomen and Gentlemen..."?
Are ladies not gentle?
Boy, all this while I thought they are softest of all living and talking creatures on this planet.
Damn!!

Why one has to blow horn while the car is in reverse gear?
Horn is at the front, car is going in reverse.
The traffic blocking the backward movement will not even understand that horn blowing from the front is actually for them.
And on that the guy inside the car wil get pissed off and start abusing.
No wonder I dont wanna learn driving in the first case. I lose ma temper all the time on silly reasons.

In this era, when things are moving at lighter than fast speed in real life, we human beings have adopted the terminology of using abbreviations while talking. At times we don’t hesitate to club words and eat up the space in between, like say “going to” becomes “gonna”, “how do u do”, comes “howdy and “what you doing?” becomes “whaddya”

I’ll not be surprised if I hear people clubbing “forwarded email” to “female”, so the conversation will sound like:

Hey z000nie, I just sent female to you. Did you got it?
Oooo…la..laa….what a female yaar. You just made ma day.
Yes. I will keep sending more females as I don’t have any work to do right now.
Please do. I will inturn send them to ma friends. They just love my females.

If ghosts exist, that means they have there own space somewhere on this planet.
And if humans can’t see them with naked eye, can they see each other at least?
Or do they play hide-n-seek whole day-n-night?
There can’t be a single ghost right?
I’m sure they are in numbers out there.
Does that prove Ghosts mate too?
Hope someone captures them in hidden cell cam and uploads it pretty soon.

If second sentence in the above paragraph is grammatically correct, then what does “looking through a naked eye” means?
If an eye is open, its naked, it has to see something (under normal conditions) anyway.
How proper is the usage, “humans can’t see with a fully-dressed eye”?
Fully dressed??
Does that mean fake eye-lashes?
Jeeeezzz...

Talking about naked flame, just recently I came across this small warning put up by Mumbai Municipality. Check it out here.
It says:

Mahanagar GAS
No smoking
No naked Flames
Danger
High Pressure Gas

Alright, I so wanna see a “dressed up” flame. If there is a naked version, there has to be good clothed version too. Right?
English is confusing at times…

Now that warning signs have come up, I’m sure you must have come across this one:

Please don’t sit on this bench. Paint is wet.

What do you after that?
I sure go ahead and touch to see if it’s really wet or the paint has dried up. I don’t know whether this falls under normal human behavior or not, but this is me.
Now why is that?
I’m curious.
I wanna confirm that what is written on the warning sign is true or not. And yes, it’s always a different feeling to break WARNING signs. Oh yeah…believe me.
I think my kids will be proud of me one day too. I'm curious to know wht'll happen if I poke holes in ma condom while having sex with ma wife....Hmmm....

All Time Milking machines

2005-10-10T05:13:00.000+05:30

Please don’t get carried away by the title of this post. There is no milk coming out anywhere below, so don’t go eewww or even puke when you'll reach end of this post.

I’m sure I don’t have to come out with a definition of ATM’s as it has become an essential part of everyone’s life…very much like Free-MP3’s, Aquafina, Diet coke and Chick/Hunk hunting. I remember, way back in 2001, I used to get my salary as a cheque which I used to cash at end of the day, after visiting a near by bank.

Bad part was to stand in queue to get it en-cashed and even worst part was to see around 20 people standing ahead of you in the Queue (with 9 retired people who could barely stand properly).

Looking at the positive side, ever observed one thing – people working in bank are comparatively better looking than that in any other profession (exclude CALL Centre…I don’t consider it as a profession). No wonder I always enjoyed doing security audits for financial organizations; at least for few moments of your life, you get to interact with good looking people.

Anyway, whatever the reason for their beauty, I’m sure its one of the following:

Its coz they are surrounded by GREEN COLORED CASH all the time?
Its the MAHATMA GANDHI effect?
Staring at the money all day long improves your beauty
Money is anytime beautiful…people surrounded by it, by default look gorgeous.

Talking about ATM’s, lately few banks have come up with a multimedia version. In this, you don’t have to get bored while working on your “money-provider”. All activities of yours will be followed by a cute female voice, who not only has a real sweet voice, but she also talks slowly and makes a lot of sense while talking.

For example, here’s a series of activities that happens when you interact, say to withdraw cash. (Remember, to take maximum advantage of this female voice, please don’t fiddle around with the buttons while Invisible-Cute-Chick is talking)

([] - Your activities, followed by female voice)

[You enter your card in the slot]
Please enter your pin code.
[You type in your 4 digit pass code]
Thank you. Welcome to [bank name] ATM.
[You select the option “Withdraw”]
Please enter the amount you want to withdraw
[Enter the amount needed in numeric only]
Please hold on. Your transaction is getting processed.
[Cash comes out of the machine]
Please collect your cash
[Press Exit]
Please collect your card
[You pull the card outta the slot]
Thanks for visiting us. We will be pleased to meet you next time soon.

How many times in a week people visit ATM’s for withdrawing cash? 3-4 times at least.

Obviously if you are so used to, the speed at which you perform the above tasks hafta improve, right? Here’s what happened last evening when I went in the ATM. Please note, if you are fast enough with your fingers (I’ve noticed one thing, people working in IT usually operate ATM with both the hands, as if they are working on a laptop), you could make every visit on your ATM more interesting and EXCITING.

[You enter your card in the slot]
Please enter…
[You type in your 4 digit pass code]
Thank you.
[You select the option “Withdraw”]
Please enter…
[Enter the amount needed in numeric only]
Please hold…
[Cash comes out of the machine]
Please…
[Press Exit]
Please…
[You pull the card outta the slot]
Thanks for visiting us. We will be pleased to meet you next time soon.

Do I have to explicitly write down what does this sound like?
Even the temperature of 18 Deg Cel inside that tiny cell fails to help…

*Poooooffff*

No wonder I like calling ATM’s - All Time Milking machines.

What you’ll always find in Bollywood

2005-10-07T07:50:00.000+05:30

Please note while reading, HE means macho bollywood actor and SHE means cute bollywood actress in a typical hindi movie.

While traveling in a flight, there always will be a vacant seat exactly next to HER.(If there isn’t then that movie might have never hit the box office.)

If main character has a missing sibling at start of the movie, one thing’s for sure, before THE END, he will end up meeting his family (including pet’s servants, neighbors, shop keepers…)

No matter how poor SHE is, she’ll always have her makeup intact all through out the movie. (If her dad is a farmer, she will settle down for ELLE 18 & Victoria’s secret, as she can’t afford costlier brands due to her financial problems)

Love at first sight is always successful. If the eyes meet in heavily crowded bus, train or in college campus gathering or even while waiting in queue outside public toilet…it will always be followed by a song that covers the introduction. (Next 2.4 mins of the movie will be spent in honeymoon and birth of their first child)

Every happy scene (or song) sung by the main character while driving will end up with an accident which then brings twist in the story (If whole family is in the car singing the song, survivors if any will end up with a memory loss. New trend is pets (especially dog – breed Labrador black color) having long term memory loss, trying to figure out whether to bark or to meow)

Rape scene of anyone related to HIM will never be successful (DAMN @#$@#%). Dog, pigeon, snake, cat, rat, ants, butterflies, honeybees, earth worms, frogs…you name it, will come for the rescue. (Thanks to some kind deed done in past life, these innocent creatures will get to show their amazing listening skills, especially female call for help, during that time)

After a kidnap, villain will always call up to meet at old haunted place where he’ll get his a** kicked royally in front of his own guys. If at any other place, then thank yourself…you just got lucky, as there will an item number for sure.

If SHE is all good looking, sexy, naughty, flirtatious, then her dad will be old and ugly retired military guy or a professor, who is blind enough to find that his daughter is running behind trees singing songs in day light.

Shower scenes are always meant for someone to “accidentally” bump in. Obviously maid/servants/pets will have enough brains not to do such an accident and have nightmares, but HE is blind in lovbbbb.

Even if you fire 600 bullets in a row, throw bombs, hand grenades, Nuclear weapons, not even a scratch will appear on HIM. But his forth-hand rifle with 6 expired bullets are always enough to kill a bunch of people with accuracy (that too exactly at center of the forehead)

If HE prays in the temple, HIS wish will come true in next 20 mins
If HE sings alone in the temple, HIS wish will come true in next 17 mins
If HE along with a group (includes whole family) sings, wish has to come true in next 11 mins
If group singing (along with a dance number) involves family, enemies, pets and the whole town, wish will never come true. Infact, one more song will follow before THE END, in the same temple.

If SHE wears a red colored dress during the first date, two red roses will hug each other to imply a kiss.
If SHE wears a white, heavy thundering will be followed by showers and a song sequence.
If black then after the first meet, villain will pick her up, to bring twist in the story.
If SHE wears blue colored dress…what do you expect? There will be no nude scene anyway. So stop undressing her while reading this.

Turn me on....baby!!

2005-09-30T09:14:00.000+05:30

Z000nie’s Turn On’s

Romantic movies / music
Italian food
Flirting
Accent
Air hostesses (especially ones in Spice Jet and Kingfisher Airways)
Perfumes (deodorants)
Chicks with sexy fingers (red color polish and long nails)
Chicks those mimic there bosses, colleagues
Chicks in short skirts and High heels
Good sense of humor
Chick related to medical field (I don’t know why…they just turn me on)
Bikini shows (Poorman’s Bikini show on AXN ROX)
Cat fighting (meeaaaoooowwww)
Chicks with sense of good music
Barista / CCD’s / Pizza Hut
Fashion TV / TRENDS
Psycho thriller / Murder Mystery movies / CSI series
Medical Detectives
Writing emails (not forwarding)
Solving sudoku’s in the morning
Falling in love
Candle lit dinner
Real life hugs

Z000nie’s Turn Off’s

Bollywood movies
Natural bodily odor’s (I hate that stinky smell…gives me headache)
Bad breath
Farting (mysteriously silent or loud) in public or online
Traffic Jams
Chicks who don’t know how to speak properly
Chicks those look dumb from face itself
Crowded bus/train
Attitude / Egoist people (Give me a break…)

Bush effect on women in America

2005-09-30T09:08:00.000+05:30

Thanks to RM for forwarding this to me.
Greetz!!

Fashion TV – Modeling

2005-09-28T09:21:00.000+05:30

Except for STAR NEWS (my daily dose of happening in the city) and STAR WORLD (yet another daily dose of laughter), the only other channel I allow my TV to show me is, Fashion TV.

There is no harm in watching FTV I believe. I mean, I’m above 18 now and I work in IT where I’m surrounded for 40hrs a week, by not so good looking people. So before I change my mind that whole earth is full of people exactly similar like those around me, FTV acts as a nice reliever to burn downs all my myths. And moreover who doesn’t like to watch beautiful people (only female species), walking on ramp all the time. I don’t think its harm in calling this channel as a middleware (no related to swimwear) – it’s not fully decent channel & can’t be termed as p0rn too. Kind-of Semi-p0rn, you know what I mean.

If you watch FTV for like 3 hrs at a stretch, one thing that’ll notice is that these models don’t ever get tired walking for such a long time. This is something which amazes me and I’m glued to my TV set.

How do they do it?
How can they just keep walking every time I come across this channel?

It’s like you’ve come across a field of ants working hard just before arrival of monsoon season. Every time you look around, you’ll find a long queue of ants marching towards ant hill. They never get tired. Exactly, like models…they just don’t get tired walking all the time.

Sometimes I just wonder, whether concept of “Sleep walking” is derived after some model. You know, since they are so used to walking all day long, at night they might just end up kissing good night to their loved ones and instead of falling asleep, close their eyes and start walking all around the bed. “Sleep Walking”, you know.

Alright, before any fashion-model-turned-blogger even start to flame me up with series of raunchy abuses for making fun of this beautiful profession, chillax, that’s not at all my intention. Believe me its way better than working in IT as yet another slave. Infact it’s a lot better than IT industry, where I’m working in.

Even if someone dares start a channel called ITV, only thing everyone’s gonna end up watching all the time are few bunch of retards punching keys on the keyboard for 24 hrs. Exception will be for people with paid subscription, they might end up watching retards (bit good looking, wearing clean formal clothes, including clean socks) working on nice laptops.

Anyway, coming back to beautiful reality of FTV, whenever I see that cute face on my TV Screen, lot of questions just fill up my tiny little brain.

Do this cutie pie actually applied for job in this AGENCY?
How do you think modeling agencies put up AD’s in newspaper?

..::WALK-IN INTERVIEW::..
For
Internationally recognized Modeling Agency –
WALK-AWAY
In search of Intelligent, aspiring models
for upcoming assignment in SAO PAULO.
30KM of prior walking experience on ramp is a must.
Fresher’s or people with less than 100 steps of walking experience need not apply.
Salary depends on number of steps walked during WALK IN.
Language no barrier.
Intelligence negotiable.

Whatever…
Alright, now that Classifieds is covered, what about resumes?
Do models prepare their resumes too?
Boy, lot of pondering needs to be done here...right?

Name: Cynthia Nixon
Profession: Model
AGENCY worked before:

SLOW DOWN,

SLIM BEAU-T,

DIE-T.

Selling Points:

Can walk for 4.5 hrs at a stretch.

Always on diet, less consumption of eatables while on work

Ready to walk topless.

Legs shaved every morning.

No marriage plans for next 5 years.

Can cause envy within the team.

Contact number: 1-800-KISS-MY-LEGS
(Toll free till I get a stable offer, after that $5 per 30sec.)

Alright, enough of model talk coz last thing in my mind is to see FTV getting erased due to some Model-turned-blogger’s curse, as I believe the less clothes on a person, faster the chances of curse coming true.

Dont believe me...but that’s true. And it’s scientifically proved fact, which however failed to make up in Guinness Book of World Record or on Ripley’s believe it or not.

Cut, Copy & oops...Screwed up!!

2005-09-26T10:03:00.000+05:30

Last week, I was watching this “Native” American Pie on cable TV. I think movie was titled “Yeh kya ho raha hai” and with all due respect of sentiments for Bollywood movie’s, which my blog visitors carry within themselves, I’m sorry to say but this movie was so screwed up from all ends, that I wonder what kind of people actually spend money in the first place to produce such fucked up version. Don’t want to comment on people who go along with their family on Friday nights, to watch this movie. I bow in respect to their patience.

I don’t understand this concept of “inspiration”, like they say once the movie is out, “No, this is not the remake of s0-n-so Hollywood movie, but yeah, it’s certainly inspired from it”. Do writer actually sits with a notepad and a remote control, to actually pen down the Bollywood version while the original is being played or what?

Take for example a classroom sequence. I know education system followed in Hollywood is totally different that what we guys have gone through in India. Our Bollywood C&P (Copy-Paste Technology) writers don’t even think hard before mapping Hollywood movie to its desi equivalent desi.

Original Hollywood sequence:

It’s a classroom scene
Professor is trying to teach Chemistry to his students
They giggle around and this cute chick, Jennifer, sitting in one corner tries to grab attention of our chocolate hero, Andrew, who also happens to be in the same class
After the session is over, Jennifer approaches him to have a study session later in evening at his place
She drops right on time as Chemistry is more important for her.
Study starts with all passion and determination.
2 minutes later, both are in bed, with a smile coz their chemistry worked finally.
Movie continues.

Mapped version in Bollywood:

It’s a classroom scene
Professor is with a violin trying to teach Shakespeare in Love (Most popular subject in Bollywood movies)
Students are more interested in his subject and its full attendance for his lecture
Professor says, LOVE is more important in life than anything else
Guy in front row dreams about his girl-friend who is attending mathematics lecture in another class room
Guy sitting to his right, dreams about his neighbors daughter.
Guy to his left, dreams about his professor’s wife
A 15 minute song sequence follows, which contains 4 young couples including professor and his Ex-Gf.
Movie is titled MOHABBATEIN.
There is no classroom scene later in the movie. It’s assumed that everyone gets degree successfully at end of the movie.

Oh yeah, if I was paid to criticize for MOHABBATEIN, I could write pages and pages on that movie. I remember throwing one VCD outta the window as I was not able to digest whatever was shown on the screen.

Anyway, next sequence is the popular scene involving our notorious villain. No matter how much of our Script writers try, they can’t change the basic story line once villain comes into picture, because its not possible to map him properly. Check this out…

Original Hollywood sequence:

To take revenge, “bad man” kidnaps one member of hero’s family (usually his gf or any female pet he owns).
Hero is working in NYPD, so whole of NYPD force comes for his rescue.
He takes help of chopper’s and SWAT team to villains place.
Negotiations take place and they decide to fight it out like brave men.
Heavy Graphics follows with lot of sound effect and bullets fly in from all direction.
Finally she is rescued.
They both kiss each other and villain is found dead.

Mapped version in Bollywood:

Similar kidnapping takes place here but our Hero is an Ex Army man, so he is not having any privileges of Choppers or SWAT team.
On that, villain calls him on some abandoned hills where no vehicle can possibly reach
Hero however manages to reach there dot on time, with a local make of pistol that contains only 6 bullets in it.
“Bad Man” is turned on by his dedication and asks his kidnapped gf to sing a song in front of his crew
In order to rescue herself and her hero, she does an ITEM number.
After 10 mins, villain comes back to his senses only to find out that she stole all his bullets and the fighting sequence starts.
At the end of which, all 6 bullets are pumped in his chest, by our Macho dude.
Pulice arrives at the scene to do further investigation of what happened. The importance of their report is not affected by the happy ending.

Third funny sequence that comes to my mind instantly is the scene in the hospital. Oh yeah…the moment camera zooms-in on a doctor, I can make out what his dialogues will be, and how many liters of glycerin is gonna follow now.

Original Hollywood sequence:

Paramedics bring this guy who is shot in his head
Doctors run to get equipments required for operation
Doors are closed, as soon as group of doctors and good looking nurses enter the operation theater.
Family is patiently waiting outside.
2 minutes later doctor comes and say, she is dead
Mom stands up with all tears in her eyes and cries out loud, “But he was my son…”
Doctor, “Oh sorry, I was talking about some female patient. Where is her family then?”
Next doctor follows him and says, “We are able to successfully save your son. This way please.”
Everyone’s cheered up.

Mapped version in Bollywood:

Hero is wounded seriously. He has been shot multiple times in his head, fortunately no other body part is injured.
He is rushed into the hospital, when his family drops in, obviously with tears popping outta everyone.
Before closing the door of operation theater, doctor never fails to throw his famous dialogue, “Ab aapko dava ki nahi, duavo ki jarorat hai…”
Door closes, and a song sequence (for 11 minutes) follows, where whole family (including servants and pets) offer prayer’s to god, in the same hospital.
Singing (in groups) is allowed in the hospital. There is no policy against it, so no one takes any action.
Hero is saved, miraculously.
He is originally hit by bullets in his head. Doctor removes is brain tumor too, as bullets are from brand new AK-47, which has the feature of curing brain tumor automatically, if they are shot with accuracy in the head.
Hero is saved, and hopefully will recover in scene that follows.
Next scene couple is honeymooning on beaches, dancing on the tunes of funky Angrezi music.

Boy...I so enjoy watching "inspired" movies these day. Cant stop criticising them again and gain.

Anyway, can you guys think of any other screwed up Bollywood sequence??
My mind is not frozen…I’m just being lazy these days :)

Bizarre Guy lingo

2005-09-23T09:10:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Before reading, please note that this post is not written for guys with weak heart, who can’t see Male species getting spanked through words. Definitely not for guys who find pleasure in parabola and ellipse curves rather than real life “dangerous” curves. And yes, finally ladies not all guys belong to the lingo-category spoken below, there are good males who are bloggers too, so before making up your mind, please take them into consideration.)

The other day I got call from this very old friend of mine after a long time. We were out of touch and he too got shifted to a new company during this time, so it was obviously good to hear from him.

“Z000nie, how u doing? Boy, it’s been such a long time to hear from you.”
“Hey fella, how are you? I’m doing great. You tell me, how are things there? Hope you are enjoying the new environment”
“Yeah…I’m enjoying. It’s amazing here”

After those 3 sentences, there was an actual pause of 20sec on the satellite communication, and we both didn’t knew what to talk about further, when he broke the silence,

“Waaaawwww”
“Wow?? What’s wow?
“Z000nie, one call girl just crossed from outside ma lab and boy-o-boy, was she hot or what?”
“Call girl from outside your lab? You’re in office? Your office has call girls too. Damn, I’m in this industry for past 4 yrs now and I never had cute gals in ma team, forget about call-gals.”
“Hell…No. There is one call center on the upper floor. Its dinner time na, so babes are out on prowl.”
“Really, tell me more about her”

What did you’ll guessed from the above conversation?
You are so wrong if you said, I like talking to guys on cell phone. Jeeeez….no.

But yess…guys (normal ones) like talking about chicks all the time. In office, at home along with friends, while walking down the street, during smoking break, while taking meals, long distance conference calls…the only thing that goes in a minds of countless males out there is CHICKS. The other thing which we boast around is SPORTS (that includes Cricket, Soccer, Billiards Wrestling and yes of course, Chicks fighting with pillows.)

Take for example daily conversation between two guys supposedly about our last cricket test match:

“Did you saw last match in Zimbabwe? Boy, I’m so glad that we won test series after like ages now”
“Yeah, I was sipping beer in ma living room, I missed the ending though. I came to know that we won only in the morning news the other day”
“Boy, then you something really really worth watching on TV at the end of that match”
“What? The final presentation?”
“Naah. Just before the final presentation, camera zoomed into the crowd and there was this amazing gal sitting in the front row…and I think she was wearing a see through”
“Get out of here…really? I hate drinking beer. Did you record it?
“I missed that. But dude, tell you what, she was bra-less for sure”
“Damn.”

And one more conversation while in office, neck deep in a jungle of code:

“Now why am I getting this syntax error all the time?”
“Dude, relax. You are so stressed. Lemme go through your code”
“Thanks man. If not you, I don’t know…I would have punched this monitor straight away.”
“Alright, I think I got the problem. Change this into that and hmmm…done.”
“Waaw. That was fast. How did you do it?”
“Someone just mailed me pics of Carmen Electra and believe me she is one hawt-babe. You wanna check out?”
“Yes…yes…yes. I wanna improve my efficiency too…hehehe”

And finally, two retards on way to a shopping mall:

“The only thing I hate about coming out for shopping is search for parking. Why everyone has to move out at the same time as me? This is so unfair.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, check that out…12’o clock. To your 12’o clock…babe alert. Think she is searching for parking space too”
“Lemme follow her, who knows we might end up getting good glimpse or something”

I know that was sick, but it’s a reality. At times I wonder if God had not introduced SPORTS and CHICKS in this world, how our daily conversation would have been like.

In smoking zone, while in office:

“Hey, wassup?”
“Nothing great. Work is going on as always”
“Hey, heard that latest scandal of MJ”
“Yeah. Some child molestation right?”
“Yup. But heard that now he is after BART SIMPSON.”
“That cartoon character? Sh!t, he’s now molesting young boys from cartoons too?”
“Yup. He can go to any limits man. He has money, he is rich and no doubt he’s famous too.”

On a cell phone:

“Hey dude, how u doing?”
“Doing pretty well here. So what’s new at your end?”
“Go and read my blog.”
“Alright. Bye. Nice talking to you.”

Thank you Dear GOD, for everything you have provided to us GUY’s without even asking for it. I LOVE YOU.

The great Chap and Gang WAR!!

2005-09-21T09:11:00.000+05:30

"An uneasy truce was reached on Monday between Indian cricket captain Saurav Ganguly and coach Greg Chappell, with clear indication that the skipper has prevailed over the Aussie – at least in this round."

Something is not right in Indian Cricket camp. With differences in opinion between coach and a captain is clear sign of a disaster on the team under them. What must have happened between Chappell and Ganguly?

No matter what, I strongly believe “Truth is out there…somewhere”

However, the conversation that lead to this cold war is given below:

One fine Sunday morning, on the practice session in the field, coach is busy working on the statistics when Ganguly drops in.
Gangs: Hey dude, what’s up?
Chaps: I’m not a dude any more. I’m your coach now. I left playing professional cricket long time back, you remember.
Gangs: Jeez, what’s the difference?
Chaps: I DON’T PLAY CRICKET ANYMORE. Call me Coach or hmmmm…Chappell…or even Chaps will do.
Gangs: Alright…alright. So wassup Chaps?
Chaps: Nothing much. I was just going through team’s performance during past few months and sorry to say, but it seems like no one is interested in playing cricket anymore.
Gangs: Really? Including me?
Chaps: Your stats are the worst. You have not reached double figure average for like an year now. I wonder why the hell you are captain in the first case.
Gangs: What does that mean?
Chaps: It speaks out loud in itself; you need to improve your performance.
Gangs: Hmmmm…Also its been a long time team has won any finals. Its been ages I haven’t removed my t-shirt and showed my cleanly shaved chest to the media.
Chaps: I saw that video and that was embarrassing.
Gangs: But I was cleanly shaved that time. You were embarrassed to see ma chest?
Chaps: I was embarrassed to see you wave your t-shirt like that. No professional does that.
Gangs: Hmmmm…
Chaps: England’s Andrew Flintoff did something like that and he was suspended for a month.
Gangs: Really?
Chaps: Oh yeah. I hope you don’t start removing your trousers out of excitement later in future. You might get suspended too. Hehehe…
Gangs: Do you mean I might get suspended for that incident?
Chaps: Yeah.
Gangs: So you are trying to say that I will have to sit outside the team for one whole month doing advertisement and all.
Chaps: Very much...

Next day, Ganguly calls up media and repeats the last sentence with a lil bit of modification:

"Chappell wants me to step down from Captain-ship and give up cricket for one whole month."

Indifferences between a Coach, Captain and the team will always lead to poor performance of team India. It’s like you are working on a project with an uneasy feeling towards your project manager.
Result?
In front of him you’ll always nod your head, but from inside you will always be abusing him, which is ultimately going to affect your performance.

Is it some sort of GAME being played here by Ganguly with the media now at the cost of new coach??
He already had a poor performance for past couple of years and he knew anytime he was going to be thrown out. So in order to divert attention from his kick-on-the-butt, he might have diverted those kicks on his coach butt now. Remember SARS attack while IRAQ war was going on??

Smart guy…I must say. I’m talking about Ganguly here :)

Anyway, its not hard to imagine what those poor 11 guys in the so-called Indian team are going through right now.

Sachin Tendulkar
SAHARA, HERO HONDA, SONATA, Preetam Chai,
Hmmm…
My sponsor’s have reduced since I’m on medical leave. Idiots they don’t understand that I’m on leave for making more Ad’s, not for any treatment.

Sourav Ganguly
Removing trousers and waving it after the win…
Hmmm…
Not a bad idea. Might attract ROOPA / LUX underwear and baniyan Ad’s to me

Rahul Dravid
Batsman…bowler…wicket keeper…vice captain…captain…
I’m the only guy who has experience of every position on the field. Need to send my resume to Australian Cricket Board as all rounder. I can’t see my future here in Indian Team now.

Virendar Sehwagh
They will select me
They will NOT select me
They will select me
They will NOT select me
They will select me
They will NOT select me...
*DOH*

Harbhajan Singh
It’s high time to start thinking about an alternate profession looking at the way whole ship is moving. I might get kicked out anytime and after that what? I don’t even get Ad’s so that I can rely on them. Time to think about ma own music video…
Oyeee, tunak tunak tun…tunak tunak tun…tara rara

What you’ll never appreciate to hear...

2005-09-19T10:15:00.000+05:30

In a cemetery
“Which direction is rest room dude?”

In a restaurant’s kitchen
“Damn, that was HOT. My hubby’s out on trip…what say we repeat it again tonight? Don't forget to bring these carrots along with you, okie?”

In flight just before take off
“Announce for delay, d!ck head. I think I left flight keys in my hotel”

In DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
“Is my husband desperate too?”

On Valentines Day
“Will you be my valentine? I want to celebrate Children’s Day with our children"

In Cinema hall, from teen couple sitting next to you
“When are we supposed to start our action?”

In a crowded bus
“Hope that conductor is not a pick pocketer”

In a museum
“So what’s new in here?”

In shopping mall
“Special discount for Shop lifters on Thanks giving: All CCTV’s will be turned off for maintenance for an hr on Sunday evening. Hope for your best of co-operation.”

On your first date
“Let’s wrap this up before 6pm. I have another date after this”

In blog-o-sphere
“Dude, are you Anonym-ass?”

Can you guys think of something else....
My brain has just frozen for past 2 days.....

Deewar – Mighty Blogger version

2005-09-16T10:04:00.000+05:30

Last night when I reached back to ma hotel late night at around 1130, I was kinda pissed off with the day’s activities. Only thing in ma mind was to have dinner and pray to fall asleep soon, before I start upsetting myself. The only reliever was the "idiot" box, as I waited for dinner to get served.

While surfing channels I stumbled on SET MAX, and wallaah…wallaah, I saw a movie with a familiar scene going on. It didn’t took me long (hardly 13 mins) to realize that it was DEEWAR, yes starring BigB, Shashi Kapoor and ma all time favorite Nirupama Roy. I don’t think anyone will appreciate to hear if I say that I haven’t seen this movie from start to end, though I am aware of popular scenes of DEEWAR.

So Z000nie, what’s this post gotta do with DEEWAR, I hear you ask. Why not to think about the BLOGGER version of this movie right? Alright, you don’t have to think hard about it, I’ve already thunk and here it goes…

Scene 1: Vijay (played by BigB) is negotiating with few Builders

Builder: Ek baat kahoon Vijayji. Aapko business karna nahi aata. Aapne ghaate ka sauda kiya, agar aap is building ki kimat pachees laakh bhi maangte toh bhi main aapko de deta.
Vijay: Ghaate ka sauda toh aapne kiya hai chandni seth. Agar aap mujhse dus laakh aur bhi maangte toh bhi main aapko khushi khushi de deta. Aaj se bees baras pehle jab yeh building bann rahi thi, tab meri maan ne yahise aapni blogging life ki shuruvat ki thi. Aaj yeh building main use tohfe mein dena chahta hoon on her finishing 40 yrs in blog-o-sphere.

Scene 2: With all excitement Vijay enters his apartment only to find his brother (Ravi) and mom (MAA), waiting for him.

Vijay: Ravi, tum yaha
Ravi: Haan

Pause

Ravi: Bhai aaj mujhe department se ek list di gayi hai, jisme is shahar ke tamam Smugglers, Drug dealers and Anonym-Asses ke naam hai. Usme se ek naam tumhara bhi hai
Vijay: Lekin main smuggling nahi karta. And I don’t sell drugs either dude.
Ravi: Bhai, iska matlab hai ki tum Anonym-Ass ho.
Vijay: I don’t get what you are talking brother.

Pause. (Meanwhile pyari MAA starts to warm up for her emotional attack)

Ravi: Bhai, is paper pein sign kar do
Vijay: Kya hai isme
Ravi: Isme likha hai ki tum, pulice ke saath ko-operate karoge and will help them in hunting down remaining Anonym-Asses. Mujhe ispein tumhari sign chahiye
Vijay: Ravi, tumhe yaad hai, bachpan mein humne kitni raatein blog hopping karte huan bitayi hai
Ravi: Bhai tum sign karte ho ya nahi.
Vijay: Tumhe yaad hai kitni baar maa ne humare liye nayi blog templates design ki hai, with new URL’s registered on our name.
Ravi: Bhai tum sign karte ho ya nahi.
Vijay: Kitni baar humne Sh!tty comments delete ki hai
Ravi (yells at top of his voice): Bhai tum sign karte ho ya nahi.
Vijay: Haan main sign karoonga…lekin akele mein nahi. Jaao uska sign leke aao jisne mere blogger-baap se sign li thi. Jaake uska sign leke aao jisne meri maa ko Blouse-wife keh ke gaali di thi. Jaake uska sign leke aao, jisne mere haath pein yeh likh diya tha. “Mera baap Anonym-Ass hai”

MAA is geared up with all her tears rolling outta her eyes. Tear attack begins...

MAA: Vijay, Kuch bhi ho lekin sachchai kabhi bhi chupai nahi ja sakti. I’ve myself seen your comments with stupid English using those fake ID’s on many blogs that I hop. Main yeh ghar chod ke jaaa rahi hoon.
Vijay: Maa you can’t just leave me like this
MAA: Woh aadmi kaun tha jisne tumhari blogger-baap se sign li thi. Woh kaun tha jisne mujhe Blouse-wife kehke gaali di thi. Who aadmi kaun tha jisne tere baap ko Anonym-Ass kaha tha. Lekin tu toh mera aapna beta tha…aapna khooon.
Vijay (tries his best to emotionally black mail her): MAA, yeh bangla yeh gaadi sub maine tumhare liye he khareede hai. And now I’ve purchased the building from which you started your blogging career too. I even got 1000 unreleased templates with them free as early bird offer. And you’ve decided to leave me now.
MAA: Vijay, tu toh bada saudagar ho gaya hai re. Lekin itna bada saudagar nahi ho ki apni maa ko khareed sake. And for your kind information I’ve given up blogging long time back now. Chal Ravi.

___
Bizarre part of ma brain...now can't wait to write Blogger version of SHOLAY.

“Ad” kiya toh darna kya…

2005-09-14T09:13:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Explicit material. Reader discretion advised.)

Few days back while surfing through late night NEWS Channel, I came across this upcoming news about Shah Rukh Khan’s (SRK) new advertisement on bathing soap. He’ll be seen in a bath tub, of course, taking a shower while promoting LUX beauty soap. I’m sorry to say but, I was really not interested to watch that ad on STAR NEWS that night, coz I was in the mood of watching something good to have sweet dreams…guy bathing in a tub…Jeeeezzzz.

Like many other normal guys of my age, I grew up watching and fantasizing about Sridevi, Madhuri Dixit, Juhi Chawala, Katrina Kaif, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra and many other super models (mind you…name of model is not important to remember while they are in shower) promoting bathing / toilet soaps in past. To watch SRK, was nothing less than a nightmare, no matter how much dedicated efforts were put behind removing bodily hairs to give a feminine look.

Every new (& bold) move by any Bollywood actor creates ripple effect in the industry. Take for eg: Aamir’s “Khandala” song created ripple and very soon we saw Salman, Sanjay, Amrish and many other actors (few appreciated being anonymous, reason untold) playing around with their voice. I will not be surprised if in future, actors start getting bold and jump into the bath tub…nooo…nooo, not with SRK, but for different product.

Below is the list of AD’s waiting to hit small screen in coming few days. (Word of caution: Reading material below is not for immature Eye-balls):

Salman Khan will be seen promoting Panties (excluding crotch-less) under the banner of Victoria’s Secret Lingerie, with whom he is rumored to have signed a contract for Beachwear’s and Bra’s too. All products promoted by him will carry “SK” written on the elastic band in small font. This Ad will show him doing a 3 min catwalk on the ramp, topless and wearing Lingerie along with Naomi Campbell (chillax…she is not topless), on the tunes of, “Ooodh le Panties…mere naam ki. Chahe duniya jo hi samajhe hum ko karma kya…Adddd kiya toh darna kya…”

Macho Man and Punjab Da Puttar, Sunny Deol feels challenged by this change in trend and he also decides to jump into AD scene. He will soon be seen promoting ad for Baby Napkins. HUGGIES, maker of excellent and comfortable napkins have signed 2 year contract (coz babies don’t wear HUGGIES after 2 years) with him. In this ad Sunny will be playing around with his kid, changing napkins to show how easy it is for newly turned daddies. In the end of this 2.5 min AD, he’ll end up with HUGGIES in one hand and smile on his face saying, “Khoob jamega rang…jab mil baithenge teen yaaar…aap, main aur aapka HUGGIES”

SRK will also promote popular utensil cleaning soap, VIM BAR. When asked the reason to sign up for this product, he replied with a smile, “Gauri wants me to help her in kitchen while she is cooking my favorite dish for dinner. As I don’t know how to cook, I usually end up washing dishes…so signed up for VIM BAR”. In this AD, plot is taken from his famous movie DEVDAS. Here SRK is shown frustrated coz washing utensils has affected his 10-finger hands and he turns in to a drunkard. Suddenly, VIM BAR comes for his rescue and he ends up saying, “Arreey, Paaro ki yaad ko bhoolane ke liye DEVDAS ke paas hai BEER BAR and now this VIM BAR, jo chamkaye aapke har bartan ko bar bar…lagatar!!”

Bobby Deol signs up with KEO KARPIN Hair oil for this new hair-oil launched in the market only for males (females don’t come under this category). This special oil is for removing dandruff from lower part of the body, not much lower and not much upper too. Bobby will be seen in bath tub, where he shows this Bottle of Hair Oil and says with a cute smile, “Aapke BALL ho ya Bobby ke BALL, Keo Karpin Hair oil rakhe sabke BALLO ka khayal”

Help has finally arrived in New Orleans

2005-09-14T09:08:00.000+05:30

Thanks to RN for sharing this image with me.

Bubble of Bizarreness...continues

2005-09-12T09:33:00.000+05:30

Why do culprits hide their face from the media after getting caught?
I don’t understand…you did a shameful act and you knew the consequences of it too. Now when you are caught, is there any point in covering your face? Infact, people who were your victims should be dong that coz they were fooled by you…right?

Why I never enjoyed watching quiz-show Kaun Banega Crorepati – 2?
First I don’t understand the concept of earning “easy” money, by solving quiz’s of course. It makes me feel as if I’m doing donkey work for 40+hrs a week.
Second I don’t like things that come up with lot of hype. I hate popularity and popular people. No wonder my profile also says…I’m a simple guy and blah blah blah
And finally I don’t appreciate watching people enjoy earning money on my expense. Yes I’m paying for Cable TV rent, Power (to keep my TV, fan, etc. working), pop-corn and burning down my precious brain cells. I dislike making my cells work while watching Quiz Show. Jeeeeeez…“Idiot box” is meant for entertainment, not to use brains.

The other day I was watching India v/s NZ and can’t stop noticing this small SMS Quiz displayed at bottom of the screen, which said:
Who’s going to win Man of Match award?

Ganguly
Tendulkar
Kaif

SMS your options to 8080 and win attractive prize!!
Now, what kind of guys will reach out for their cell in middle of the match, think of correct option, punch option on his cell and then click send?
Looking at the way few punks irritate with their cells while watching movie in a theater, I will not be surprised if Theater owners too come out with something similar.
Who is the biggest loser in this theater?

Person to your right
Person to your left
You yourself

SMS your option before end of this movie and win tickets for following show.

MANGAL PANDEY, released few days back, was yet another movie in Bollywood which reflected Indian history. Thanks to our movie industry for making us aware of unspoken hero’s who never failed to make India proud from there great deed. Who knew Bhuwan from LAGAAN, before this movie hit into OSCARS? I don’t know anyone was even interested to know about a poor villager named Mr. BHUWAN.

One noticeable thing however was that both these hero’s carried a colorful romantic history too. Oh yeah…*DROOL*

Thanks to our Bollywood directors for adding “spice” to the movie. I so wish my history books had such elements during school days; I never would have felt bored reading Social Studies as a subject. Now I’m patiently waiting for remake of GANDHI. Wonder who will do item song in that movie.

Here in Delhi, one thing I cant stop noticing is that every:

Black color car has beautiful babe sitting in the front seat.
White color car has a guy in turban (Sardar) listening to angrezi music in full volume.
Blue color car has a good looking USA, chatting with her mother-in-law in back seat.

(Btw, USA = Un Satisfied Aunty)

Every Hindi movie starts with a TITLE in English.
Why?
Do they wanna check at start of the movie itself whether audience is literate or not.
We never see Movie Title in HINDI in any movie released in Hollywood...right?
Damn, Indians still can’t get over the slavery from which they got Independence long time back.

Newspapers carry a life span of 1 day.
I strongly believe that if they start in the morning with a cost of say 4 bucks then by afternoon price should reduce to Rs.2 and at night they should be distributed free of cost. It’s anyway no use to charge 4 bucks for a newspaper at EOD. What say?

If threesome means, group of 3 people having sex, can a sex between a couple called as twosome?
That implicitly defines what onesome will be then.
Hmmm…

Blogger Lingo (Part III): Old is 'B'old

2005-09-09T09:03:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Explicit material. Reader discretion advised.)

After release of Part I and Part II of Blogger Lingo (and a related post Confessions of a Psyho killer), which actually is an imaginary conversation between two blogger entities, Turtle D!ck(TD) and Lemon Rice(LR), here comes the much awaited concluding part of the series. I hope you guys enjoy it reading, as much as I enjoyed punching in.

TD and LR are breathing there final stage of survival in a retirement home. Yes…after there innocent-turned-blogger kids thought it was high time for them to move outta Blog-a-vila and see the beauty of the world outside. Also, they never wanted their own kids to know anything about blogging, especially not from there crazy grannies.

Here’s a small conversation captured from there daily life, in a small room, of course without any computer & Internet.

TD: Weather seems to be awesome outside, what say lemony?
LR: Yeah. All these blog years of ours, we never bothered to appreciate beautiful nature around us. Infact I don’t even remember where and how many windows we had in our own Blog-E-Villa. Do you remember anything, sweetie?
TD: Oh yeah. I remember clearly. How can I forget it, hun? After that raid on my office by Microsoft guys for licensing, I decided to get authentic license of the Operating System before they could even think of busting my a**. Infact I jumped out of the window when they came searching for WINDOWS. Hehehehe. After this incident, I remember installing 3 licenses at home myself. Compose (one of his kid) seldom blogged, so he used pirated copy.
LR: OH GOD!! Turtle Sweetie, I’m not talking about that WINDOWS. I’m talking about…
TD: Oh ok. Now I got it. You’re talking about that bug-free one, right? Yes…I’d asked the architect to keep 5 windows in ma room, but hmmmm…I too never noticed it. But I clearly remember most of the blog URL’s I used to visit. Infact, I even remember that Psycho killer’s blog address.
LR: Are you talking about Ned Blondy hun, whom I caught while he was about to delete both of us from this world?

TD: Yup…yup, I’m talking about that jerk. window-without-glass.blogspot.com

LR: Forget about him turtle-pie. He is doing community service now by washing windows with glasses of every bungalow in Blog-field.
TD: Hehehe…Good for him.

General talk about here and there…
And after few mins.

TD: I’ve small confession to make, Lemony.
LR: Confession? What confession? Don’t tell me you had a secret blog running without me knowing about it. Or…or…Wait a sec, do you used to wash windows too?
TD: Hmmm…no no…nothing like that…but…
LR: But what Turtle?
TD: I had a blog affair with a Chinese blogger and now…
LR: OH MY GOD! You cheated on me in Blog-o-sphere

Pause for 5.6 mins.

LR: And now what? What else is remaining for me to hear at this age?
TD: We even adopted a kid, who is with her in China right now. But don’t worry Lemony, we have decided to raise him as a non-blogger kid. We are going to keep him away from BLOG-field.
LR: But how you can even think of having an affair…and then a kid…when you were pretty much aware of your good and loving wife who always used to comment first in each and every post of yours. And that too in every fcuking blog you owned. Damn, now even I’m too old to start an online affair.
TD: I’m sorry Lemony. It just happened. Remember, there were times when your fingers used to give up after retiring to bed and I had to sleep without having, you know…
LR: Yes I clearly remember this. But that was a genuine reason. I used to be so tired after my blog hopping and writing posts…
TD: I know. But all this forced me to visit pirated blogs and one day I stumbled on, me-chick-you-lick.blogspot.com owned by this babe from China.
LR: I’m shocked…I’m so shocked right now.
TD: I know what I did was wrong, but at least I told you about it before you get to hear from someone else.
LR: Hmmm…

Silence for 9 mins...

TD: Love you lemony.
LR: Go to hell.
TD: Let’s go for dinner then?
LR: Alright…I’m not sharing my fake teeth with you tonight. Hehehe.

After dinner, both oldies decide to have a good sleep in there retirement home and call it a day, when.
TD: Lemony, you awake.
LR: Hmmm…yeah. What happened?
TD: Now that you have given up blogging can we have…
LR: What? At this age?
TD: Why can’t we? Let’s have oral
LR: Alright
TD: Fcuk you!
LR: Fcuk you back.

Pause for 4 mins…

TD: Ouch…
LR: What happened turtle?
TD: Think my test!cles just popped out somewhere.
LR: I told you thousand times not to fool around at this age. Google it in the morning. Now go to sleep. Good night.

Intelligent Q’s I never get tired listening to...

2005-09-07T09:44:00.000+05:30

After a freaking wait for the elevator on top floor of the building, as you get inside, someone enters the elevator after you and politely asks,
“Is this going down?”

Dude, unless I have super-duper-magical powers to take this on the terrace, I think this fcuking thing has to travel down, right?

“Z000n first thing you gonna do this weekend is, having a haircut. You look like a junglee”
Yes mom…and Z000n is waiting at the barbers shop on one Sunday morning when one of his fellow retard friend enters and never fails to show his overflowing intelligence by asking,
“Hey Z000nie!! What you doing here man? Came for haircut kya?”

I don’t know whether my barber knows how to sprinkle water and grow hairs too, else I would have loved to see em grow on top of ma skull.

Public toilets are a relief when you are a hard-core addict of having Diet Coke in one hand whenever you travel out in eve. I wonder how anyone can ask,
“Z000nie boy, came here for leak haan?”

No one comes in public toilet to smell the fragrance, do they? Atleast, not me...my fellow retard buddy.

iPAQ has already provoked people(Delhi chicks…please take the initiative) in Delhi to start conversation with me, I don’t know…its not that popular it seems. I never get tired listening to:
“Is that a cell phone? This big?”
“Are you carrying two wallets with you? What’s this in your hand then?”

My client being a part of National Security, no wonder it’s a highly secure area with ARMY Guys with machine guns in there hands. The other day I was having my Sandwich in canteen with ma cell next to the cold drink, when one guy came running from the adjacent table,
“Is this a digi-cam? Is this a digi-cam? They are not allowed inside this building.”

Dude, relax, no need to put those oily fingers on ma baby. No this is not a Digi-cam, it’s a fcuking cell phone.

The other day I went in this hotel and thought of having chicken biryani. It’s a classic Indian Mogul celebratory rice dish. Now after enjoy this tasty dish, how much you will appreciate having following conversation:
“Sir, you done with the meal”
“Yes…please bring the cheque”
“Anything else sir…rice or something”

Rice? I just had biryani, why will I go for rice again? Brother, keep those god-gifted black-n-white buttons on top of your skull open while serving your customers.

Interview Blues

2005-09-05T09:05:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Read this post at your own risk. It compliments (most of it) to McGraw Hills: “How to appear for an Interview and achieve success” book. If you really want to achieve success, pick up tips from that book and not from this blog. Enjoy reading at your own risk!!)

Oh yeah!! Don’t remind me of this term “interview” coz I know I’d screwed up in past quite many times. My first interview was through Campus for AMDOCS soon after my third year of engg. Within a week I had offer letter to join the firm in Cyprus, after completing my degree.

But, GOD never wanted me to work on COBOL it seems, so I was left unemployed for 4 months after graduation. During these period I realize what life is like for an unemployed graduate when he returns back home after a fcuking interview. No wonder I started working for underground from home itself to relieve my frustration. Yes, I joined reverse-engineers group and was planning to code my own virus / worm, just to understand the dark side of it and fool around, if possible. (Hint: Effect of MATRIX)

I remember visiting a company, FT-INDIA in Vile Parle one evening with a friend of mine. This was my second interview after AMDOCS and I was told that first day will be HR for 15 mins and technical round was going to be held the following day.

“Sir, it’s your turn now. Go left from here and enter the first cabin. Your interview will be held there.”
“Alright”, I said to office boy and was pretty excited. I knew HR was going to be just a formality, so nothing to worry about.

My first question was,
“Can you write down code in C++ for Bucket Sort Algorithm?”
I looked at him with a surprised look and said, “Is this part of HR interview?”
“Jeez, this is a technical round. HR round is always after technical”
Oh boy, I was so screwed. I was not even prepared properly.
“Oh okie.”

Forty five mins later I found out that he was Director of the company and I was not able to make any impression on him. I still get nightmare thinking about the over-confidence I carried with me that day.

I thought of blogging down this 4 yr old incident bcoz just two days back I was interviewing candidates for my Delhi office. Yes I was in the same position sometime. I know how difficult it is to face questions and how much it hurts to get a rejection.

So how does it feel now when you know you carry the power of giving nightmares to others?
Naaah…never enjoyed giving night mares. I know it’s embarrassing to get screwed up and it might even affect future plans of appearing for any interviews. My colleague from previous company once laughed at me, saying “Z000n doesn’t know how to reject people. Is he gonna hire everyone he interviews?”

However, I do enjoy bouncing back on people carrying attitude or who try to act over-smart…like the one I interviewed in my previous company for forensics position. Oh boy, I’m sure he never would have applied for cyber-crime again in future.

Alright Z000nie boy, now provide us some good tips too.

First and foremost, always go to interview wearing simple formal clothes. If asked, why you wearing bathroom-slippers and not shoes, proudly reply back: “I’m here for a job, not to show my fancy designer shoes. I need money and I’ll work hard for it”. Take this offer letter will be the reply…wanna bet my glow-in-dark butt on it?
Never get fascinated by the location where your interview is being conducted, unless it’s the actual office. Everywhere it’s the same concept of fancy demos at start and screwed up end product later on. I’m not sure how AMDOCS really is (I don’t want to comment and hurt my friends working in AMDOCS-PUNE either), but my interview was in THE LEELA hotel, which made me drool for 3 hrs of my stay there.
Carry a hard copy of resume along with you for interview. Tips for resume: Big font, funky colors, jazzy bullets, paragraph settings should be 2 or more and resume should compete with pages in Sunday Times. (i.e. around 30 plus)
Always end your reply with a question asking for interviewer’s opinion. This will let you know how smart he actually is. Questions like, “Don’t you think so?”, “I’m sure its this way, what do you think?”, “I’ve tried this myself, what about you? I’m sure you must have”
Try to bring this amazing word while replying back, PARADIGM. No don’t refer to the dictionary, just push this in one or two sentences. It kindda creates good impression.
No matter which interview you plan to appear, carry a huge word list along with you. Throw those BIG BIG words/jargons (which only look good in BARRONS GRE WORD LIST) on the guy asking you questions. If not a techie, I’m sure you’ll end up getting a Technical Writers position for sure.
If the interview is being taken by an opposite sex, try to flatter. It works. I remember just recently giving interview for a company and this lady introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Manisha and I’ll be taking you this round of interview”. I immediately replied back, “Woowww. Manisha. That’s such a sweet name” even though we both were totally aware it’s a very common name here in India. Nothing sweet as such.(Guys, relax...I was not hitting on her…she was married)
Never say I DON’T KNOW. You know everything; it’s just that he asked you right question at the wrong time. Cook up something and provide an alternative reply. I never appreciate people saying I don’t know; it makes me feel they are dumb.
Try to reply back in as detail as possible. No one has time to listen to you for more than 30sec for each question. Why not play around with this limitation.
If telephonic interview, make maximum use of, “Sir, I can’t hear you. Can you please repeat the question again?” It works most of the time and you get “extra” time to think about the reply. I remember trying this trick during my telephonic interview for McAfee-Santa Clara.
Finally when asked, how would you feel working for our company, don’t start a speech. Be modest. “It’ll be just like any another company, but I’ll get your brand name.” That’s it short and sweet. The last guy I interviewed said, “I would love to work for your company. It’s ISO, CMMI Level 5, SIX SIGMA. What more can I ask for. I don’t have any plans to leave this once I get the offer. I will work as a family and blah blah blah.” Cut the crap dude!!

Word verification

2005-09-05T09:00:00.000+05:30

Blogger word verification is funny at times :)

News that will never go public

2005-09-02T09:23:00.000+05:30

(WARNING: This post is not intended to hurt sentiments of any blog visitors from India or anywhere around the globe. If I had, knowingly or unknowingly, kindly accept my apologies in advance. Special greetz to K000kie-Masta - for being an Inspiration towards every post I come up with and Minnie Mau - for being an absolute sweet-heart)

Filmfare came with a center page poster of Salman Khan wearing traditional Indian dress. Yes…for the first time in past 6 years he didn’t appeared top less in a magazine. This sudden change in Salman’s behavior was a punch-on-face to his modeling agency, VICTORIA’s Hidden Secret, for whom he modeled for past 6 yrs. It was reported that this contract was closed down after agency found out Salman’s illegal contacts with under ground models, which directly violated the signed agreement.

Uttar Pradesh Times was finally out with a colorful issue on one Sunday morning. Headlines all over talked about the literacy rating given by Educational Board of Department after 6 years of count-down and analysis. 102% of literacy was a record in itself. Though the actual literacy count was still 62%, however, thanks to NRI’s settled down in various parts of UP, who had International breeds of pets (who by default come under the category of being literate) at home, which covered rest of the 40%.

Pune Times reported about a gossip that existed for quite sometime in the Indian film industry. Yup, Bollywood has finally decided to come out with a remake of Hollywood Box office hit – STAR WARS, titled “Sitaro KI Ladai” - First ever Cyber Flick in Hindi. The story revolves around an Indian astronaut falling in love with his co-pilot while on way to save earth from killer meteorite KARMA-SUDON. All 10 songs in this movie were shot on MARS in exotic locations available for Bollywood crew. Appreciated improvement is Indian director’s twist in the story where he introduces a new concept of female alien, keeping the tradition of LOVE triangle intact.

Ekta Kapoor and all her SOAPS are kicked out of STAR PLUS channel after people stormed its offices due to unlimited Prime Time torture. In response, serial-tycoon Ekta has announced launch of her own private channel, TEAR PLUS, which will be available to all ASIA and UK viewers from next month onwards. Her channel will broadcast Ekta’s serials for 24 hours with addition of following upcoming shows (tears guaranteed):

I’m guy, I can cry
Me, My kids, My grand kids, My grand grand kids, My…
Vixen’s don’t wear bra
My great gramma never dies
And many more…(no this is not the title of any show)

Mumbai municipality is requesting each and every citizen to apply for birth certificate of every infant born to a couple, in order to maintain count of & control on Indian Population. Also, it’s now mandatory to register a blog URL for each new born baby within 10 mins of breathing in this world, as URL’s are fast filling out like hot pan cakes. Failing which, no admission will be granted to the kid in any government or public schools.

Taking into consideration problems in each and every release of its operating system, Windows (and its buggy built-in applications), Microsoft founder Bill Gates has decided to quit his own company. He will be moving to India in order to find meaning of his bug-free life by visiting Holy places, chanting HARE RAMA, HARE KRSNA and HARE WINDOWS to achieve peace of mind. His VISA is under scrutiny by Indian Embassy at this moment. Word of caution to all Indians, guy standing next to you in ORANGE clothes with a saintly look on his face can be our own Bill-baba…so treat all saints with respect from now on.

Microsoft and arch rival, Google finally tied hands in developing a robust and bug free operating system named GOONDAS (inspired from Google & WINDOWS), due release in another 3 yrs from now. This new OS will be available for free download but only on invitation basis. Both the software giants have promised to provide all GOONDAS users with online space of 40GB (and increasing) required for installation and it will also store user critical information, which will in turn prevent it from getting hacked or tampered.

Bush finally announced the solution for increasing problem in Economy of his country by introducing a new slogan in his IMPROVE ECONOMY Policy, “I trim my bush…I don’t off shore it”. Yes…generating revenue by cheap labor from third world countries (including India, Pakistan, Iraq and China) has been totally stopped and American’s are asked to do there own job by there own hands. This also greatly solves unemployment problems and prevents critical data from traveling outside US boundaries.

Sydney’s leading newspaper carried headlines of a local resident blogger SAKSHI, announcing her retirement from blog-o-sphere. Sakshi, an avid blogger grew up in small town of Sydney, Australia and first words that came out from her mouth, (after of course waaa…waaa.., mommy and daddy), was Blaawwwwg. Our correspondent had an up-close and personal interview with this blogger where she told about her stay of around 30 yrs that carried around 30,000+ posts, most of which carried comments more than 200 everyday, which clearly talks about her popularity. Her motto of life, which she later reveled only to us was, “Eat BLOG, Sleep BLOG…but drink only BLOG-o-cola”.

Honest Girl!!

2005-09-02T09:20:00.000+05:30

Thanks to MG for forwarding this to me.

Things that can drive a Sane Blogger Insane

2005-08-31T09:10:00.000+05:30

It’s your new-post-on-my-blog day and internet is down.
“B” & “G” keys on your keyboard give up at start of the day in office.
You make a post and find out all fellow bloggers are back to work.
Your template gets screwed up, just because you wanted to add that funky Chat-box or NEO Counter or even HALO Scan comments.
Your topless snap that you wanted to share with your GF, accidentally gets linked to your blog profile.
You are called for meeting, the moment you’re hit with a brilliant idea to blog down.
While blog-flirting from office, your boss appears out of thin air and stares at your computer screen from behind your back.
You then find out, your appraisal is due for release next week.
Office Administrator mails everyone list of popular sites blocked from viewing using company internet and yours is in TOP 5 among all other P0rn and MP3 sites.
You are then left to provide answer to questions like, “Is your blog really a P0rn site?” and “Do you post erotic stories on this blog thingy of yours?” from everyone who know you in the office. Yes, including that fcuking Janitor.
You come up with an excellent topic to blog, a chick crosses your cubicle, you drool for a while and congrats…you just lost track of what you’d thought of.
Add to this bad luck, that chick too disappears from the office.
As you blog-hop, you stumble on your ex’s blog where she is already hooked up with someone.
That someone you later find out is one of your old friends, whose blog-hit is just 1.5 per day.
Your popularity is measured in terms of visitor’s count.
People are more interested in knowing your blog address rather than your tel. no. and email-ID.
Your boss asks whether to put down Blog URL on business card.
“I’m tired today” is always taken up by your friends as “He just made 378 blog hops today”
While filling out new application form, under SEX category you insanely search for BLOGGER check box, next to MALE and FEMALE.
Chick you almost drooled all your single-life and wished to start Friend-ship…or even Love-ship with one day, approach you and say, “I need your BLOG-SHIP”
You go on a date, screw it up totally and while leaving she says, “Are you gonna blog this meeting? Please don’t…”
On your 30th birthday, you receive 30 Orange colored T-shirts saying “I BLOG” as gifts.
On your first wedding Anniversary, you get 61 copies of KAMA-SUTRA with an attached note, “Give up blogging and spice up your sex life”.
While waiting anxiously to know whether you turned daddy, a nurse walks by to break the news, “Congrats, you just got twin posts to write now”
Your kid starts writing essay on, “How to tolerate blogger dad?” of course with your intelligent inputs.
And finally, “Honey” coming out of your sexy wife’s sweet mouth, changes to “Boney”.

I think these are more than enough reasons to turn any blogger insane.
Can you guys think of anything else?

Titanic never sailed for me

2005-08-29T10:00:00.000+05:30

Bro was pretty excited when he came back home after watching TITANIC movie in theater. I never understood what’s so special in watching a story based on a ship sinking at end of the movie. Then slowly I got reviews of Kate dropping her robe and few more sensual kissing scenes for which guys were desperately buying movie tickets, renting VCD’s and what not.

Ultimately one day, we both saved enough from our pocket-money to purchase our own pirated VCD of TITANIC (my first movie in the collection, cost 375 bucks) and plans were to watch it on my newly purchased computer at home. The only hindrance right now was how to watch the nude scene and enjoy it too…obviously with mom always around. And on that, being fully aware of her rule: kissing scenes in movies is TABOO…forget about nudity then.

Anyway, that evening I clearly remember, we both “excited-hormones” installed all the necessary software to make this movie a pleasure to watch and rolled the disc in. The movie started and the explorer ship discovers something deep beneath the sea…a picture of a partially nude lady sitting on a couch.

“What you guys watching?” came the voice from behind.
Mom entered my room.
“It’s TITANIC, remember the movie that’s just released few weeks back. We purchased the VCD”, I said, keeping one eye on what was going on the screen.
“Alright, lemme have a look too”, mom said as she sat next to us.

I never had cable connection till I got my degree, as the rules at my home were: Cable is the main reason for kids losing interest in studies. No wonder I had not seen any Hollywood flick till I got into Engineering and started going out with my friends in theaters after each semester.

On the system, pictures of KATE discovered from beneath the sea started taking much of the screen-presence. I looked at my mom, I knew she was waiting to yell out something…and yes, within next 2.5mins she did.

“You guys spent money to watch this…this…this nude lady. Have we spent so much money on your computer so that you start watching p0rn on it?”

Oh yeah…I was embarrassed and it was not easy to explain her anything at that time. I paused the movie, ejected the VCD, dumped it inside the case and handed it to my bro. That’s how the TITANIC experience started for me…with a life-time-embarrassment.

After this incident, I almost lost interest in watching that movie, though I came across many occasions when no one was at home and I could have easily checked out the “robe-falling-down” scene. Naaah…was never that despo either.

31st December 1999, hijacked Indian Airlines flight in Kandahar was set for release after successful negotiation with the government. My 5th semester exams were also over that day and I was pretty relaxed to watch those happy passengers run out the plane. I thank god for there safety.

Tring…tring.
My cousin was on the phone. She stayed few blocks from my apartment.
“Z000nie, your Jiju is having office tomorrow and Prasad (her 4yr old kid) wants your company to watch TITANIC, shown on STAR MOVIES tonight. Can you drop by before the movie starts?”
“Okie. Not a problem for me.”

When I reached there place, both sis and her hubby wished me good-night, leaving Prasad to show me his new GIJOE collection and watch the movie, which was about to start in minutes.

I knew this lil fella was anyway going to fall asleep and this was a good time to see TITANIC till the end. Hehehe.

50 mins later, came the scene I was dying to watch for past couple of months. I looked at Prasad, he was glued to the screen. I was like, “DAMN…I need to change the channel before he sees something stupid.”

Kate drops her robe.
I’m in double mind whether to change the channel or not
It takes me record time of 20 sec to finalize my decision.
I press channel UP key on the remote control - MTV GRIND appears on the screen
*DOH*
I change channel once again

Prasad looks at me and says, “Z000n what happened?”
“Nothing…Its advertisement time”

Silence.

“Z000n, do you think that girl has lost her mind?”
“Why do you think so?”
“Why is she throwing her clothes in front of that guy?”
“Hmmmm…they are traveling in the ship na.”
“Yeah…so what?”
“She is showing that guy how to wear two-piece costumes in case of emergency… if he needs to jump into the water for safety”
“Ohhh…that’s why. I thought she’s gone mad or what?”

*Poooof*…saved.
Damn, I missed the scene again :(

Now that I’m eligible, I don’t know where that pirated VCD of mine is.
I lost it somewhere :(

Confession of a Psycho Killer

2005-08-26T10:22:00.000+05:30

(WARNING: Explicit material. Reader discretion advised. This post does not point to anyone in specific. If you feel it does, then it’s a mere co-incidence. Apologies in advance for sensitive readers who are hurt after reading, though this was never an intention)

I’ve always been fascinated by Psycho killer movies and yeah. It has its own class of spookiness and as real people are involved (unlike ghosts…in which I really don’t believe in, forget about getting scared), it keeps me on the edge of the seat, all the time. Add to it CSI, CRIME FILES, FBI Files and Medical Detective series shown on DISCOVERY Channels. No wonder, it’s one of my wildest dreams to interview a real life Psycho killer and understand why they do, what they do. Oh yeah, I mean it.

Till the time that dream comes true, below is an unreleased excerpt stolen from an interview of a well known Psycho killer - Ned Blondy, taken just few months back.
(No guesses from where its stolen guys)

“Hello Ned.”
“Hi. Are you recording all these conversation which we’ll be having here at this moment?”
“Yes. Do you have any objection?”
“No…unless you don’t go and publish it in a newspaper….or blog it.”
“No this is required for the research I’m doing for my final year thesis on understanding killers mind. So can we start?”
“Sure go ahead.”

Ned, my first question to you is - what turned you from an innocent, normal college going kid to a hard-core serial killer? What was your motive behind killing innocent bloggers?
As a kid I grew up in BLOG-Field. My parents were hard-core bloggers and they never had any time for me. I was left in care with that fcuking baby-sitter, who used to spend all her time designing blog-templates, most of the styles of which were stolen from flower-designs I used to make in my diaper’s.

Oh boy. But then, you never spoke to your parents about this?
No I didn’t. I allowed her to steal my sh!t-designs anyway. I was way too young & innocent to understand Copyright Law’s.

No, I didn’t mean template designs. You never spoke to your parents about there lack of attention to your needs.
Ohh okie. I thought you were asking me about those templates.
Yeah…I did spoke to my parents about it. I told them I need attention. In return, they handed me USERID and PASSWORD of my newly created blog and said, “Post it here and don’t worry we’ll be the first one to comment and provide solution to all your problems”. Till this moment, I hate them to my core.

Ohhh. That was sad Ned.
I don’t need your sympathy. I know what I did was right. Bloggers needs to be erased from this world…especially from BLOG-Field. It’s infested heavily.

What’s your kill ratio then?
I’ve killed around 98 bloggers, 3-n-half non-bloggers and one blog…I mean dog.

Dog??
I don’t understand one thing…when I comment on my kill ratio, people first ask about dog. Why are they so concerned about one dog that I killed? Why they never care for those 56 people? Stupid world…full of dumb people.

Ahem. I was just curious to know whether that dog used to blog or not?
No. But he won that stupid Blogerrati award for that stupid write-up, which talked about him. It was also nominated as best post ever written in blog history. Losers!!

Anyway, Ned, from your own experience, do you think lack of attention create Psycho killers?
No…never. Lack of attention is no way the reason.
But, handing innocent kids with USERID and PASSWORD for blogger.com is the main reason. Also, less than 100 comments on all posts create Psycho Killers.

Less that 100 comments? So you used to blog too?
Yes I was a blogger for short time, but no one dropped by my blog. I never used those templates discussed above…I made my own template…still, comments on my posts never touched 100. It always made me furious and I made up my mind - Mission Blogger Terminate
Hasta-la-vista bloggers!!

So that’s the only way you found out of letting go your frustration and anger.
No. Initially, I started by commenting anonymously on other people’s blog. They used to call me Anonym-ass.
Hehehe.
I used to laugh my heart out to see people getting angry on anonym-asses.

Hahaha…that was funny. I used to get loads of such comments on my blog too.
That was me. It’s out of the box now :)

Ohh okie…Sorry if I replied back something stupid that time. I didn’t realize it was you Ned.
It’s okie. If I was not behind bars at this moment…you were 2nd from top in my list.

Second from top? What the hell…I never get to be on the top position. Life sucks….Hey, wait a min. Which list are you talking about?
Of course, list of bloggers to kill.

Who was in the top list, then?
Turtle-D!ck and his sweet little family who were two blocks distance from my apartment. Damn, if only I had read the warning sign before stealthily entering that night, I would not have ended up at this sh!tty place talking to dumb people.

So what happened that night?
TD’s stupid wifey. I was this close in making my century of killing people that’s when she yelled in her sleep, ME FIRST HERE. ME FIRST HERE!!

Me first? I didn’t get you.
I didn’t know that she was a hard-core blogger and enjoyed commenting first on all her hubby’s & kid’s new posts. While asleep she suffers from sleep-talking – you know, in which she yells ME FIRST…ME FIRST out of sudden. Now who would have guessed about something this silly?

You must have got shock of your life then. Did you hit on something and made noise loud enough to wake them up?
No no…nothing of that sort happened. After hearing “me first”, BLOGGER-MAN sleeping inside me for quite a long time, woke up and I yelled back at her.
SHUT UP B!TCH, YOU ARE NOT FIRST. I’M BEFORE YOU.
Dumb me. This was more than enough for COP’s to handcuff me.

Tough luck Ned!!
Anyway, I hope all hatred inside you for bloggers just vanish in coming few days that you spend here in rehabilitation center…also wish that list of bloggers to kill disappears from your mind too. And you end up being a nice and responsible citizen…a non-blogger citizen.
Good luck!!

Nehru caught SMOKING

2005-08-26T10:01:00.000+05:30

After posting Nehru Caught flirting few months back, its time for something new.

Thanks to RD for forwarding it to me.

Blogger’s lingo (Part II) – Couple

2005-08-24T07:13:00.000+05:30

(Strict WARNING: Characters used in this post are absolutely fictitious. Any resemblance to blogger / non-blogger / dead / alive is purely co-in-ci-dental. Appreciate if none of my blog visitors try out there Investigation skills to trouble unknown bloggers out there who accidently happen to fall under my post. Thanks)

As posted by Turtle Dick (TD) in his “My Immediate Future plans”, of marrying someone very much like Lemon Rice (LR), the romance reaches its peak, when TD proposes her officially on his blog. She replies back in his comments, YES I WOULD LOVE TO MARRY YOU TURTLE at spot 5 (comments 1-4 were taken up by BOTS posting free ads, so they don’t count anyways).

One fine morning, they marry each other exactly the same way both had dreamed off since they met each other online. All blogger-fellas drop by to pass on there greetings. On there honey moon night, TD & LR are extremely busy in replying back to around 600+ comments on there posts. As you can make out, sure they were tired enough when they woke up next morning…Oh boy, I can imagine now, why honeymoon nights are like “extra” work outs.

Three years later they are blessed with 2 kids, and they name them COMMENT and PUBLISH, as they had agreed upon. LR also gets to see her dream come true…she always wanted to stay at home after marriage and give full attention to her hubby…I mean HOBBY. She has become a BLOUSE-WIFE now. Errr…don’t take any wrong meaning, that’s the new term introduced by Oxford. Blo(gger-Ho)use-Wife is what wifey’s prefer calling themselves these days.

As far as TD’s concerned, he’s now promoted to higher rank in his company, which allows him to BLOG at will during office hours & with a good financial power to move in a much peaceful and costliest place of the town. It’s peaceful because, the place is inhibited by bloggers from all around the globe.

Yes he moved his family to BLOG-FIELD, 3Km’s north of SPRING-FIELD. BLOG-e-VILLA is what they call there sweet home as. The WARNING sign at the entrance too was smartly put up, which read:

WELCOME TO BLOG – E – VILLA.
BEWARE OF BLOGS.
Salesman, beggars and NON-BLOGGERS are strictly prohibited inside the premises. We reserve rights to DELETE them at will.

Anyway, following is a typical evening conversation that takes place between TD and LR, after turtle returns back from his office.

TD: Honey, me back. Where are you?

No response.

TD: Lemony dear, your turtles back at home. Where are you hiding?
LR: I’m in the kitchen hun.

TD: Alright, so early preparation of dinner haan. What’s so special tonight? And what’s that Digital camera doing above the frying pan?
LR: You forgot. It’s freaky Friday.
TD: Yeah…like any other Friday’s
LR: Jeeez…you don’t remember now. On Friday’s I post something from kitchen on my blog, i-cook-you-frook.blogspot.com. Are you slowly losing interest in me these days, turtle?
TD: Awww…nothing like that hun. I’m chorrry. Its like, work load is so high in office, I hardly get to blog now. I’m myself coming out with my 136th new blog this week…but think I need to postpone it further.

TD: Btw, where are kids? Haven’t returned from school it seems?
LR: Naah…they are playing out with our neighbor’s kid, RUBBISH.
TD: Oh…so Mr. Slogger has moved in as our new neighbor finally. Jeeez, he spooks me out at times. Shady character.
LR: Yeah…he is kinda shady. At times when I talk to him, it makes me feel he is one of those Anonym-asses who used to write rubbish in our blogs during our early dating days.
TD: No wonder they have named there kid RUBBISH. Goes with the family. Right hun?
LR: You are always right ma chweet turtle.

After a peaceful dinner, its time to call it a day and retire in bed, when
TD: Hun you awake?
LR: Yes…what happened?
TD: Let’s have sex??
LR: Wait a minute. Where did you hear that word from?
TD: Ohhh…I’m sorry
LR: Naah…naah..Now that the cat is out…speak out
TD: Actually I came across lick-me-clean-chow-ming.blogspot.com just before leaving the office tonight. It had posts about a Chinese couple’s sex life.
LR: I warned you quite many times to stop visiting those Chinese blogs. They are the main reason for increase in population here in India.

Silence…

TD: So can we…have…
LR: Turtle sweetie, I’m tired tonight. I can’t even move my fingers to scratch my cheeks.
TD: But I don’t need your fingers for sex.

LR gives an angry stare and turtle vanishes under the sheets.
____

Z000nie boy is flying to Delhi tonight so is not sure when he’ll get to post next on this blog. Until then, have a good time fellas!!

Blogger's Lingo (Part I) - DATING

2005-08-22T05:21:00.000+05:30

(WARNING: Please note, all characters used in this post are imaginary and does not point to anyone specific. Dont flame me later on.)

After spending around 6 months on Blog-o-sphere, my style of thinking has changed a lot. Oh yeah…me in my height of bizarreness these days. I walk down on street searching for something to write down for next day’s blog. Its kindda weird I know…scary for people around me.

The other day I was thinking about how the conversation will be like say, between two bloggers who met each other online, fell in love and one day decide to take their relationship to next level – meeting each other in real life.

Turtle-Dick (TD) works for an IT company and his sole aim of life is to hook up with any gal online, get married and settle down. Like any other normal day in office, one afternoon after lunch he is surfing Pirated-Chinese-Warez sites from his office supplied laptop, when he stumbles upon one good looking URL “lemonrice.blogspot.com”. TD is excited by this concept of blogging after reading this newly discovered website. That’s when he signs up for his own blog - turtle-dick.blogspot.com

Since then, his life has changed totally. His work is not a boring task any more and he is able to make full use of his time spent in office. Yes, he’s turned into a BLOGGER…he proudly BLOGS.

Meanwhile, Lemon-Rice(LR) is a simple looking gal working for a reputed call center. Her aim of life is to give up call center and marry a handsomely paid hunk, who can take care of her all his life, while she continue blogging whole day.

Soon after TD’s blog goes online, he becomes a regular visitor of LR’s blog and slowly they start blog-chatting. This moves ahead to Messenger chatting, then to SMS and one day they decide, lets meet up in a coffee shop and spend an evening together. Below is the conversation that takes place after they see each other for the first time.

TD: Hey Lemony, wow…nice to see you in person
LR: Yeah, same here. You look different Turtle, from the snap you had sent me
TD: That was taken before I joined the current company na, that’s why. I was not blogging that time. Hahaha.
LR: Ohhhh.
TD: How was your day? What did ya do?
LR: Naah nothing. Woke up and then wrote one new post for the day.
TD: What? You updated your blog before coming here. Damn!! When am I going to comment now? I want to be in top 5 
LR: Hehehe…It’s alright if you are not able to comment once. For past 560 posts I made in 5 months since I met you, you were always in top 2. That’s so sweet of you.

TD blushes.

LR: Hey you’re blushing!! Just like the way you said in your 1000 facts about yourself.
TD: You remembered about it haan.
LR: Yes. I by-hearted all your facts. Btw, how do you get time to write posts almost every day?
TD: Yes. It’s a huge task you know. I take help from trainees in my group. Blogging is made mandatory for them to clear the training period.
LR: Wow. You are too good. Does your boss know about this?
TD: Yes. He is a hard-core blogger himself and my inspiration too in office. His URL is, lazy-me-n-my-retard-staff.blogspot.com.
LR: Wow!! Should check out sometime soon.
TD: I designed his blog-template during off office hours. Good thing is that I got promoted to Senior (Blog) Consultant for this.
LR: I read that post about your appraisal. I thought you got it for your efforts you put down in office.
TD: Hehehe…

LR: So where are we going for snacks?
TD: Yesterday evening I came across this blog, pirated-restaurants-in-mumbai.blogspot.com. Someone mentioned about this Indo-Chinese restaurant round the corner owned by a Nepali. We’ll sit and have some Italian Herb tea or something. What say?
LR: Sounds good to me.

As they sip nice hot-n-refreshing herb tea when conversation between, blog-love-birds continues.
LR: So tell me what are your future plans?
TD: Future plans? You didn’t read “My immediate future Plans”, I posted 2 days back?
LR: Oh my god!! I think I missed the post some how. I was busy in office attending some calls, you know. Real work came in.
TD: No problem.

TD: Now that I’ve a good salary job, I’m looking for someone, exactly like you to marry and settle down.
LR: Awwww…that’s so sweet of you Turtle.
TD: Thanks.

TD blushes again.

TD: We’ll get married and invite all our blogger friends at the reception party. Remember demon-from-hell? Initially I thought demon is a guy, but she is a female you know?
LR: Female? And why are you taking so much of interest in her then?
TD: No. I just wanted to tell you that she blogs from COX-n-Kings office. We can get good offers for our honeymoon package anywhere around the globe.
LR: Awwww…Give me a hug ma sweet turtle.

TD: And know what? I even thought of how many kids we’re gonna have and what there names would be.
LR: Is it? Now I literally hate myself for not reading that post. I’m chorrry.
TD: It’s okie. We’ll go for two kids and will name them – Compose and Publish
LR: Cho chweet names, you thought of. Your quality truly matches with #762 fact you’d mentioned. You are so caring and sensitive.
TD: Yes. I even registered there blog-URL’s. Kewl na?
LR: Awesome. I-love-you.blogspot.com
TD: Awww…I-love-you-too.blogspot.com

Its time to depart now and meet on blog tomorrow from office.
LR: I had an amazing time with you today Turtle. You are a sweetheart.
TD: I had nice time with you too Lemony.
Pause.
LR: When are you coming out with new post tomorrow?
TD: As soon as I swipe my card, within 10 mins I will post it.
LR: Awesome. Cya then. Bye.
TD: Bye bye.
____

Adios to my blog visitors.

Guess who??

2005-08-22T05:15:00.000+05:30

This sketch is pending for almost 1.5yrs now.
Reason for not completing it - I don't find it that appealing whenever I look at it.

If any one of you guys is able to guess this celebrity correctly, maybe I'll seriously think of posting it in my Gallery. Greetz!!

Know "HIM" after magic words

2005-08-19T19:29:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Explicit material. Reader discretion adviced)

After writing about “Know HER after magic words”, its time to say something about the opposite sex too. I'm not sure whether gals do propose thingy or not and if they, then do they get on there knees too. Wonder, how would a chick-in-short-skirt look when she get on her knees for proposing. Hmmmm....

Anyway, I believe guys are the ones who always take the initiative after falling for lust, more than love. Yeah, believe me it's the lust at first sight 90% of time. (Remaining 10% guys suffer from poor eye-sight). And then if they are stuck in this relationship with no other optionsworking in there favor, they name it SWEET LOVE. Indeed, it's sweet. Whatever it is, what does "HE" thinks after you propose him? Ever thought about this?

Well, it depends on how he reacts during that short duration till he speaks out something. Isn’t it? Here are few possibilities that might be going in his mind:

Disappears from the scene within 3.6 sec.

Please note the time, anything more than that would mean he is still in double minds whether to continue in this relationship or not.
Less than 3.6 sec…oh boy you just missed the chance of having an Olympic gold winner in 100 meters as your kid.

Bends forwards to respond back

Depends on what you’re wearing that day. If Cleavage is visible, he might take liberty of falling on it.
Intentions are to take maximum advantage of the situation
Might even dare to kiss you. Beware…if you are not prepared for this.

Says Wooo…Hooo!! And starts dancing on the scene

Never found himself worthy enough all his life.
He carries the concept: only studs like SRK and Hritik studs get proposed. I’m nobody.
Surely going to tell his friends that he had sex on his first date…just to be in LIMELIGHT you know.

Tries to change subject by asking how’s your sister doing?

He fantasies about your sis more than you.
If he enquires about your mom…BEWARE. Don’t introduce him to your mom for next couple of months if your plans are serious in future with him.
Enquires about your bro or dad…Do I need to comment now?

Hugs you…Awwww…

*ALERT*…*ALERT*…Note position of his hands. Note position of his hands.
If they are on your back, GENTLEMAN.
Slowly traveling downwards…All the best!!

Sits down in 1.7 mins after magic words.

He suffers from erection-with-abnormal-timings syndrome.
He’ll never be able to get down on one knee to propose you coz of this syndrome.
Word of Caution: Never hug this guy, you might get poked in your bottom.
Chances are high for him to turn into Sex Maniac in future.

“Hmmm…mmm…I…” or He starts perspiring

Not prepared for this situation.
He is double dating behind your back. You were kinda backup for him.
He might also be thinking “I took her as my sister. Will it be fine to date her now?”

Bursts into tears

Emotional & Sensitive guy.
After tears are done, will stand up and give a big speech on what & how much you mean to her in this relationship.
Will again burst into tears after da speech.
Uses tears as a means to get chicks laid.

Alright…so now what?

He never has things planned in his life.
He depends on others to take initiative.
Not serious in task at hand.

“Oh my god….Waaaw. That is so cool”

Hard-core blogger.
Title of next post will be: “I had sex last evening with da gal who proposed me”.
I’ll run down into “NO. OF MINUTES ACTUALLY SPENT [multiplied by] 79” words.

“You are so sweet. But…” or “Cya around sometime”

Plans for breakup, but don’t know how to put down in words.
Suffers from poor vocab.
If you marry this guy, your kids will have capacity to learn only 2 languages in there life. One will be their mother-tongue ofcourse.
He is kinda afraid of gals who bursts into tears and creates scene after breakup.
Unfortunately for him, he is not even carrying a clean, unused kerchief with him that day.

“Awwww….Marry me?”

Ran out of all his options and you were the perfect bait for him.
Eager to get someone laid and believes in safe sex.

“Let’s spend time at my place…”

He is more interested in getting inside your panties, rather than in your heart.
Carries around 99GB of porn DVD’s in his movie collection.
Jerks off thinking about you, since the time you met him.
He’ll not hesitate to upload his MMS online to gain popularity.
Sex maniac

Kisses you desperately…and passionately.

He was desperately waiting for you to take initiative all this while.
Glad you did…*pooooof*
If the passion is more than expected, he might fall in above category as well. BEWARE.

Blushes blushes…and probably faints after blush attack
Congrats you just met Z000n!!

Adios to all my Blog visitors. Have a nice weekend ahead. Z000n will catch you'll on Monday now. Till then take care and enjoy!!

Happy Raksha Bandhan!!

2005-08-19T07:12:00.000+05:30

Agar aap Bus, Train, Plane ya kahi se bhi aa-jaa rahe ho aur kisi mahila ya ladki ke haath mein phool, dhaga, chain ya chamaklti hui koi bhi vastu dekhe toh turant vahaan se bhaag jaye.

Yeh vastu RAAKHI ho sakti hai.

Aapki zara si laparvahi aap ko BHAI bana sakti hai.

Bharat sarkar dwara PURUSH hith mein jaari!!

(Thanks to NM for forwarding me this.)

Yes I remember bunking classes on Raksha Bandhan coz I never wanted to become Bhaiya of cute gals in my class. Hehehe...

Anyway, to all my bloggers from India, HAPPY RAKSHA BANDHAN!!

Fifty Questions

2005-08-17T07:54:00.000+05:30

What time did you get up this morning? - 6.30am
Formals or Casuals? – Casual. I’m kindda bored wearing formals now.
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? – Mr. & Mrs. Smith just two days later I landed up in Delhi.
What is your favorite TV show? – The Simpsons. I dream of settling down in Springfield and calling myself Homer.
What is your middle name? - (Would have loved to reply that in real)
Which is your favorite perfume/Deodorant? – Perfume: 21st Century, Whisky & Deodorant: Axe – Gravity/Impulse
What is your favorite cuisine? – Italian & Mexican
What is your favorite drink? – Sweet Lemon juice. I have it daily in the morning, prevents me from having migraine.
What is your favorite CD at the moment? – Black Eyed Peas – Elephunk & Don’t funk with my heart. I’m listening to them over and over a lot. (I need change...can anyone please suggest me a good band here)
What kind of vehicle do you drive? - I don't know how to drive.
What is your Favorite sandwich? – SUBWAY’s Chicken
What characteristics do you despise? - Dishonesty
What is your Favorite item of clothing? – Spykar Worn Out Jeans
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? – France (Paris) or Australia (Sydney)
What color is your bathroom? – Light brown (I want to paint it yellow or light blue if I move to my own flat)
What color pants are you wearing? – Dark Blue
Where would you retire to? – In my native place somewhere near GOA. Might be in Pune too.
What is your Favorite time of the day? – Mornings. I'm totally stressed out in eve.
What was your most memorable birthday? - The last one...with my 000nie family :)
What's the last thing you ate? – Chicken Mo-Mo, Mango Slush with ice-cream and Italian Herb-n-Cheese boiled corn.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? - Black or White
What is your Favorite flower? – Red Roses (I so want to buy loads and loads for someone)
Coke or Pepsi? - Diet Coke anytime
Do you wish on stars? - Never
What is your shoe size? - 8
Do you have any pets? – 4 kittens, one grown up cat, 4 fishes. (My pet Dalmatian died few months back. I miss her), One baby turtle...hmmm...that's all for now.
Last person you talked to on the phone? – My mom. (She calls me everyday when I'm in Pune)
What did you want to be when you were little? - Wrestler
What are you meant to be doing now? – Yet another IT Slave
What do you first notice about someone? – For Guys, their style of talking and for girls, fingers.
What was your favorite toy as a child? – Never had toys.
Summer or winter? - Summer
Hugs or Kisses? - Hugs (I still feel yukkk to kiss someone...need to get over this feeling soon)
Chocolate or vanilla? - Chocolate anytime
Who is most likely to respond? - My cyber friends (including my blogger friends. My real life pals are very lazy, like me. They might respond back online to prove there laziness)
Who is least likely to respond? – My ex. (She doesn’t even care whether I’m dead or alive now)
Living arrangements? – Staying with parents as of now and on work days in a rented apartment in Pune.
When was the last time you cried? – When my Dalmatian, PERL died coz of mouth cancer. She was maah baby and I surely miss her loads.
What is under your bed? – I don’t know. Mom will find it out tomorrow if something’s went missing. Mite be LIZ with her kids (LIZ is one of my home lizards. I don’t know why I name her LIZ in the first case)
How many countries have you visited? – UAE and Oman
In how many cities have you lived? – Cities I have visited include Pune, Hyderabad, Baroda, Bangalore and Delhi. Stayed for couple of days in each.
Favorite movie of all time? – As good as it Gets (Helen Hunt, Jack Nicholson)
Mountains or beach? – Both.
The current friend you have known the longest? – MR, YR & VA.
Full names of your potential kids? – Bart for a boy and Tuhina for a girl
What is your usual bedtime? – After midnight anytime
What is your favorite past time after office? – I spend time reading or watching STAR WORLD.

(Rebecca, I know 5 of your Q's are yet to replied back, I'll do that in comments section of this post.)

Still 3 more Q’s to go. If anyone of you has anything in mind, just put down in comments, will reply back for sure. Till then, Greetz to all!!

Proud owner of HP iPAQ

2005-08-15T07:50:00.000+05:30

First it was Nokia 6630, then 3230 and later 6680 that grabbed my attention for quite sometime. Also, Sony Ericsson P910i was in my fantasy list too. But I was looking for something that will give me the power of a PDA with a funky Stylus to work on touch screen, a stereo MP3 player, camera and yes, important of all – should be a GRAB-CHICKS-ATTENTION kinda cell phone.

I was lucky last Thursday when I got a good deal on HP iPAQ 6365 which I was not able to resist. And now this cute baby is mine. (To view Z000n's baby, click here.)

Good things about iPAQ:

First and foremost, "she" grabs attention. Oh yeah…believe me, it really does. People literally turn there necks to have a glimpse. Its not so popular here yet...maybe coz of the high price.
I get to work on Windows CE, which I was waiting for after playing around on Symbian OS on my bro’s cell.
Instant penning down of thoughts for ma blog possible, thanks to MS OFFICE in there.(Me done with "HIS Thoughts" post on Friday evening during ma 3hr journey to Pune)
I can carry my ebooks around with me now (Deception Point & Forrest Gump are uploaded already).
Sudoku is installed on the very first day!!.
My previous cell, Nokia 7210, lacked Bluetooth. I’m so looking forward to have fun doing Blue Jacking…heheeh. Evil me!! (My cell identifier is Z000n and I usually hang out in Barista or CCD during weekends in Mumbai and in Pune on work days. Hope I bump into some blogger-mate soon.)

Not-so-good things:

I can’t put iPAQ in any of ma pocket. It always occupies one of ma hand to carry it around.
Cant store MP3’s yet. No music till I upgrade storage capacity :(
No movies installed too. Damn, 64MB is not enough!!

Next in ma list:

iPOD Photo was suppose to be in my hands on July 31st, but due to some miss-communication it's now postponed to December.
Digital Camera from Nikkon, 8MP is due for quite sometime. Have to finalise how much to spend on it. Hmmm...

Having said that, lots of pictures were pending to be uploaded here for quite sometime now. So here are they. Enjoy!!

My Pet Dalmatian, Perl (I miss her loads. May her soul rest in peace.)

M000nie II and Darla:

Mani's lil' family:

Happy Indepence Day to all my blog visitors from India!!
Adios.

I would like to thank…

2005-08-12T07:19:00.000+05:30

1st February 2005 Z000n’s tiny-miny blog appeared on this huge cyber world with the title head “arz000n’s diary”. Main aim of starting it was to pass on my feelings (mainly painful) to my ex who had closed down all means of communication for reason unknown. I don’t think she ever visited this space anyway.

If I look back now to what many people advised me, “Z000n everything happens for GOOD”, then I would sincerely like to thank her for giving me an opportunity to meet this wonderful world of people with whom I spent past 6 months of my stay online.

Apart from the bleeding deep inside my heart, I started putting down cribbing from my office (most of which I later pulled down), hilarious moments and daily happenings in my life. The only regular visitor (who used to sincerely comment) for next 3-4 months was my ex-colleague (ex-roomie too) and a wonderful human being I met in my life, Hagrid, Thanks buddy!!

Slowly I realized people are not interested in reading MY daily happenings…obviously who’ll be interested in knowing number of chicks Z000n saw in a day or even best, “today I did this…and tomorrow I’ll do this” stories. So I thought it’s better to put something that will bring a smile on face of my visitors after a stressful day.

It’s always easy to write down a painful moment, but believe me to make someone smile that to through a write-up is not easy. It needs a lot of efforts and thinking. I’ve gone to the limits of getting up as early as 5 in the morning (after a late night project work, meetings, con-calls and deadlines) to write a new post and reading it multiple times before posting it.

After that came the technique of Shameless-Self-Promotion. I started visiting other people’s blog in order to pull them on mine. The hits increased and within 6-n-half months of my stay here I crossed mighty 10,000 hits, which in itself says it all.

This journey was not easy for me…but it was worth.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank all my blog visitors, mainly my 000nie family foundation members – Hagrid, Keshi, Musings and Tanvi. If not for support of you guys, Z000n would have been history by now. Big thanks for you fellas!!

Apart from them, other beautiful people I came across who pampered me all the time with their love towards my blog and also showered with all those motivating comments which I desperately needed in order to come out with a new post everyday. (in US alphabetic order)
Amutha, Anushka, Aparna, Ayn, BoldandBeautiful, Cheesy, Debalina, Deepa, Dewdy, display_name, distraction, Elixir, IcePrincess, invincible, Kroopa, L, Lavinia, Meera, Michelle, Neha, Niki, Nikita, Nitika, Pallavi, Pari, pearl, Peter, Poison, Puneet, Rebecca, Rohit, Sayesha, Sebia Sharon, Sona, Strawy, Tripleb73, Unaiza, Vinu, word_smith, Zombie

Also, worth mentioning are people who are passive visitors of my blog, but never failed to send their comments in offlines on YM, emails, SMS or even phone calls.
Greetz goes out to:

ED from Delhi (for visiting here everyday from office when boss is not around. Hehehe…Thank you.)
SM from Chennai (taking time out from busy training schedule to drop a mail to me. Thanks.)
AP from BBSR (you are on my blog now. Pls stop scolding me whenever you call up or now do you want me to write a separate post about it??)
VA from Paris (My college pal. I know you’ve reduced your visits here after I changed my style of writing…but know still you do drop by. Thanks)
YR from Dallas, Texas (Another college buddy. If not for those long distance phone calls just to tell me you enjoyed reading my post…I always would have assumed that my blog was still desi. Thanks dude.)
SD from Bloomington (x-colleague and an awesome criticizer of my blog. Thanks)
All guys from my previous company who I know are busy in odd working schedules and meeting deadlines but still always find time to drop by here. You guys are just amazing…Thank you so much!!
And finally SS from Mumbai (You literally freaked me out lady. No…you really did. I never thought someone would read all my posts & comments so seriously and take notice of all personal information leaking out. Oh boy…anyway thanks.)

…and remaining whom I forgot to mention here right now but remember you are always in my thoughts.

If I had to wish anything for you’ll, the only thing popping up in my mind right now is:
GOD, PLEASE KEEP THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE SMILING ALL THEIR LIFE AND IN BEST OF THEIR HEALTH.

I hope to expect your company (and pampering of course) in future too.

And last but not the least…all guys behind those Anonymous or CREATIVE blog ID’s, who visited here and took their precious time to leave “intelligent” comments either on my blog or my blog-mates. Guys, you tried your best to discourage me, pull down my efforts, make fun of me, use my blog for free advertising…and I know as I’m writing this you are still working hard on it. I really don’t care about you when I’ve got so many people to love me. But I’d like to thank you too for criticizing me which gave me enough direction to think hard and come up with something different all the time.

Finally, if I’ve forgotten to mention anyone above specifically please accept apologies from core of my heart. That was never an intention.

Greetz to everyone and thanks once again.
Will catch you guys on Monday morning.
Happy Weekend to all. Signing out.

Sweet & Bitter

2005-08-10T07:05:00.000+05:30

As everyone is busy writing 99 facts about themselves, I thought of penning down few memories I haven’t blogged yet. So here are few of em…

After SSC results were declared, I found out that two of my very close “friends” (and arch rivals too, I used to compete with them as far as scores were concerned), cleared with a pathetic score. So when college started, during one lunch break session, while we were on way to canteen, one of them tried to push me down from the staircase. Luckily I managed not to lose my balance and survived. I gave up hanging out with them after this incident.

While in school, I had major crush on my Geography teacher. Whenever her class used to be after lunch break, I was out to hunt fresh flowers for her. And then at the start of her lecture, she used to tell me, “Thank you Z000n. It’s so sweet of you.”, and I used to blush loads. Hahaha…and again blush.

While in 5th std., I got addicted to eating bubble-gums. Since there was no concept of “pocket-money” during my up-bringing, I stole coins from my dad’s wallet. One day while leaving for school, few coins fell from my pocket and the mystery behind “disappearance-of-money” from home became clear. Till this moment, I still feel a chill run down my spine when I hear that metallic sound of coins hitting the floor.

During my Pune-Mumbai trip on one weekend, I came across this cute female sitting next to me. For initial 10 mins I prayed for her to start the conversation and bingo!! At end of 12th min she took the initiative to break da silence. After that I dominated by being TECHIE-GOD as she was traveling to Mumbai for some entrance exam. Finally after 3hr journey, I’d told her everything about myself and vice-versa, but when I got down I realized I forgot to ask her name and/or even contact number. Damn…all efforts gone in drain (If that chick is reading this post, can you please offline me? Thanks)

When my dad met with a minor accident at his work place few years back, me and family ran down to see him in the hospital. The moment I put my eyes on him lying on bed, with tubes running all over, I fainted at the entrance. One cute South Indian nurse gave me 2 glass of Electrol to regain consciousness. Few months back I went to see one of my friends admitted for a minor fracture in hand. This time I fainted near his bed and my dad had to hold me from falling on the floor. Since then, I gave up visiting sick people.

When I first moved to Pune, I got a flat on rent to share with a senior, whom I hardly knew for half-a-day or so. And also I was new to the concept of staying away from family, so was not aware of da “rules”. My first night, I had just moved and was going to sleep on my bed, when suddenly this guy drops in my room without even knocking. “Sorry dude, I came to collect my night clothes lying around somewhere here, I hope you don’t mind. I’ll clean up the mess tomorrow”, he said. I was like, Hello…you just scared the sh!t outta me. I hope you are not gay or something. Last thing in my mind was to meet a male-molester and experience manly-love during my first night in Pune…Yukkk!!

In 9th std., SEX EDUCATION lessons were introduced for our batch after school hours. My friend bluffed me that after the session, everyone will be asked about what they understood about sex. I never attended any session coz I felt I would sound stupid.

Few years back, I was attending this birthday party. Though I usually don’t, but I ran out of excuses as the party was of my neighbor’s (hardly 3.5 step distance from my door) 1 yr old kid. When the b’day cake was brought in the living room, I heard this conversation of a lil kid with his dad in one corner of that room,
“Dad, why candle of “1” on that cake?”
“Its coz she turned 1-yr old today. It’s her first b’day na. That’s why”
“Oh..”
A brief pause.
“Dad, was there a “zero” on that cake last year?”

Adios to all you my blog visitors.

Know “HER” after those magical words.

2005-08-08T05:26:00.000+05:30

It’s an amazing feeling to look deep into the eyes of your heart-throb and say those magical words for da first time during your relationship. No, I didn’t meant by, “Give me money, I need more chocolates” or “Can we leave now honey?” or “My neighbor’s kid ran away with her bf” or even “Wooo Hooo…I got tourist VISA for Timbuktu”.

Jeeeez…Naaah…

I meant those romantic magic words that are close to, “Princess, I LOVE YOU from deep of my heart and I think you are THE ONE I was searching for all my life”.

Now aren’t those magical? Romantic?

Alright Z000n, after magic show what, I hear you ask me.

Obviously there is a pause for few seconds, so that “Princess” comes back to her senses. The short pause after those words till something pops-out from her mouth (anything from words to puke…beware) are very crucial one. That pause decides your fate whether to continue with her or seriously start flirting with gals in your backup list.

Meanwhile as you wait for her to react, keep in mind the following probabilities derived from HER gesture in that pause period:
(Please note in my life span of 25 years, I’ve said those magical words only once, so you can pretty well guess where following probabilities came from…)

She stares in your eyes for quite some time and replies back slowly, with long delays in those 3 words.

Kind of, "I………L……..o….v…..eeeeee…………………………….you"
This could only mean:

She is puzzled. She really doesn’t know what to do. And this is the only way she thought of getting around da situation.
She is a slow thinker.
Suffers from Cant-think-fast-when-in-panic syndrome that runs in her family. Your kids are going to carry her genes…so beware. Future disaster is in front of you.

She immediately responds back, “I LOVE YOU too”
This could only mean:

She was dying to hear those words and would have responded back exactly the same way to anyone.
“Give me LOVE…and LOVE…and more LOVE” category gal.

She HUGS you and responds back with magic words.
This could only mean:

She wants to doubly check whether you really are healthy in those designer shirts you wear every time you guys meet or those are your dad’s/friends used clothes.
If her head tilts on your chest towards your upper pocket, she wanna make sure you carry enough money to drop her back home.
Trying to estimate the value of DEO you wearing.

She never looks at your face, but mumbles those words.

If she is looking at your belly, she wants to pass the message, “Face is okie…but this tummy!! Oh God!! Alright, lose-your-tummy lessons start from tomorrow”
If she looks at your trousers, she meant, “Hope I don’t fall in his CHEAP category like his cheap trouser.”
On your shoes, then she meant, “Can’t even take care of his shoes. Lazy bone!!”
All-in-all, a health, dress, shoes and everything conscious lady. You’ll have to spend rest of your life following rules laid by her.

Her eyes are filled with tears and whole of her face turns red.

Thoughts in her mind, “This is the last time I’m crying. I’ll see to it that you have em all your life”.
Tying best to hide her anger. But being an emotional person, tears just pop out ruining everything...right from her makeup to her desire to show hidden Charlie’s Angel attitude.

She has surprise look on her face kindda “Really!! Waaaw, I never saw that coming” looks.

She is dating someone behind your back.
She was desperately looking for something to note down in her secret diary or blog for quite sometime now. And you just gave her enough material to write about.
She is hard-core blogger. The more time you spend with her, juicier her next post will be. Better end this conversation and run home asap.

She doesn’t wait for you to finish and responds, “Oh my god!!”

Gay
Flirt
More interested in increasing her “guys-say-me-magic-words” count.

She slaps back on your face.

D000d, all this while she took you as her brother. Yukkk…you need that slap anyway.
She is not aware of Raksha Bandhan festival else would have been the first one to drop by on your door step with RAAKHI every year.

She kicks your balls spontaneously after those magic words dropping from your sweet mouth.

She always thought you as a good friend and her dictionary lacks “Love” under L category. Probably she is carrying pirated version of Oxford Dictionary downloaded from Chinese Warez Site.
She knows Kung-Fu / Marshall Arts which she never told you about.
High chances of her being married. (How dare you took chances even after being aware of her hunky and loving husband?)
You are now on top of her “dude-hit-and-run” list.
You are so screwed.

“Pardon me” or “Excuse me mister!!” or “Come again?? I didn’t hear that properly”.

She was not expecting this to hear from anyone in her life.
For her love is a sweet concept that happens only in novels and Hollywood movies.
All these Q’s gives her enough time to re-think about guys in her “possible-date’ list.

Now that you got to hear HER version, my next post will be about what HE thinks during that pause period, else it will be unfair of me. Right?

So till my next post…Adios to all you beautiful visitors of this blog.
Greetz!!

Happy Friendship Day!!

2005-08-07T12:17:00.000+05:30

Happy Friendship day to all my blog visitors.
Thanks for your support and love towards this tiny space in Cyber world.

Enjoy life!!

Mumbai, Monsoons and Media

2005-08-04T09:03:00.000+05:30

(Please note I respect feelings of people who were seriously affected due to Monsoon 2005. This post was to bring lighter part behind it and not to hurt anyone’s feelings. If I did accidentally or purposely, I apologize in advance.)

Monsoons took a toll on poor mumbaites couple of weeks back. Fortunate for me, I never had to step outta my small room and experience an adventure to blog down. However, I know situation was more complex out there, thanks to Media for bringing me live monsoon-coverage right in my living room. I pray from core of my heart that things settle down soon and life gets back to normal.

Following are the excerpts captured from different channels while I was surfing them:

Localities complaining to Media: “We are left with absolutely no power or anything for last 1 week. We didn’t even get any help from government. I sincerely want to request our government to help us with light if not power so that we can survive.”
PA of our Chief Minister: “I am aware of the situation. Our CM, Vilasrao Deshmukh, is out in the meeting room with all BMC officials getting updates of each and every second. He cancelled his tour of this area coz of heavy flooding, just outside his office premises. We are working out plans and will come up with something pretty soon, first to tackle situation nearby his office and then for Aamchi-Mumbai.Jai Maharashtra”
One channel was quick enough to keep guys with cell-phones busy by starting a new SMS-contest, “How much milli-meter of rains do you expect by end of day today? Is it a. 60mm, b. 76mm, c. 80mm or d. 103mm. Please SMS back on 8080 before 1700hrs and win attractive flood-proof life saving jacket for free.
Bollywood was not left behind during da floods. Naah, they didn’t come to save the victims but to shoot all rainy-songs (add-ons) in see-through clothes on streets of Mumbai City. It’s anyway difficult to get such natural effects which rain-gods were giving them for free-of-cost.
Another channel released video captured from hidden cams in Meteorological department where guys were watching “uncensored” channels while at work. It was then disclosed the reason for failure of this department to timely alert on Tsunami as well as severe rains this season on multiple occasion. All officials caught in hidden-cam were quickly sent for training to understand difference between weather forecast and “uncensored” video clips.
Also heard that Deepa Mehta’s controversial movie WATER was approved by the Censor Board when she promised to add authentic water-scenes from this year’s monsoon in her movie. The movie is due to release next season.
One News channel showed Salman Khan chilling with a mug of Beer in his Juhu Residential Complex as he was set free from all charges put up on him after the release of 4-year old tapped telephonic conversation. Reason, though not clear as of now, but what I could get was, heavy flooding “miraculously” washed away all evidence on records-n-cassettes against him. Mumbai Police have again resumed tapping his conversation for more evidence now.
One of the famous Bollywood director, Shyam Gopal Sharma, known for his remakes of “The Rock”, “Matrix”, “The Ring”, etc. in Hindi, also announced launch of his new movie, I Still know what you did last Monsoon – True Story based on the bitter truth in BMC, with four songs in total of 3.5hr suspense movie (without intermission). Two of its rain-songs were shot last week, rest two are suspense songs with the killer himself.
Finally Bazee.com CEO was again in news, naah not for allowing someone to upload Pornographic MMS (Mumbai Monsoon Sex), but this time for uploading Disaster Recovery Planning (DRP) manuals created by Mumbai Municipality. BMC Officials stormed Bazee.com offices for allowing sale of confidential document, which later became clear had around 3000 pages of information. However, none dealt with how to handle severe rain fall in the city.

Greetz to all my blog visitors. Hope everyones doing good.
I'll catch you'll on Monday now. Take care.

25 things in my “to-do” list

2005-08-03T08:33:00.000+05:30

Appear for CISSP and CISA certifications before Aug’06.
Minimize drooling over fancy electronic gadgets and spend money on buying them.
Get HP-iPAQ/O2 for myself within 10 days from this post (This was decided before above to-do…so…)
Adopt a Great Dane puppy, if my parents allow me to. (Though memories of my previous pet Dalmatian, PERL, are still fresh…I’m so in love with Danes now.)
Take care of all my kittens (I haven’t named them yet) & pray for there safety from street dogs.
Give up writing about Fart on blog. (People don’t find it funny anymore.)
Stop hurting myself on stupid reasons and silly assumptions. (I so wanna give up this and then fall in a relationship :) )
Stop attaching myself to people I meet on/offline. (Attachment give birth to feelings, feelings brings expectations & when expectations are not met, Z000n’s upset.)
Not to remember my ex and go back in depression. (its over now…chapter closed. Even innocent looking people know how to stab.)
Apply for driving license as soon as monsoons are over. (Have been postponing it for quite sometime now.)
Join GYM so that my glow-in-dark-butt enhances its power holding capacity.
Increase my in-take of Smoking JOE’s pizzas. (Mmmmm…Do they have monthly pass concept? I’ll be the first one to get it.)
Reduce consumption of Diet Coke/Sprite/Mountain Dew. (when I’m away from home)
Spend more time in sketching. (I’m losing its touch since I got my lappy)
Give up P2P file sharing, or at least work towards it. (It’s an addiction for sure. No surprises if I start searching for my GF on P2P)
Start meeting up real people whom my parents politely call as relatives (I hardly know anyone related to us. Initially it was coz of studies, now some lame excuse keeps me locked in my study room)
Work on Anger Management. (Sleeping with head phones playing loud music is not a cure)
Join French lessons if I’m not on project outside Mumbai. (or at least start reading “Learn French in 24 hours” seriously. )
Participate in online Su-Doku solving contest. (Yo…me not scared of HARD level Su-Doku’s. Thanks to Oak systems Su-Doku Puzzle game. )
Stop staring at chicks who smoke in pubs. (It has become a life style now. No need to be shocked / surprised)
Stop cribbing about Indian Politicians. (They are born to cheat people, create scams & then come out clean chit)
Speak out my feelings, no point in keeping them inside. (Think it speaks out for itself)
Get seriously involved with someone and forget whole world for her.
Be an optimist. Start thinking positive when in a relationship with the above mentioned person. (She is not gonna leave me…chill. I know I’m not gonna fail this time)
Finally, minimize addiction to Blogging and Internet. There is real life outside my lappy too.

Thanks to all you beautiful people for passing on b’day wishes in advance to me. This is so awesome!!

Intelligent system, fade memories

2005-08-01T09:18:00.000+05:30

I never had an ambition of becoming yet another IT slave in my life. Infact, when I was first introduced to computers, I laughed at the concept of working for something which had jumbled up keyboard. Anyway, below are my series of encounters with this “idiot-box” look alike (as far as I can remember).

1993
“Hey Z000n, are you not coming to see KAMPUTER in auditorium?”
“Kamputer?? What sh!t is that?”
“Dick head…Computers are one intelligent system which will do anything you ask it do for.”
“Waaaaw…come on lets check it out”

This was way back in 8th std. I saw KAM…ahhhmmm, COMPUTER for the first time in my life. I was so enthralled when I saw it, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Kids in Ummm-rikka are so lucky, they just need to type in Essay on my first real experience during monsoon and punch some keys. Boom, whole essay will be typed on that tiny screen. Oh boy…wish I could have something like that. I hate doing homework.

1995
Came vacation after SSC, my parents enrolled my name for getting introduced to Advance Basic programming course. Reason: I was spending way too much time in reading Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Famous Five, etc. (I’d not seen M&B that time)

Sandy: Z000n, you wrote the proggie for bubble-sort algorithm?
Z000n: Why do I have to write a program in a stupid language when I was told that Computers are intelligent systems?
Sandy: You are so screwed now. How are you gonna finish the practical?
Z000n: I’m fed of working on a dumb system, who says “Illegal operation performed” whenever I run my program. Should’ve been intelligent enough to auto-correct it. Stupid people working on stupid systems.

1997
Got admitted to one of the top universities in Mumbai as a Computer engineer. I lost the seat for Chemical Engineering by few digits. May be GOD wanted me to understand what exactly computers are.

1998
Two (partial) engineers trying to copy ROADRASH folder from CD to HDD in a user friendly WINDOWZ operating system.
MR: Do you know how to copy this folder on my HDD?
Z000n: You own a computer man. I use this sh!t only in coll that to for understanding this weird keyboard. 80% of my time is gone in searching proper keys. You know, I’m going to buy one which will have keys in alphabetical order
MR: Hmmm…the only thing which I can think of right now is, why not we make a note of each and every folder on this CD under ROADRASH folder and then use MD command to create exact replica on my system.
Z000n: You’ve brains. As you say.

Next 15 mins were spent in making multiple hierarchies of folder structure. And then another 15-20 mins in typing MD (Make Directory) command on his Hard Disk in order to copy ROADRASH. We never thought of right-clicking on the folder, selecting COPY and then doing paste at the destination.

2001
“Due to 9/11, company has lost many of its clients and is suffering heavy losses in business. We regret to inform you that your joining to AMDOCS has been postponed till further notice.”
IT slowdown and then 9/11 screwed up the opportunities for 2001 passed out batch. I cursed myself for getting into IT to see something like this after spending 4 yrs in it.

2002 onwards.
I love IT industry and I enjoy working on computers.
Woooo..hoooo…
You are paid handsomely.
You get to go on business trips, stay in awesome hotel.
What more can anyone ask for?
But, the only drawback in security field is that I never had females in my team. I don’t know…they were never able to find good-looking-creature or motivation-to-work- efficiently-species who could break into computer network and web applications…or do something weird. (No wonder I was huge fan of Raven Alder when I got to know more about her. I even got her resume on my desktop and traced her on Orkut, hehehe...)

Btw, Happy Friendship Day to all you beautiful people!!

Rain, Pizza and Surprise(s)

2005-07-29T07:30:00.000+05:30

Last night I decided to try out Smoking JOE’s Pizza for dinner. No occasion or anything but just to give up laziness & survival on biscuits coz of heavy rains almost every evening here in Pune. However, to our surprise there was no drizzle and we quickly made our plans to walk down 15 mins to Joe’s outlet.

Sudden formulation of plans found both me and my roomie in not-enough-cash-in-wallet state. However, being a firm believer of our 11th Commandment “Thou shall never ever cancel Pizza Plans, no matter what.”, with loads of enthusiasm and mild AXE DEO, we both set off with our Menu for da night - one 10” CORN FEAST Pizza. It was not possible to afford Garlic Bread and Cold Drinks as total cash money available with both of us were mere 300bucks.

Yet again to our surprise (it was hell-of-a-surprise-day for both of us…read ahead you’ll come to know), we saw, WE ACCEPT VISA MASTER CARD sign at the entrance of SMOKING JOE’s. Last time when we were here, we were told that they don’t accept cards in any of its outlets. Not even SODEX-HO PASSes. Damn.

Woooo…Hoooo, within two minutes we reframed our Menu for that night, with addition of one more 10” Classic VEG with Extra CORN and Black OLIVES, one Garlic Bread with Cheese, One SPRITE (new ICE flavor) and loads of blessings to Mr. JOE for accepting VISA Cards.

Oh boy…only I know how much I missed JOE’s pizza for past 2 months.

After 2 hours of munching we decided to walk back home before Rain Gods start showering there love-drops on us.

Z000n: Man! I love Smoking Joe’s Pizza’s. They are just awesome man.
Cashier: Thank you sir.
Z000n: Also, good that you are accepting CARDS…we guys can drop in frequently from now on.
Cashier: Yes sir. But I’m sorry to say, CARD Swiping machine is not working tonight. You’ll have to pay by cash.

I looked at my roomie.
He started looking at secret pockets in his wallet for extra cash. ATM was no where near by and neither of us was in the mood of walking down to take out cash and then come all the way back to pay here. I knew I didn’t carry any money in my shorts either. I mean shorts of my wallet. I always relied on my multiple CC’s.

Somehow (yet again a surprise) after searching for each and every penny available in our wallets we were able to raise the exact amount to be paid. Forget about TIP money. With absolutely no cash (even penny) left with us, we both decided to walk down to take out cash required for da next day.

After a good 25 mins walk (obviously we were not in a position to get an auto), we reached our ATM Center only to find out (one more surprise here), a good looking NOTICE board displayed.

DUE TO HEAVY RAINS IN MUMBAI, NO ATM CENTRE IS OPERATIONAL RIGHT NOW. INCONVENIENCE REGRETTED.

I could feel Pizza’s inside my stomach, literally getting burned out due to exhaustive walk and now with no option left but to travel back yet another 25 mins to home, we cursed ATM Security Guard and started for our long tiring journey.

We’d not even walked for 4-n-half mins when (final surprise here), the above mentioned Rain GOD’s started their showering process. It was properly drizzling and I was in no mood of running all the way back home. Anyway, I then realized there was no time to measure how much of my EGO was hurt due to unexpected shower; I had to sprint towards my apartment.

To conclude, lesson learnt last night: Rain’s, Pizza’s and ATM Machines never go hand-in-hand.

Pinch of Bizarreness with handful of Facts.

2005-07-26T10:32:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Explicit material. Reader discretion advised.)

I never purchased English newspapers during school days. Spending hard earned money (2 rs) from dad’s salary was something I never enjoyed. However, when I was in 11 std, our English teacher told everyone to start reading it regularly as that would help us in HSC’s language paper. So one Sunday morning I went out to purchase one with 2 rs in my hand. Below is the conversation that I’ll never forget as long as I hear the word NEWSPAPER.
Z000n: Hmmm…How much are these newspapers for?
I asked that poor chap pointing towards variety of newspapers kept for display.
He didn’t know what to reply back.
I was not sure whether I asked the right Q in da first place.
Newspaper guy: Which one you wanna purchase?
Z000n: Which ones cheap?
He paused to think whether to reply back.
After a short while,
Newspaper guy: TOI is for 2Rs, Indian Express for 1.50 and this one for 1Re.
Z000n: One rupee only? Wow..thts kewl. I’ll take this.
For next whole month I read that 1Re wala newspaper, I don’t even remember its name now, until they raised its cost to 1.50. After that I gave up purchasing newspaper.
This was way back in ’97. Now I’m a regular subscriber of TOI, Readers Digest, THE WEEK, PC Quest and DIGIT computer magazine. Time never remains the same…you only need to have patience.

Following is a precious tip to fellow male blogger’s (females, please skip this) who are planning for future travels via Air Sahara. If you are of the kind who likes to travel only for good food and cute air-hostesses, then never travel by late night flights. On Friday night while I was returning from Delhi, I went to sleep (and almost skipped my dinner too) when I realized that Sahara doesn’t have chicks in there small aircraft. I hope I’m traveling in a different airline this Sunday.

Ever seen guys waiting outside ATM machines (like vultures to pounce on victims) for giving you life-time free Credit Cards?
I wonder how many people actually wait and listen to what they are trying to give you for FREE. Poor souls. At times, I feel pity for those poor fellas. Marketing team working for these banks should seriously start thinking hard on how to grab such potential victims. If I was part of da team, I’d surely make some radical changes.
How?
Simple. Replace guys with chicks.
Now, how is this gonna help?
Ever seen guy saying NO to a beautiful chick?? Only someone with “active” brains will say NO and believe me majority of guys are born without it. They will go to the extent of buying separate wallet (from that same chick) to keep only credit cards after change in marketing strategy. No wonder I’m still not able to cancel 3 CC’s of mine for quite a long time. Every time I call, sweet voice at the other end reminds me of the advantages of having one more CC. Damn!!

How were condoms discovered?
Long time back, condoms were actually used by guys to hide their small dicks while having sex. Later study revealed that such guys actually do have a long and healthier life style. That’s how condoms came to life for everyone to have protected, healthier & “Happier” sex life.

When we got our new cable operator in colony, he started out by giving 90 registered and 4 “secret” channels.
Secret??
Yes, channels those show pirated new released movies within a week’s time of their release. Till that day I had only heard about such a concept, but actually witnessing it was one hell of an experience.
Anyway, so one Saturday night, as usual I was watching this latest Hollywood movie with my bro. As the movie ended, the screen went blank and BOOM, within 10 sec new movie started. For a while we both were like, Wooo…Hoooo…lets watch one more, no one gets up early on Sunday’s anyway.
Movie Title: Kamasutra.
I got up and walked towards my room.
My bro, who had the remote, switched off and went to his room,
My thought: Holy cow!! I liked our new cable operator. He ROCKS!!
Bro’s thought: Why the hell Z000n has to come back home on every weekend?
Next day someone complained about these “secret” channels and they were totally removed. Damn!!

Ever wondered how GOD actually mastered HIS skills?
Initially he dropped lumps of flesh and called them Dinosaur, huge ugly looking creatures.
A little bit improvement of skills, and we got Apes and Monkeys.
After installing first version of Paintshop Pro, GOD created MAN & WOMEN.
And finally, latest version with all patches applied resulted in sexy Laetitia Casta (one in my blog header)
Isn’t she a master piece?
And don’t you think GOD has actually mastered HIS skills.
I love GOD.

As I’m working on this post, after ages I played Bheegay honth tere from Murder, which was one of her favorite song.
Something inside me still says that things will work out fine one day.
I don’t know how…
I don’t know when…
We haven’t been in touch with each other for past 9 months, still like a fool, I miss her each day.
I hope she’s not married…something that’ll shatter me to pieces…and am sure it’ll one day

20 things on my Bizarre Wish list

2005-07-24T10:25:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Highly explicit material. Reader discretion advised. Please don’t try any of these at home or office, you might get thrown outta your apartment or get busted on job or both.)

No wonder, I carry a huge list of bizarreness with me; I tried my best to write down part of it in this post. And yes, it’s true that there’s a SLIM SHADY in all of us. So let’s go bizarre guys!!

As long as I’m alive, someday I wish to -

Get myself tattooed just to impress cutie-pie’s. If my new looks (which I got 20 days back) fails to work, will sure get one on my neck. Like the one UNDERTAKER from WWE is having, S A R A. Sounds like Hindi word to me, might keep something Jazzy.)
Get my left eye-brow, tongue or belly button pierced.
Get my hair dyed in Dark Blue or Maroon. Hacker crowd and there craziness has always impressed me.
Get an Email from my ex-gf’s new bf “You are lucky man that you are outta relationship. I’m stuck now”. (Sorry…this sounds a bit weird to me too)
Dance “Let’s get retarded” from Elephunk in my room all(or partially) naked. Last time I tried a similar stunt, I was 11 yrs old in my undies and my gramma caught me dancing on tunes of Macarena. No doubt I got spanked after that.
Fart in a jam packed elevator without getting pointed at.
Pee while in one of the pools in water kingdom. I missed doing that when I was there last year with my friends, but I sure tried that out during my trip to Alibaug 5 years back. Hope, like breath-analyzer, they don’t have something called as trunk-analyzer, to see if I peed in my trunks. I’ll be so screwed then.
Visit SPA.
Scream my balls (I mean eye-balls) out in one of Avril Lavigne’s LIVE concert.
Watch late night Door-Darshan on my honeymoon night (Boy, I have a huge list on what all sex-citing things to do on honeymoon)
Sit on the printer butt-naked and get it printed. I don’t own a printer at home, but planning to get a scanner pretty soon. Nope, I will never post by butt online.
Call a random cell number and pray hard to hear voice of a sweet chick at the other end. Boy, I never tried that in my entire life, not even from land line.
Go on blind date, with the chick I mentioned above and run away as fast as I can after watching her; else wish I was blind on my date day.
Fart in a swimming pool or one of the pools in water kingdom and see the bubble travel in opposite direction of gravitational force.
Pee in the toilets of every wonder of the world I visit. Then come up with a blog named, My Seven PEE’d Wonders of the World. (I always wished to pee in women’s toilet, but don’t think it’s gonna come true now.)
Fall madly in love with a cute gal and run around trees with her, singing “Hum honge kamyaab….ek din”
Add tomato-ketchup in Americano and drink it while in Barista.
Purchase my own Apple-Mac Laptop with Tiger OS and watch P0rn on it. Something which I tried when I got my new DELL INSPIRON & believe me it was fun…yeah.
Play POOL with my friends, all night during weekends. I love that shady look in POOL Parlor’s with loud music and ciggy-smoke all over.
Get my Blog URL printed on a T-shirt for Shameless Self Promotion.

2005-07-24T09:13:00.000+05:30

Thanks to FD for mailing this to me.

Btw, Z000n is chilling out in Mumbai right now. I'll be travelling to Pune tomorrow morning and back to Delhi next Sunday. The above post(20 things in my bizarre list) was written quite a long time back. It was lying in my Draft section as I felt it was way to grossy to put up my blog. But anyways...

Enjoy da weekend and party hard!!

The Good, the Bad and the UGLY

2005-07-22T09:16:00.000+05:30

The Good:

Client is happy with our efforts here in Delhi, especially with rapport created during this period.
My company got extension of contract for another one-and-half month.
Team size increased from initial 2 guys to 3 to increase billability.
I get to stay back in Delhi for ?? weeks. ("??" is yet to be finalized).
I solved 17 SUDOKU’s in a row till 2am to divert my anger Few puzzles I’d downloaded from sudoku.uk.org

The Bad:

All sweets that I purchased from Mathura are going in trash, as I don’t eat much of sweet and I assumed that I was leaving on 22nd.
I’ll have to survive Delhi heat.
Home sickness is taking over me.
Frustration level is increasing day by day.
Result: I broke Hotel’s TV & A/C Remote last night (Cell phone survived some how)

The Ugly:

I didn’t attend any call from home, when mom was trying to reach me last night. (I still haven’t called her back)
I slept without having dinner.
Finally, ugliest of all…I missed golden opportunity of flying down to Singapore for new assignment of 6 months starting first week of August. Damn.

To conclude, I don't think what I did yesterday after office was that important to blog down, compared to what actually happened in London. My heart cries out for the horrible incident. Hope all my blog visitors are doing good. I pray for there safety.

Greetz to all!!

B & B

2005-07-22T09:03:00.000+05:30

Thanks to Google Images this time.

Inside the mind of a WWE Superstar

2005-07-21T09:04:00.000+05:30

I’ve been a hard core fan of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) for a long time now. I remember the first match I ever saw was a tag team between Luke and Butch with two other guys. This was way back in 1995 when cable TV was introduced in our colony. After that, I don’t know how much money I spent in collecting Postcards (I still own them…around 300+), trump game, Posters and what not.

People (especially my frustrated roomies) always tell me that Wrestling is all made up, but still I don’t accept it. What’s fake in the punches-kicks they take inside the ring that appear so real? Alright, they might cook some story to entertain people, but while inside, they beat hell outta each other.

Anyway, the other day, as I was watching WWE, I just thought what goes inside the mind of that guy, while he faces his opponent. (just a reminder, one of my long time ambitions was to be a WWE Superstar…so I actually imagine myself doing all those dangerous stunts)

What da hell am I doing here? There’re lotsa good jobs around.
I look awesome in this mask and new costume. Plus I get to act as if I’m a super hero.
Dude, my underwear is not washed since last Monday night RAW. Enjoy!!
I hope my erection doesn’t come outta this tight underwear. That’s why I never go for mixed tag team, which includes bimbo’s with skimpy clothes. Damn!!
You hit me with that chair and I’m going to fart on your face, a**hole.
Now what? Am I supposed to beat this 400 pound giant beast?
I think I’ll not be in a position to have sex tonight. *Dhiiisshhoooom*. Oooouuuchhh.
What the fcuk? How can he punch me thrice when it was clearly written in the script that he was supposed to slap me only once? He is so dead now.
300$ for 30 mins? That’s it? I’m putting down my papers after this round.
WCW Nitro has already given me a nice offer, I’ll beat the hell outta this punk and quit from here tonight.
Lita said she’s gonna sleep with me if I win this match. So take this mighty kick on your balls sucka.
Puuunnncchhh….kiccccckkkk. OOOhhhh…I think my reproductive system is damaged. Backup…backup…I need god-damn back up right now.
Dude, go and have good bath first. You stink.
I’ll crush you in my stinky arm-pits. Wait and watch.
No chairs. I don’t want you to hit me with that chair. *Phaaaatt*. What the fcuk??

And finally like my favorite Super Star, Booker T(after THE ROCK, ofcourse) says, "Now can you dig that Succckkkkaa"

Greetz to all!!

Wooo…Hooo…Su-Doku solved finally!!

2005-07-20T09:21:00.000+05:30

Last Sunday when I was traveling to Mathura, I carried TOI (and AQUAFINA of course) along with me. Reason, TIMES LIFE supplement carried article called THE NUMBER GAME. Graphic displayed on bottom right corner of this article looked familiar to me. It was SU DOKU Challenge.

Few days back when I saw puzzle box on second page of Delhi times, I thought solving SU DOKU will be a waste of time. It’s a kid’s game, I’m not interested. However, THE NUMBER GAME provided me with enough information to take every SU DOKU as a challenge.

During my 3hr journey, I tried my best to place numbers but alas, it didn’t seem to work out. I didn’t give up easily, when I returned back at 10, I requested for another SUNDAY TIMES and spend another 3 hr to solve SUDOKU. Finally, it was internet that was going to come for my rescue.

Next day I gathered as much information available on this placement puzzle, also known as Number Place in US. SU DOKU became popular in Japan in 1986 and recently has taken UK by storm. People are seen solving it on PDA, CELL phones…everywhere. This was enough for me to put my sleeping brain cells to work.

After fighting for next 2 days in understanding SU DOKU, finally today morning I was able to solve TIMES SU DOKU 40 in today’s DELHI TIMES.

Wooooo….Hooooooo…that too in flat 12 mins.

I’ve asked a colleague of mine to download whatever books & games available on SU DOKU (Wiley’s SUDOKU for Dummies is one of them). Oh boy…Number Game has already spread its venom in Z000nies brain-cell.

Alright, what’s this challenge all about?
There’s a nine-by-nine grid which has to be filled in such a way that every row, every column and every three-by-three box contains digits one through nine. No mathematics involved. Btw, there’s just one correct solution to every SU DOKU

Anyway, proud to display my first solution below (which is anyway going to come in tomorrows DELHI TIMES)

8 3 5 6 1 9 7 4 2
4 1 6 3 2 7 8 5 9
7 2 9 8 4 5 3 1 6
2 6 1 5 8 4 9 3 7
5 4 8 7 9 3 6 2 1
3 9 7 2 6 1 4 8 5
1 8 3 9 5 6 2 7 4
9 5 2 4 7 8 1 6 3
6 7 4 1 3 2 5 9 8

Life on MARS

2005-07-19T09:38:00.000+05:30

I eagerly read news about anything related to discovery about living cells on mars.

Curiosity…but why?
Of course who would not enjoy going on a short vacation on some other planet. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

Oh so you saying that life on earth will change with discovery of yet another living planet?
Give me a break…I don’t think so.

But, why not?
I’m pretty much sure lot of things on earth will get affected, here are few:

COX & Kings would come up with “Around the planet in 4 days and 3 nights” package, only for 20,000 MAR’sian dollars.
Karan Johar will get a new “alien” love story to shoot for on Mars, title - Aliens Dulhaniya le jayenge (…its all about loving our aliens) with 10 hit songs packed in a 2 hr movie.
Major Indian IT companies will generate more revenue by opening call centre’s in Bangalore & Pune specially for Aliens in there language.
Yahoo chat rooms will get an additional chat room category under Planets->Mars->Naked Aliens on WEB CAM chat.
FBI will start hunting well known terrorists in MARS on their possibility of escaping to that planet as they are not able to find them for past 5 years on earth.
Additional embassy will open up (creating more employment options) to get VISA stamped in order to fly on MARS.
One out of every 10 aliens found on Mars will be an Indian working his ass out.
STAR WARS will be a daily routine for everyone.
NOKIA will come up with new model, NOKIA 661023988618534946390 with amazing features that will include 20-Mega-Pixel camera that will allow people to capture snaps of MARS while sitting on POTTY.
Two eating joints will instantly open up on newly discovered planet – McDonalds and Sardar ka Dhaba.
And finally, Reliance will actually come out with a slogan, Kar lo Planet mutthi mein and drop charges for cell-to-cell communication between Reliance on earth & Mars.

Greetz to all!!

Do we just EXIST?

2005-07-18T09:00:00.000+05:30

The other day I was reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad and when I reached introduction given by Rich Dad, I had to keep the novel down for a while and think about what he was actually trying to convey.

What’s AIM of my life?
Am I doing something different from what others are gonna do or have done in past? My life is like yet another guy who came on this planet, survived and after death, will be chatting in peace from heaven above. Is that what I’m put to life for?

I don’t understand how I can add “something” different in my routine life.

Initially the aim was to get a good education.
After that, hunt for a good salary job.
Then, abuse government for deducting huge amount as tax from salary.
To avoid losing money in taxes, investment money in policies that will mature at age of 35+
Now the aim is to marry at a suitable age, produce kids, do there education.
Continue working and being a responsible citizen all my life.
Finally get my investments which, I’ll be forced to spend on my kids’ education.
Die one day with one Q in my mind, “What da hell did I do all my life??”

I mean how different is this with “normal” routine which every other human being on this planet follow?

If I think about future with this routine in mind, how many people will remember me, if tomorrow I’m not on this planet??

Obviously my family for sure will miss me.
Wife, (if I’m married and she’s left behind), will marry someone else. So I don’t expect her to miss me.
Kids (if any) will be glad that their bizarre dad is no more.
Pet cats will eat junk food on streets as there daily meal of biscuits and milk will stop suddenly.
Darla and company (my pet fishes) will eat normal fish-food and might miss me on weekends, “roasted-worm-day” for them.
My blog visitors will start cursing me for not updating blog regularly. Few might remember me in there curses.
Credit card companies might try my number for clearing pending payments.

I believe, leaving apart just a bunch of crazy living beings and that too for a short duration I don’t think my non-existence will impact anyone.

Is this what everyone experience while they’re alive?
And even after knowing this fact, people still continue surviving, just to be a non-existent entity one day.

Is that what we’ve come to life for, as human being?
The thought of being a “no-body” one day freaks me out at times.

Everyone will be enjoying; only I’ll not be present.
People will be busy in partying; only I’ll not be around.
Wireless internet connection will be available free of cost; only I’ll not be using it.
P0rn channels will be made legal in India; only I’ll not be able to watch it.

Every other people whom I’d bumped into once in my life, will continue as if nothing happened.

*Sigh*

PS: I don’t believe in re-incarnation, so please don’t mention anything about that shit. And if reincarnation…I’d love to come back as Pamela Anderson’s finger tips…hehehe

Desperate Husbands

2005-07-15T09:08:00.000+05:30

I can’t stop looking at the promos of Desperate Housewives, series starting from today on STAR WORLD. A long wait obviously and being glued to STAR WORLD most of my time, I can actually imagine all those promos running in front of my eyes, as I type this post for da day.

Desperate Housewives it is!!
(It was long, but fruitful wait for Sex and the City. I instantly fell in love with Cynthia Nixon and Charlotte. Both are cute [read sexy])

All these promos are so tempting (and all characters are so awesome…I even watched them on OPRAH), I’m actually reserving my last Friday night in Delhi especially for this show. Can’t wait to watch how desperate housewives can get?

For a moment, imagine what husbands of such desperate housewives are going through right now. If I was married at this moment, I would have wished for a competing serial titled, Desperate Husbands to be aired on ZEE ENGLISH at the same time.

Then I’d have enjoyed watching its promos too:

Something like…Look who is watching DESPERATE HUSBANDS:
Bush speaking in a conference:
“And here’s our typical Sunday evening. This lady sitting right over there is fast asleep at 830pm and I’m jerking off as I watch DESPERATE HUSBANDS.
.
.
.
I am a DESPERATE HUSBAND.”

Then all those small scenes from the show would change to,
Male voice in the background : Are you a Desperate Husband?
Desperate Husband #1:
”Are you a house maid? Do you think you can stop by later tonight and allow me to look at your pipes?

Desperate Husband #2 talking to group of horny’s at coffee table (Somewhere in office):
DH#4:”So how was it with Joanne??”
DH#2: “You know what she said? It was nothing but pure sex!!”
DH#3: “Oh..this is just like first chapter from KamaSutra”

One more promos will have a “manly” voice that’ll say:
Every Desperate husband has a dirty secret. What’s yours?
And the scene will change to Husband #3 (Finger fetish guy) kissing fingers of his neighbors wife. Hehehe..

And finally, our own Simi Garewal will come for last minute promotion (I saw this yesterday evening, by the way):
"Desperate or horny…lust or pure sex…you’ll get to see everything, in your favorite series…Desperate Husbands. Don’t forget to tune-in on Friday night at 10pm on STAR WORLD"

At times I wonder what kind of desperation HUSBANDS carry or do they have one, apart from sleeping with secretary.

Anyway, early morning as I type this post for my blog (and of course sip a cup of morning tea), I’m listening to FEEL. I wish I could scream out loud, "I just wanna feel REAL LOVE, feel the home that I live in..."

Come on hold my hand, I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand, this role I’ve been given
I sit and talk to GOD
And He just laughs at my plans.
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand…
I just wanna feel REAL LOVE, feel the home that I live in
Bcoz I got so much life, running through my veins, going through waste
I don’t wanna die…but I aint keen on living either.
Before I fall in LOVE, I’m preparing to leave her.
Just gave my self today…that’s why I keep on running.

Nehru caught flirting

2005-07-15T08:55:00.000+05:30

Thanks to MG for forwarding this pic.

Google is GOD!!

2005-07-14T13:21:00.000+05:30

Go to google and type "george.w.bush.isnt.stupid" without quotes and press search button.
Check the search page.

Isn't Google smart enough??

Jemima Jones

2005-07-14T09:13:00.000+05:30

How does it feel when you have crush on one of your colleagues, but s/he never understands your feelings for him/her? Everyday you pray that at least today s/he will understand you, ask you out for dinner, then drop you at your home and give you a tight good night hug.

If not that then, ever met someone sweet online, who pampers you all the time, is always there around for you when you needed him/her the most? This e-person looks so perfect that you end up having crush, knowing that you both haven’t even met in real life.

Ever experienced something like this in your life before?
I sure did at some point. (In fact the recent one started online, and after few months became an offline affair. However, after a short while she just miraculously disappeared. I mean, now she is invisible both on/offline…it makes me laugh at myself. Boy, what was I thinking????)

Anyway, so what happened after that?
Did things work out?
Did your real life crush respond to your feelings?
What happened to your online crush? At least this must have worked.

Similar things happen in life of Jemima Jones (JJ), an over weight but beautiful-by-heart lady from England. I’m talking about Jemima J – a novel about ugly ducklings and swans by Jane Green. (Cover pic on my side panel)

It starts with her sharing life with two roomies, Sophie and Lisa who by the way are receptionists and spend time dating guys, leaving JJ all alone in her apartment after office. Working for Top Tips column in a not-so-popular News Paper company, she finds time to have a crush on her colleague, Ben Williams, who never gets her feelings for him.

When JJ gets introduced to Internet and chatting, she comes across Brad from California, who makes her feel special all the time they meet online. The romance blooms quickly, they exchange snaps and BOOM…within 6 months of online relationship, she lands up in California to spend a week with BRAD. After this, how her life changes when she comes to know about the reality (Keep it guessing), sure got me hooked till 3am to finish this awesome novel.

The way the novel is written makes it feel as if it’s happening somewhere around you, its real life like. I haven’t read any of Jane Green’s writing before, but I’m looking forward to put my hands on her Straight Talking, Mr. Maybe and Bookends pretty soon.

The other novel which I finished reading was Erich Segal’s LOVE STORY, last Saturday waiting for my bus at Jaipur Station, in flat 2 hrs. When I read the back cover, I was tempted to spend 175bucks to buy this one; usually I don’t spend money to buy novels (500+ are dumped on my laptop already).

The story is about Oliver and Jenny. Oliver is a rich jock pursuing degree from Harvard and has plans to start a career in law and Jenny is a very simple gal who is studying music and dreams of flying to PARIS on scholarship. Oh boy…Jenny was so cutely portrayed that I felt as if I knew this lady personally. Opposites in nearly every way, Oliver and Jenny immediately attract, sharing love that defies everything…yet will end too soon.

The novel starts with,

“What can you say about a twenty-five year old girl who died?
That she was beautiful and brilliant.
That she loved Mozart and Bach.
And Beatles.
And me.”

A sweet romantic story for someone who is in love or was in love or hopes to be in love. It was worth spending money on this one…and reading previous one for FREE. Until next time, keep busy guys!!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry…

Biz(arre)-nesday!!

2005-07-13T09:13:00.000+05:30

(Warning: Highly explicit material. Reader discretion advised.)

I was reading a small article on Why do people blog the other day, which started with Blog history and how people use it for specific reasons. Its just amazing, if you think for a while, about the way blogging has evolved. Starting as a simple diary and journaling, it moved to simple HTML pages and now a dedicated website for hosting personal journals in minutes. I will not be surprised if few years down the line (after Wireless Internet takes over), Blogger might even come up with a hand held device for instant blogging.

If hand gets fractured, it’s hung around the neck for support.
What will one do, if his butt gets plastered?
Where is he gonna hang his butt to?

If Nicky Boje is pronounced as Nicky Boye, shouldn’t Ajay Jadeja be Ajay Jadeya?

Considering nature’s act of balance on a human body, how different is “Laughing my ass out” from “Laughing my dick in?

How to define Generation Gap in cyber era?
Past tense: My dad used to play Solitaire at work by going inside those huge machines kept in a separate COMPUTER room.
Present: I now play by keeping those smartly compacted machines on my lap.
Future: Maybe my kid will be born with one of those chips on his forehead.

PJ I heard soon after release of movie DEVDAS.
Why is Shahrukh always in tears in DEVDAS even after having two gorgeous females in it?
Obviously if both gorgeous are singing “DIL-DO la re…DIL-DO la re…” forget Shahrukh, any guy will be in tears.

The other day I received an SMS:
My new number is 98651XXXXX.

Yup. Only those 5 words. Now how on earth will someone make out identity of sender from this SMS? I think people in near and “wireless” vicinity of mine are becoming totally bizarre these days.

"Deep Impact" make better impact than planned: NASA scientists
I love to hear such comments. First, what was planned is not disclosed and then whatever the result, you can easily make it sound in LARGE VOLUME.

If you travel by bus, you must have noticed seats specially reserved for ladies. Does a bus especially for ladies (something which BEST in Mumbai has started few years back) have seats reserved for GENTS too?

Front page of today’s Delhi Times says, XXX Legalese and mentions about countries who’ve passed the law for it. I can’t see INDIA in that list, however, I believe XXX will get legalize here soon. Now we don’t have to see two red roses kissing each other, it will be substituted by lips. Woooo...Hooooo!!!

OMG, I got hacked!!

2005-07-12T09:37:00.000+05:30

Have you ever said something like that, if not loud, silently inside??
You sure must have cursed whoever that bastrad is for stealing your YM password and misusing is right now.
But wait a sec…who on earth will do such an act?
Is my bf/gf stalking me?
Has s/he hired someone to break in all my accounts?
Is s/he so good in password guessing?

You are damn sure, you have pretty “tough” password which is not easily guessable. It does not carry any of your family names, your DOB, pets name, neighbors name, location, fruits, nothing at all, then how damn it how?

Just recently two of my online friends approached me saying, Z000nie, someone hacked my YM password. How’s that possible? Having done all the notorious acts of stealing passwords, writing Trojans in past, lemme reveal few things here which will save my bloggers fellas from saying that sweet sentence, OMG, I’M HACKED!!

How much “kilo’s” of brain is required as I believe this needs more skillz?
Zilch!!
Believe me this act does not involve any skillz of reading somebody else’s mind in order to grab the password. If some guy tries to flirt around saying “Lemme gaze into your eyes and tell your password in 2 mins, first thing you need to do quickly is, raise your right leg and kick his balls with maximum force. Bugger is trying to be TECHIE-GOD in front of you.

How is it carried out in real life?
Two ways of doing this:

Social Engineer (plus a lil bit of guessing. You need to be lucky here)
Keylogger (or password stealing Trojan)

I’ve tried both and can proudly say that I was lucky to see both of em working out pretty easily for me. But later, when I got access to INBOX of the “victim”, I found out that people really look different in real life and in their INBOX’s.

Social Engineering involves interacting with your victim for quite a long time and make mental note of everything s/he says, like name of all he/r family members, pet names, he/r DOB(this is very important), servants name, he/r favorite things (what-so-ever), blah blah blah directly related to her. Try to gauge he/r computer awareness, as this will minimize the guessing phase later.

After gathering enough information, launch “forgot password” on he/r free email account. First page always deals with DOB and place of birth. Hope you have acquired this information above. If successful, everything depends on the second page which is the SECRET question. Depending on intelligence of your “victim”, you might be successful here or forced to use the second method.

Most of the time, secret questions are
“What’s my pet name?” or
“What’s my Pet’s name?” or
“What’s my first gf name?” or something stupid.
Dictionary of information you gathered through social engineering might work here.

Second method might require some skillz, but still its easily doable category kindda. Key loggers are small-n-sweet application that runs invisible in the background and records all key strokes in a text file.
For eg: If Z000n enters café (full of Keylogger’s running), opens YM and types his user name & password as “Z000n” / “dumbpassword” and click sign-in, key logger will silently record it as:

------------------------------Key-log.txt----------------------------
[Application – Yahoo Messenger v7 Beta] at 1647hrs
[Window title] – Sign In
Z000n
Dumbpassword

[Application – Internet Explorer] at 1649hrs
[Window title] – about:blank
www.playboy.com

[Application – Yahoo Messenger v7 Beta] at 1650hrs
[Window title] – glow_in_dark_butt – chat
Hey glow, how you doing?

[Application – Internet Explorer] at 1651hrs
[Window title] – Playboy playmate of year 2005 – Available

[Application – Yahoo Messenger v7 Beta] at 1653hrs
[Window title] – glow_in_dark_butt – chat
I’m fine here. Howd[backspace]s work going on?
------------------------------Cut text here----------------------------

Depending on intelligence of keylog author, following features can easily be coded:

Screen capture after every time interval
Record conversation on both sides for any messenger
Auto Email text file at a specific email address

How to prevent myself from such YM molesters?
Try to follow the steps below chance of getting “molested” reduces for sure:

No matter how “close” your online buddy appears never disclose your real identity especially DOB’s, pet names, family names, etc.
For GOD’s sake select some random answer to that fukcing secret question. I usually select “What’s my pet’s name?” and secret answer to that as, “Igetshittyideas”
Never type your password in one go while in a café. For eg. all my passwords are like “5591UkraineChicks9860” (Yeah, that long!!). If I had to type this, I’ll do it as

Initially type Chicks in the password field.
Use mouse to move cursor at the beginning of the password.
Type Ukraine
Use mouse again to move to end (Never use arrows or even HOME and END keys to move the cursor, coz they get recorded too)
Type 9860
Move cursor to start of my password field
Finally type 5591
Click sign in

What gets recorded in keylog.txt will be:

------------------------------Key-log.txt----------------------------
[Application – Yahoo Messenger v7 Beta] at 1647hrs
[Window title] – Sign In
Z000n
ChicksUkraine98605591
------------------------------Cut text here----------------------------

Is that your original password??
Nope.
Then let that “molester” pull his hair out :)

There are many more ways to by pass key logging, but this is the one easiest way to play safe. However, the bottom line remains,
Never trust system that is open for public access.

Bizarre state...by default.

Bye Bye Blogspot!!!

Countdown begins....

Bizarre state... is PHROZEN in time!!

After outsourcing…its OUTSEXING!!!

Void in me...

More Q's about Z000nie...

Interview with Fekta Kapoor

Bizarre Interpretation!!

A-to-Z about Z000nie

Blog-o-scope by Sojan Bloggerwalla

Those were the "socks" days of my life…

Backup Backup!!

Z000n's Secrets Revealed

Intelligent Nugget‘s

Secrets of IT Revealed: How to handle clients?

Anti-blogging chewing gum!!

Weekend Humor: Warning signs!!

ID, VC & CV

Mu"D"ick on your body!!

Kir-ket and Marri-age

Random bubbles of Bizarreness

Ahem...I need one...*cough*

Se7en

Gummy Bear

Taquila ka shot - Tanushree Dutta

Shine, shiner and shining

You have been blogging too long when…

Behind every successful man…

IT ki KranTI

Bourne Identity...Cards

Random bubble of bizarreness

All Time Milking machines

What you’ll always find in Bollywood

Turn me on....baby!!

Bush effect on women in America

Fashion TV – Modeling

Cut, Copy & oops...Screwed up!!

Bizarre Guy lingo

The great Chap and Gang WAR!!

What you’ll never appreciate to hear...

Deewar – Mighty Blogger version

“Ad” kiya toh darna kya…

Help has finally arrived in New Orleans

Bubble of Bizarreness...continues

Blogger Lingo (Part III): Old is 'B'old

Intelligent Q’s I never get tired listening to...

Interview Blues

Word verification

News that will never go public

Honest Girl!!

Things that can drive a Sane Blogger Insane

Titanic never sailed for me

Confession of a Psycho Killer

Nehru caught SMOKING

Blogger’s lingo (Part II) – Couple

Blogger's Lingo (Part I) - DATING

Guess who??

Know "HIM" after magic words

Happy Raksha Bandhan!!

Fifty Questions

Proud owner of HP iPAQ

I would like to thank…

Sweet & Bitter

Know “HER” after those magical words.

Happy Friendship Day!!

Mumbai, Monsoons and Media

25 things in my “to-do” list

Intelligent system, fade memories

Rain, Pizza and Surprise(s)

Pinch of Bizarreness with handful of Facts.

20 things on my Bizarre Wish list

The Good, the Bad and the UGLY

B & B

Inside the mind of a WWE Superstar

Wooo…Hooo…Su-Doku solved finally!!

Life on MARS

Do we just EXIST?

Desperate Husbands

Nehru caught flirting

Ahem...I need one...cough